This is not a woman who wants to leave. This is a woman who sees some changes in you and is so afraid to be hopeful you will change forever. She's so scared you will just change for now, and then go back to the way you both were.
...
She doesn't want out. Keep fighting.
SLH, you were so absolutely right.
We had a MC session tonight, first in a while, and my W really opened up...
She made me go first, and I described a few things that we had been doing as a family, and then said that no matter what we were doing together, I always felt the strong negative emotions that my W was keeping inside, and that although I was not upset by it, I empathized with her and was sad that she felt that way.
She was silent for a long time, and then with prompting from the C she started in.
(paraphrasing from memory)
- She had not happy in her M or attracted to me (because she was unhappy in her M) for a very long time, but had repressed it and pretended. She can't do that any more.
- After 10 years of living with me and me being "a bastard" to her and to her family (??) now all of the sudden I was this perfect happy and friendly person getting along with everyone, helping out and doing everything right
- This strange new person who I had become seemed fake and repulsed her even more.
- The changes all seemed too little too late.
- Why was it that I was getting along so well with her family now when I never had before.
- Her Sisters had been raving about me being so great and I hadn't even done all that much and it just made her want to be sick.
- That when she had told me that she wasn't attracted to me, I had started focusing on my looks and how that showed that I really didn't listen to her at all since attraction was emotional (I had understood - new clothes, losing wt, etc were my GAL)
- She snidely commented on all of the "phychobabble" that I had been reading, and how now I was reading books on optimism to make me happy (She knows I have bought a lot of books on amazon, but not what, and has seen me reading "Learned Optimism") - "He needs to read books to know what to think"
- She confirmed that she couldn't go and was working on the marriage because of the kids.
It went on for a while, and she was really emotional and crying. I was calm and for the most part just tried to validate. It confirmed in my mind that a) she was confused and scared, b) had seen my changes and they were in the right direction (she voiced 0 complaints about anything I had been doing recently) and c)was not looking for an immediate D
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I am so glad I have been on these boards and have been working on myself, because when she started in on it all, it sounded predictable and script and I was able to let all of the accusations just roll off me. The old me would have gotten defensive and tried to dispute each of her points.
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The C was floored. After she came out with all of this, he did not know how to proceed. To him, it has sounded like there was no hope at all.
... but then my W agreed to a follow up session next week.
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Even more telling to me was her actions afterward...
We went for a walk in town and she wanted to go clothes shopping together (for her). She picked out some tops for herself in a cool boutique. I picked a few out for her and she carried them all to the changing area. She had complained about being thirsty, so I offered to go get some drinks while she was trying them on and she said "no, wait...you have to see them when I try them on!"...
...she even bought 2 of the tops that I picked out for her.
...and then suggested that we go get some dinner.
No more R discussions, just hanging out, even a few laughs.
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She's no longer leaving, so long as I keep up my changes and don't scare her off.
I need to show her that the changes are good, real, and here to stay - and the good news is I need that for myself too.
I am also going to need to be very patient.
Last edited by Thinker; 04/24/0902:12 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
