This is when I wish we could send PM's...lol... i hate to get into our sex life in such an open forum...but we actually do some of those things or have done them..and after being on that "website" and having the fire reignited in my mind.. i have been VERY explicit of what turns me on...which includes the basic premise of the book.. but i dont think he has the drive at all...he has some health issues that possibly contribut to that, but overall it is the same as ever..its just mine has picked up immensely since coming off the meds..its not so much that i want to have "sex".. im craving the attention and passion that accompanies it..he doesnt get that.. he is wrapped up in what he is "able" to do and not "able" to do..
I want that kind of change in him throughout his whole life.. which means I want him to change his personality.. and Im not sure that is fair..
There is so much distance and hurt between us now..i dont evenfeel i can reach out and hold his hand..which makes me sad b/c he was always who comforted me through everything, so I have to go this alone as I "made my own bed" as some would say.. and its better that i do anyway..
ONe thing i will say.. is this distance and isolation is making the urge to return to the website even stronger..i feel more alone every day..but im trying to fill my days up..so maybe i can keep it under control..
We have counseling on Tuesday, Im sure he will have some things to say then..until then we are just having basic everyday talk.."dinner, kids, etc." which seems so fake and contrived when we are dealing w/ such a big issue..
