Gyps, thanks. I was really expecting to get the "you must be 100% transparent" with someone you really care for answer. It does seemm like a bad idea. I won't lie if it comes up, but not revealing it seems to me not to be lying. As someone posted to me "Share it when she shares her PAP results".
Smarmy came in to see my attorney and admitted he helped D17s school payment when she was at the "school for bad kids", and admitted that he had a contractor do 16K worth of work on MY basement. All when I was in Iraq, taking rocket and mortar fire every day for 365 days! WHAT AN AMERICAN!
In the past I'd fall on the sword if I thought it was the right thing to do for another person. That noble sacrifice unwitting martyr thing.
When the time is right, it's right. It isn't now. It will be when you're in the right place, feel a level of confidence and trust in yourself and with her.
When I met people, after knowing them briefly, I'd march out the sexual abuse of my childhood, getting raped, horny co-workers molestations.. on and on about private woes. Looking back, I was an active victim hanging a sign around my neck saying 'hurt me' and attracting even more predators.
Private stuff is just that.. private. It's something you go through and process. If it's still a big issue to your self esteem and confidence, you might consider seeing a good therapist. I can give you some names of folks who are very skilled on the alternate universe.
And you know what FL? It all comes out in the wash eventually. Better to do it sooner rather than later. It's like the woolly mammoths in the La Brea tar pit. The beast had a problem.. and made it even worse with his own struggles in the tar. Address the issue that caused you to take such drastic actions. Minimize how long you keep yourself in the after effects, the tar pit.
When with all honesty you can relate to yourself what and why it happened without feeling shame then you're there. We're all one incredible imperfect perfect package, my friend.
Oh yes.. and Smarmy had no choice but to admit to his paper trail.
Thanks. It's hugely embarrassing and it's not all who I am once again. I never had confidence issues, but the loss of your entire way of life, seeing your kids every day, loss of your home of 20 years, all that was familiar and secure was SO overwhelming to me at the time. ALL without warning.
As we have discussed, the mere word "DIVORCE" made us panic.
Smarmy admitted he helped pay to renovate my house. What takes a person there? He must be a meglomaniac beyond belief. I am crazy about Gym Woman, and she feels the same. It's really great.
I know for myself, the attachment that I had to X is something that I don't believe will (or could) be repeated. He was just too many things to me. I may fall in love again, but I won't attach myself to another human the way that I did to him. Especially with all of the work that I have been doing. So, I don't see finding myself in the same position with someone else in the future. Like Gyps said, it is in the past. Unless you fear a repeat performance, I don't think you need to bring this issue up as a "warning" to her. At some point, if the relationship continues to develop, you will get to a more intimate place naturally, and some past issues on both sides may be shared. But probably not all.
I don't think you should feel so embarrassed about what you went through - it was who you were then, what you were going through, then. Do you feel the same way now? Have you grown through it, past it? Then that is growth, learning... You aren't ashamed of having once in your life not understood the times tables, right? You were once that, you have grown and learned, and you aren't that anymore. Let it go.
Thanks. rally helpful advice. Gym Woman was upset last night because a couple of weeks agoD17 got upset with me because I would tlak with G.W. on the phone for an hour or so during the night when D17 was with me. She said I was ignoring her, which of course made me feel guilty. G.W. thought I was ignoring her when she called last night due to D17 being with me, until I explained I was doing homework with S10, and neve got the message. Ugh...growing pains for everyone
Being a caring person can pull you in lots of directions.
Ask yourself, what is most important? Set your boundaries. If you are consistent in your actions, others trust where they stand with you.
Your daughter is in a fragile state.. that she has to learn what it takes to heal. You are a crucial part of her recovery. Imagine what she sees.. I almost lost my daddy when mommy dropped the bomb; I'm losing my family, I'm losing my mommy to a married man; now daddy cares more about someone else other than me. I am alone.
I figure if you trust and respect where other people are coming from, they should do the same in kind. Set your boundaries, be consistent.. and remember, the woman in your life is an adult too.
It makes perfect sense for a 17 year old, who has just seen her parents split in a not-nice way, to feel some jealousy and/or want some attention from her dad when she is with him.
Why would GW be upset by that, or feel ignored? You have to give the kids what they need, and D17 has told you what she needs. You can talk with GW later in the night, perhaps after D is asleep, or during a specific time that she is preoccupied (like watching a show or texting her friends, etc.) It shouldn't matter why you didn't get the phone - you obviously weren't able to talk just then, due to your S, your D, or had a migraine - whatever! Your affection should not be up for competition...
Was GW upset, or just wondering why the call wasn't returned?
Anyway, good to hear that you have so many lovies in your life, regardless! And that the kids get to see you often.
FLTC, just remember that in every R there is a honeymoon phase. That's when both parties are doing their best to please the other and are hiding their insecurities, baggage etc. During that time everything feels like heaven on earth but as we deepen our R and people begin to feel that they are a couple, the other stuff begins to leak out. Donna's advice is good, keep your boundaries and if after a while you find Gym Woman sees your kids as competition, well, you know what to do. Also remember that people have bad days, her as well as you. Hopefully, this was just a blip. Take care.
