Hi there Puppy -I cannot even pretend to have anything like the belief and faith that you and others have on this thread...
Truth is I don't...but that doesn't stop me mourning the potential loss of a commitment and relationship...which was made with hope and dreams. No matter what an individual's belief system is here, the common denominator is that we are here in order to save or salvage our relationship...
Puppy, like many have said to you above- you've been incredibly generous and selfless -by giving advice and input to a multitude of DB posters-me included...
Puppy, I have nothing by words of wisdom or "golden nuggets" to offer - but I did want to send you my best wishes and a great heart-felt "man-hug - slap slap!"
Well said DQ! And your last part where you state that some parents wanting children to side with them is the worst and has a fancy name: "Parental Alienation Syndrome".
Puppy, I've posted this before, but this list of the 12 worst parenting mistakes that divorcing or divorced parents can make is worth repeating. Consider printing it out for your wife to read also...
Leaning on your child for support during this time of pain in your life is unhealthy and inappropriate. Children can not help their parents through the adult task of mourning the loss of a marriage! And loyalty issues will leave a child feeling guilty for siding against a parent or possibly disproportionately angry at a parent for leaving him with this burden. This is the time to lean on family and friends so you are strong enough to allow your child to lean on you.
You should never speak badly about your ex to or in front of the children. Although it may be difficult, it is not healthy for the children to take on your adult issues, even if they directly relate to the child. As a common example, a parent should not share with a child whether or not the other parent is paying child support, how much child support or when the child support doesn't come in no matter how tempting it may be. Because your child shares flesh and bone with your ex, any criticism of your ex will also feel like a criticism of the child and will erode his or her self esteem. This is never healthy and is certainly not productive.
Treating your child like a buddy and relating to him or her as a peer is a common change that occurs after some divorces. While it may be tempting to commiserate with your child since you have both lost something important in your lives, your losses are different. Your child is not a mini-adult!
Mothers of sons and fathers of daughters should be particularly careful that they do not put their oldest child into the position of "replacement spouse", "man of the house", "woman of the house", etc. Children need to feel like children and feel the security of knowing their parent can and will take care of all adult responsibilities.
Spoiling your child in order to divert his grief or pain is not a healthy way of dealing with his pain or yours. If you are the parent who has moved away from your child, you may have an even larger temptation to fight off since your time together will be so limited now. It feels important to make that time memorable to your child and what child doesn't love new toys? But more than toys, a child needs to feel stable and safe. This can be obtained through parenting "as usual", despite the changing life around you all. No child wants a toy to replace a parent.
Transferring your hostile feelings about the divorce or your ex onto your child is unhealthy, at best. Many children already feel like divorce is their fault when, of course, it never is. Although your child shares blood and genes with your ex, whom you may resent and despise, the child did not choose for any of this to happen.
Never discuss parenting time, custody or child support issues in front of the kids. This means no discussions during routine transfers of the children from one home to the other. It means no cell phone conversations with your children sitting in the back seating listening in. It means waiting until they go to bed or are out of the area before making phone calls to discuss adult issues. You probably felt it was important not to argue in front of your children when you were still married with your ex. This is just as important now that you are divorced! Even if you can discuss issues civilly, children should not be privy to them. It is far too common for children to overhear these discussions and feel as if they are the cause of the issue or they are a burden to one parent or the other. Children do not like to feel like a business transaction!
Alienating a child from the other parent is an all-too-common, often subconscious tactic that parents may use during or after a divorce. Alienating is a form of brainwashing where one repeatedly insists, to the child, that facts and feelings exist between the other parent and the child until the child begins to agree, whether true or not. When alienated long enough, children may resist any bond with the other parent and that parent may, out of frustration and hopelessness, sever ties with the child. This is the worst no-no any divorcing parent can commit and it has a name: Parental Alienation Syndrome.
Putting your child in the middle is one of the most common divorce no-no's. Asking your child questions about the other parent or time spent with the other parent, or asking your child to relay questions and information between parents are all harmful methods of putting the child in the middle. Parents should always communicate all issues privately between themselves and any questions or concerns about the other parent's home or situation should be directed at the parent, not the child.
Never put your child in the position of choosing. Most states have statues that require a child to be almost an adult before being capable of choosing where they want to live. Some states never allow the child this choice. This is because a child has natural healthy loyalty toward both parents. Being asked to make any choice between parents - whether the choice is who has custody or whose house the child wants to spend Christmas at - puts the child in the awkward position of shifting their loyalty away from one parent in favor of the other. This can leave them feeling guilty, resentful, angry and sad.
Don't make your child's special occasion an opportunity to focus on your marital resentment or hostility. Let your child's birthdays, holidays, school performances, dance recitals and sports events all be opportunities to focus on your child and how proud you are of your child. This is not the time to discuss parenting time issues, child support issues or to berate each other or ex-relatives. If you question your ability to be polite or civil, consider taking turns at special events or limiting your attendance. Often times, though, events will be large enough for parents to both attend at opposite ends of the room, leaving the child to interact freely with both sides of the family without fear of disruption or drama.
Although going through a divorce can make a parent feel emotionally needy, this should not be shared with your child through action or word. A child who feels a parent's neediness too much will begin feeling guilty or fearful of leaving the parent when it is time to spend time with the other parent. In some situations, children can feel so guilty that they no longer feel good about leaving the parent at all, even to go to school or to play at a friend's house. This is a huge burden to cast on a child.
There is the conversation you both have together with the kids, and that is one specific occurance. In time, the kids will likely barely remember what the actual words you said were. They will instead remember their own pain and sadness and however they *felt* at that moment. What you say will drift in one ear and out the other, and the only word that will matter is "divorce".
But then there are the weeks and months that follow....as your children get used to the idea, they begin to piece it together for themselves. They go through their own stages of fear, grief, denial, anger, etc.
Over time, they will begin to ask you questions about things. This is how they piece it together. They will covertly ask you both the same question at different times and then size up your answers for themselves.
Puppy, I have nothing by words of wisdom or "golden nuggets" to offer - but I did want to send you my best wishes and a great heart-felt "man-hug - slap slap!"
Question kerryK, I agree with all that, but what if the child comes to you with the hurt and feelings of abandonment. I should only validate there pain and acknowledge that the offending parent is offending. Why should I defend something that i feel is abhorrant in order to make the offending partner not appear bad. Surely this sends just as bad a messgae to child.
For example - Dad missed a visitation because his OW needed him to go shopping with her. Child is disappointed and hurt. i want to tell the child yes daddy is as selfish and self absorbed and does not care about how you feel. He is bhving like a teenager and let shope he realises this before it is to late ? Or do I say OH well sometimes daddy gets caught up and forgets time.
I think a middle ground is probably best. You should not try to lie and make your H out to be a saint, but you should also not say bad things about him. If it was me, I would mention it to my X that her child is hurt and disappointed.
And what DanceQueen says about the kids asking questions later on is so true. My son has come up with some really thought provoking questions for me lately.
Pollyana said: "For example - Dad missed a visitation because his OW needed him to go shopping with her. Child is disappointed and hurt. i want to tell the child yes daddy is as selfish and self absorbed and does not care about how you feel. He is bhving like a teenager and let shope he realises this before it is to late ? Or do I say OH well sometimes daddy gets caught up and forgets time."
This is exactly why counselors and coaches are advised for the WHOLE family when going through a divorce or separation (when there are children involved). They can help you discuss your pain and disappointment about the actions of the other parent, while then deciding how to frame your comments to the children about the other parent's actions. And they help the children talk directly, themselves, about their feelings about what each parent is doing or not doing, etc. It is important for a child to have an IMPARTIAL party to discuss these issues with.
It is so important to be clear with yourself about the difference between the pain you are feeling from your own situation and the pain the kids are feeling from theirs. That's why professional help is needed.
But in a nutshell....
We teach kids what is right by always doing the right thing ourselves.
Just and update, we had our first meeting with the divorce mediator today. He was EXCELLENT -- the most experienced in our area and one of the best in our state -- and really made us both feel at ease. Today was the easiest part, just explaining the process and going thru the parenting plan, but the more contentious stuff (alimony) will come in our next meeting.
The formerly fetching Mrs. Puppy got some much-needed doses of reality from him, and coming from HIM, instead of me, was a blessing. I was amazingly calm and confident for the 3-hour ordeal, and I think that was everyone I had praying for me. It was still sad, talking about splitting the holidays and stuff, but it all went very smoothly.
Tonite, she is out for drinks with a group of friends. I took off work early, blew off happy hour with my usual Friday buds, and took S16 and S12 golfing. We had a blast, and it was good stuff. Out for wings afterwards.
10:25 and she's still not home (out since 7), but I really don't care anymore. Tonite, I am at peace.
