A new thread, a new outlook.....

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev,

I am glad you had a nice surprise visit with Weeman. Your wife doesn't seem to be avoiding you. I am sure she is noticing some changes in you, otherwise she would not 'drop in'.

You are on the right track, have more patience.

[MsMelancoly]

Duley noted!! And good plan. Yep, I guess have have to show her that life can be fun with you. And the fun just isn't going out & getting p*ssed up drunk - huh.

[Can it work]

Hey PM, I am trying to keep my patience increasing. I think to a certain extent I'm managing not too bad. I know this is going to take time and I've accepted that. I'll admit I do have moments where I think I'm just wasting my time and she's not coming around at all but I think you're right when you say she may be noticing a lot of the changes in me. One thing I knew I used to complain about when we were together was that none of my friends contactd me any more. Since she left though, I've really made an effort to get in touch with a lot of my friends and it's really paying off. Where I still have nights of being lonely (mainly when I have Wee Man and he's gone to bed) most of the time I'm keeping busy with various things. That's a real 180 for me because I really didn't have a life outside my W and son when we were together. I realise now that was too much pressure to put on her. She was already a young mother, she shouldn't have to be responsible for my happiness as well.

Hey MsM, where I have nothing against going out and getting p*ssed up drunk on occasion (this coming Saturday being one of those occasions!) I agree that there needs to be more to life. I often tried to find some couple friends for us to hang out with but they seemed to be few and far between. Her brother and my brother and sister are all in stable couples but they all live away from home. That rules them out. Most of her friends are still young, carefree and single so that rules them out. Most of my friends are single too so that didn't leave us with much. We did try to go out for meals and things more often towards the end but it just felt awkward. I think we lost something a long time ago which we need to regain in order to enjoy one another's company.

Our child minder was ill today so we couldn't put Wee Man there. My W took the day off work to look after him. Since it's my day with him she's planning to come to my house with him so as to cause as little disruption as possible. That means she'll be there when I get home from work. Not sure if she'll stay for a chat when I get in but I'd hope so. We'll see though.

Kev

[Can it work]

I'm lying in bed typing this right now as I feel I need to vent a bit. I've been subjected to a couple of lows tonight and it's left me feeling a little deflated. I decided to come on and post right away because I don't want everyone to think I've suddenly become a happy person all of the time. I do still have my low points which are still hard to deal with. I think I am better at dealing with them now though.

The first low tonight was my Mum yet again telling me that she thought there was no hope for my M. I just basically told her that I didn't need to hear things like that and asked her to just support me as it's something I need to do.

The second low was when I came on the computer tonight. I have a Bebo account and up until tonight my W still had me as the other half of her. I'm still there as a friend and she's still listing herself as married but it was a bit of a blow to be taken off the top spot so to speak. She's been on Bebo fairly regularly since we separated and I've always seen it as a good sign since she never removed me as her other half. Tonight changed my mind on that front. I know it probably means nothing but it still hurts to see. She was at my house looking after Wee Man when I got home from work but my Mum had also shown up for a visit. They were talking away fine when I got in but my W never stayed around long after I got in. She was pleasant with me before she left though. It was strange, even after all this time, when I came home from work I wanted to give her a hug as I always used to when I got in from work. Don't think it would have been taken in the best of spirits though!

I've also recently come across a few negative threads on here which aren't helping. People who have been DBing for a lot longer than me and finally failing and giving up. I wish there were more people who have succeeded on here. I know the balance is upset because most people when they get success, don't feel the need to be here any more but it makes everything seem so negative. The annoying thing is that I know if I gave up now I could find someone else who would probably make me happier than I am right now but not as happy as I would be if I got my W back. It's that lack of patience thing rearing its ugly head again I suppose. I know that someday there's a very real possibility that I am going to have to just give up and that scares the hell out of me. I want to be certain that everything I'm doing is eventually going to pay off and bust my divorce but at the end of the day, that is a very slim chance. It's a sobering thought.

So, I'm going to be going to sleep in a less than perfect mood tonight but I'll hopefully wake up feeling a lot better. It's times like these when it makes me wonder if it's all really worth the pain. It has to be though. Otherwise, why are we all here?

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Kev,
I am so glad you came onto vent. It's great that you get it off your chest.

Now for your lows. My MIL officially wants to keep us together BUT she wants the best for her son and her son has convinced her that it wouldn't work. So everytime I talked with her, I got real low. You know what, I don't talk with her much anymore. It's for my own sanity. I still love her but I can't be surrounded by the negativity. It takes a lot of energy to be positive as we are struggling with our emotions, the needs of our kids and our WAS. So to have positive energy and thoughts sucked out of you, it's too much to bear right now. So here is what I suggest, just tell your Mom that you know she loves you very very very much, that she wants the best for you and you want the best for her. That you understand she can't stand to see you hurt because she is a loving mother and that you respectfully request that you don't talk about your M anymore because it just takes too much out of you. Tell her you need time to reflect by yourself and that it has worked and that you are feeling better.

Then don't talk about the M again. If she tries just politely sidestep and change subjects until you are at a point where you are comfortable talking to her about this. I think you Mom is possibly thinking she is helping but in actuality she is not so...her heart is in the right place but you need to draw boundaries.

As for your wife, you still need time to detach some more. I think once she is out of sight more you can detach more. But since you come across this stuff accidentally it still hurts to find out that MAYBE she is trying to build walls between you. Again, this takes time for walls to come down. Walls can be put down, they can be taken down. Don't sweat the small stuff. Keep your goal and big picture in mind. Once you have that firmly in mind, you will find that the small stuff is insignificant and that you will be able to sail through to your destination - hopefully reconciliation.

Don't worry about feeling low. Stand back Kev and look at yourself through my eyes. In the beginning, you had long bouts of depression over this breakup but the frequency of your lows are getting smaller and the duration is getting shorter. YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!! Big picture. You are doing awesome!

[Can it work]

Thank you PM,

I really needed that pick-me-up today. It's funny how the little things can still get us down when we feel like we're doing ok in general. I have put it a bit more in perspective this morning though. At the end of the day, I need to keep looking at this from my W's point of view. She doesn't want to come back to me right now. That's just the way it is. For this reason, why would she consider keeping me as 'The other half of me' on Bebo? She's only being true to herself right now. It's my job now to convince her that I really am someone she wants to be with again. I believe I'm definitely making progress on that front but I'm not there yet by a long shot. I do think I'm on the right track though. By the baby steps I'm seeing, I just need to keep on as I'm going and continuing my journey in to self discovery and improvement. It's no longer a case of stopping doing what isn't working because I feel what I am doing is working. It's just a slow process which takes the occassional knock every time I see something which reminds me how precarious my situation actually is. If we gave up on everything when it became difficult we'd never be good at doing anything. There are other aspects of my life where I've persevered and come out better for it so this should be no different. Self belief is a wonderful weapon to hold.

Kev

[Can it work]

Well, it's a good morning this morning. I'm feeling quite happy once again.

Firstly, it's Friday which is always good. It's been quite a long week at work but is nearly coming to an end now. I'm heading out with some friends tomorrow night so that's something to look forward to.

Secondly, I weighed myself this morning as I do every Friday and I've lost a further 3lbs this week! If I keep going this way I'll reach my target weight in no time at all. I know for a fact that my W must be noticing this at least. Mind you, I'm not entirely sure that my weight before ever bothered her. She certainly never told me if it did. The main thing is though that I feel a lot better about myself because of it. I was at the gym again last night and had another really good run so that's bound to be helping. I'm not feeling sore today after it either so that's a bonus.

Finally, I had another dream relating to my W last night. In the dream my W was acting kind of funny towards me but her best friend was there at the time. When my W was out of earshot her best friend told me that she was finally seeing the implications of leaving me and wasn't as sure about it as she once was. Oh how I wish this dream would come true! Still, I do believe that dreams can be powerful enough to affect your waking mood and this one made me wake up feeling quite good. That's the main thing.

So, hopefully now my mood will remain for the weekend. Fingers crossed.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Kev, It's funny you are talking about dreams recently. I have had some extremely vivid dreams lately as well. Mainly to do with H in a very sexy way. I guess it's been quite awhile and it's getting to me subconsciously. Do you have those as well? I guess subconsciouly I am feeling a bit closer to H emotionally as well so my imagination is taking me to those places. How about you? Are you feeling more friendly towards your W?

[Can it work]

Hey there PM

Can't say I've had many sexy dreams about my W although I certainly wouldn't mind having some! Like you said, it's been a while. It's likely to be a while longer too unfortunately. I'm not sure that I'm feeling more friendly towards my W. I still love her with all my heart and I've always been very friendly when I talk to her but she seems to run hot and cold. Sometimes she seems very friendly and other times it's like she can't wait to be out of my presence. I've given up trying to understand why but it still gets to me when she acts cold towards me. The way I see it now is that she's becoming more comfortable interacting with me but also seems very settled and happy in her single life. I'm glad she is happy because I would never want her to be miserable but it means I have to work that bit harder to show that I'm still the best option.

I'm really at a loss to describe my emotions today. I still feel strong in myself but am getting to the stage where I feel as though my W is slipping further away from me again. I can't pinpoint exactly why I feel this. Once again I stupidly looked at my W's profile on Bebo last night. She's now removed her marital status from it. It could be worse I suppose. She could've changed it to single. Thankfully she never went that far though. It's just completely absent from her profile now. I've come to accept that though. She obviously doesn't want to advertise herself as married when she doesn't feel that she is any more. It's not my W at this moment in time that I should be concerned about. She's still in that fog and I shouldn't be expecting her to be able to see things from the same point of view as me. If she did, we'd be back together again already. Patience, patience, patience. That's what it's all about now.

Kev

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev,


There's a guy called Lovestwinslost needing your help. He is in WAS and his thread is called Busting my WAW.

He has been at DB for three years but he is in a desperate stage because his wife just announced she is leaving after not giving him much affection for years. I think you are at a stage where you can really help him thru this tough patch. Would you have a chat with him? He is having a hard time detaching which is a understatement.

Kev, reading your post, you know yourself very well now. You know that you need a whole lot of patience and you are beginning to understand her mindset. Good for you. Now is the time for compassion. She is confused, despite what she tells you, so give her time to sort out her thoughts. Time alone, reflection, seeking happiness, she is asking herself a lot of questions I bet and she needs to find the answers herself. So this is the time as spouses we have to do what is incredibly difficult, sit back and let them wallow and think.

You can do it.