Probable Affair

[markhaving probs]

Guys,

Thanks for your responses. I can see what you mean Kimmie, if it doesn't suit her she kicks up and screams. Let's see what happens when the grass needs cutting next week and see how SHE gets on.

Whatdidido, I can see what you are saying, erase all physical material and hope it all goes away.

Typical WAW behaviour I assume?

[whatdidido]

Yep, she is trying to move to more of an acceptable way of having an affair. See, she's SEPARATED, she moves the wedding stuff away because that would mean she is MARRIED. Doesn't make sense...but nothing will as long as she is in the affair....

[markhaving probs]

I just hope she is not moving things out of our bedroom so that she can bring OP back to the marital home. If this was the case while we are still married, and if I ever was able to sleep in that bed again, I don't know if I could keep calm knowing somebody else had been in our bed. She wouldn't, would she?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Never underestimate the depravity of the fogged-out wayward mind.

I have a good friend -- who's posted on these very boards -- whose wife had sex in their car, with their one-year old asleep in the car seat, eighteen inches away from them.

Sick.

[Kimmie Lee]

I really think you should move back to your home.

Seriously, don't give her the chance to soil your marital bed with her scumbag. Do you really think that would be good for your kids to witness? Kids aren't stupid.

And if she gets mad, so what? Tell her you think it's best for the kids if you're there.

[whatdidido]

She wouldn't, would she?

It's possible.

I, too, still believe you need to get back to your house. It will only worsen the situation by you not being there. The affair will continue stronger than ever.

[Kimmie Lee]

I agree. It is seen as weak and you don't want that.

[PositivelyMommy]

Mark, I am reading your other posts in other forums. I get the sense that you actions are still based around how to influence your wife, what her reactions might be and what the magic trick is to getting her back.

What I am NOT getting is a sense of introspection into yourself, e.g. what you are doing for yourself, how YOU feel about things, how you can get to the next stage of your life, whatever it might be. You are still letting her make decisions for you.

What I fear is that sooner or later, you will build up so much resentment towards your wife that if she ever decides to try and make things work, you do NOT know what you want and you hate her for controlling everything in this situation.

So I will ask you to stop trying to focus so much on her and start working on yourself. Try to figure out what you want out of this bad experience and what you have learned. The more time passes, the more realizations should come along. Then when you are whole and happy with life and know where you are going, you wife will probably start looking at you in a different way. But if you continue what you are doing, then you will get what you have always got. You will chase and she will run away from you. So stop asking yourself what she wants. Ask yourself what you want and work towards that. If worse come to worst she will not reconsider then at least you have gotten yourself in a position where you can start to be happy on your own.

[markhaving probs]

Hi PM,

Thank you for looking in on my posts especially the other forums, that is very kind. It's interesting you make the point how alot of my posts are in regard to influencing my wife. It is only when somebody else is reading them that they can see the situation clearer.

you are absolutely right I must start to focus on me and the children. In regard to what I am doing I would say the same thing as most DB'ers - the gym, detaching, trying to further my job prospects. The areas I am struggling in is PMA and GAL as I am currently out of work, which is adding to my mental state associated with no money coming in.

This is the main area where I have never really been happy, it was even quoted to me on Friday by my wife, though I chose not to respond, and has been a great sense of stress trying to earn enough without really enjoying it. As a part of my self analysis I would walk into the house shout at the children, not very nice to my wife etc. Whereas now I would not have gone home in that mood. My career has always been a bit flakey, but I have always earnt well when I have a contract, it is how I have dealt with being out of contract that has influenced my wife to a degree. She says I do not handle stress very well.

So, apart from the gym, detaching, I also went back to church today for the first time in 7 years. I am not a devout christian by any means but I feel I just need to re-connect with the church and look within myself as you stated. It was hard, as it was the church my wife and I married in, and all the emotions of that day came flooding back, and I must admit I did shed a tear during mass. I have also calmed my temper down to a point where I used to shout at the children and finally smack them, but since the bomb dropped I now talk to them, no smacking and they usually come round. That is a big 180 for me and I did it up until we seperated, and continue to do so.

I have/am making changes for me as I now have lots of time on my hands for self analysis and try to plan my future. I am still unsure as to my career path which I need to resolve, but I will try and change my mindset as clearly this is not working for me.

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Mark,

I see you have not enjoyed your work in the past, had issues with happiness and handling stress. I am going to do you a HUGE favor for your self-development which does NOT relate to your wife at all, and which I hope you will take seriously. It is only for YOU and it can influence the rest of your life if you use it wisely.

Dr. Martin Seligman is a professor of psychology and he is the pioneer of Positive Psychology. He has devised a Strengths Test which after taking it, you will find your character strengths. It's free and you can take it online. At the end of it, you will get a summary of your character strengths. I hope that you will read and absorb that summary and try to find work that best incorporates your strengths because if you use your strengths everyday, you will feel enabled, fulfilled. Your focus will not be 'how much money can I earn' but 'I feel really good doing this job'. You will enjoy your work more and will not feel like it's 'work'. Pretty soon, you will use your strengths in other parts of your life as well. Do it mindfully and you will be SO MUCH happier.

Here is the website:
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/Default.aspx

Feel free to ask me questions.

You can find me on my thread in Infidelity; PM Thread #5.

Good luck!