Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Today, I found out that XW's sister graduated from her RN program, and I was invited by my ex-MIL to attend the gathering, but I declined in deference to XW. I re-thought my decision and got pissed at myself for deciding based on what I 'thought' XW would feel, instead of my desire to congratulate XW's sister in her accomplishment and see my children. This all happened in an instant, because it all came crashing over me that I need to make my decision about my life based on me and my children only, not on XW. I called ex-MIL and left a message for her that I had changed my mind and would, in fact, be coming to the celebration because I wanted to congratulate her daughter and more importantly, I wanted to see my children. This was the first time in 3+ years that I actually made a decision based on what I wanted, without consideration for XW feelings and wants. I've finally reached a point where I simply don't care. I was invited and I went.

When I arrived, I said hello to guests as I entered, and saw XW out of the corner of my eye. I turned the other way and proceeded on in, greeting other guests and finding my children. I didn't pay attention to what XW was doing, but I was always consciously aware of her whereabouts because I purposely wanted to stay out of her near vicinity. Everything went along smoothly, and after a few hours I was at the food table and XW came over to me to ask if S3 had eaten. I told her no, but not to worry about it because I'd fix him a plate, and I did. The rest of the evening was great, as I talked with guests, the graduate and my children. When I was ready to leave, I said my goodbyes and made my way to XW. I stood there and waited for a break in her conversation and I just stood there, smiled and waved.
XW: Oh, hello.
ME: No, it's not, "Oh, hello", it's Oh, goodbye.
XW: Oh, you're leaving?
ME: Yep, I gotta get going. Take care.

I just turned and walked away. The exchange was polite, and it was over in a flash. No drama. I did what I set out to do, and I got in and out without incident.

Today was the first time I made a decision without regard to what I thought or feared XW's feeling/reaction would be. I didn't care, plus I wasn't doing anything TO her. I didn't even care if XW brought 'flavor-of-the-month' to the party. I wasn't there for her. I felt strong enough to deal with anything and everything today.

Tonight, I felt nothing when I saw XW. No pain, no animosity, nothing. XW came to the party alone. I wasn't concerned with what she was doing or who she might be doing it with. I just didn't care and that was a free feeling that I hadn't had previously. I wasn't rude. I enjoyed the party. I congratulated my ex-SIL. I spent time with my children. Plus, I interacted with XW as little as possible and even doing that was pleasant.

Today was a huge step in my road to reclaiming my manhood. I feel strong and happy, and this has all happened so fast and come about almost painlessly. It all started with making my decision and I'm making HUGE progress. Tomorrow is a new day, and I choose to be happy, confident and productive. The 'old' me is dead. My best days are ahead of me. I look forward to my future and living my life my way for me and my children.