A&K maybe you need some space from him so you can try to figure out what you want out of your life. Yes you want him home, but if he never comes home what do you want your life to look like? Torturing yourself with thoughts of all of the amazing people he's meeting and all of the amazing things he's doing isn't going to help at all. Besides, who's to say that it's really all that amazing and he's not just saying that because he knows it's the fastest and easiest way to make you feel bad about yourself. If you've been DB perfectly and he's noticed this could be his reaction to it.
It sucks and it's hard when the person we're in love with rejects our love and flaunts how "great" not having us in their life is. But I have to question how authentic they're being. At this point in your relationship he's going to be a selfish pr*ck. It's the nature of the beast. Do your best to not focus on it. Do your best to really GAL. Do your best to act as if his tales of the fast life don't mean a thing to you. Sooner or later it won't be an act.
I'm so happy with myself today. I didn't look at the phone once to see if he'd texted me. I actually didn't think about him all that much today. I sang along with the radio and talked to a friend on the way home from work instead of crying that he wasn't going to be home when I got there. I didn't check his Facebook page during my lunch hour to see if he updated it. Yeah, I do a lot of things that probably aren't healthy for me. There were a couple of time when I started to get sad, but I'd just find something to keep me busy until the moment passed. I don't know what happened to cause this change in my attitude, but I really like it.
There's a new song out there that seems as though it was written for someone in my sitch. Well, for all of us really. It's the new David Cook song, don't know if any of you have heard it. Kinda kicked my whole PMA in the gut. Time to watch tv.
Good song. Not really familiar with his music, but that song was very good. Interesting how most songs about loss and separation are written especially for us, isn't it?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
People love to cry with sad songs. I listen to a radio show called This American Life, they did a show a while ago on break-ups, it was kinda hard to listen to at times. I used to listen to that Lifehouse song, from where you are, oh and Breathing.
I think that Portland Dad gave some great advice, and I really do wonder sometimes how fabulous their shiny new life really is. Maybe hes just trying to convince himself that hes doing the "right" thing here. Dont listen to it. Especially if you think hes only being provocative. Have you been over to the affairs board? Look around on there, you can find some great advice over there.
A&K, I agree with DL, I think that you need to ramp up your GALing and I think that you need to go dark. I think that the detaching will help you out a lot. You can read about it on here, stick by it! If you need to talk about the kids, or something important then of course, but otherwise, you stop talking to him. Notice how the things you have done are good for YOU! the losing weight made you healthier, faster, more flexible. Who knows, maybe at the end of this you wont want him back... thats the point. To help you become a more well rounded, healed person, prepared for your H's return, but in a much better place to recover if that doesnt happen.
I remember looking on my H's facebook and myspace everyday, looking for changes or new postings by the OW, or her creepy little 19 year old friends. My heart would POUND as the page was loading, and I would spend hours recovering from whatever I found.
I made a decision to let the things that werent doing me good go. Real fundamental good, helping my attitude, self-esteem, bank account, health, everything else would go. I stopped checking his pages, texting, trying to trick him into hanging out. And that was probably the #1 thing I did for myself. It felt great to not HAVE to check his pages.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Blue Rain, sometimes I feel that he is luring me to have more fun (he said I didn't have enough fun in the marriage which is true). It is the same dynamic as when we were together. He's goofing off and doing whatever he wants and I'm the voice of reason. What if I gave in and just lightened up? But then, I feel wary because he is really disrespecting me and our family...
I am really disciplined about not snooping; I could access his email any time and I don't. Actually, a while back he went into my email because he couldn't stand not knowing what I was up to. I actually disabled my facebook because I didn't want to be tempted to look.
I hear most of what he's up to from him directly (once in a while a friend or the kids will tell me). He tells me nearly everything and he is having some successes that I was a part of, hard to feel isolated when I want to share it with him. If I go dark, is it something I just do? Or do I tell him anything? He felt so rejected and devalued in our marriage, it is hard to push him away. I'm sure this is common. Thanks for the help!
You can tell him if you want, but I wouldn't. Its not to teach him a lesson or anything like that, its not for him at all, in fact. This is time for you to focus on yourself, on getting back into a rhythm that isnt so destructive. You cant just do this all the time, have the break up be all you think about, what went wrong, how you could have changed it, etc. No one can, if you let it become an obsession it will eat you alive.
No one is asking you to push him away, only to stop trying to pull him closer. Maybe you could try doing some 180's if you really arent comfortable with going dark. React in a completely opposite manner than you normally would, stop texting/emailing/calling. And just let it be. Dont pursue contact, but instead wait for him to come to you, and when he does, be unexpected.
You said he felt devalued and rejected in your M, maybe you could find (legitimate) ways to compliment him, a 180, "H, Ive really noticed that youve lost weight, Im proud of you for becoming healthier, you look like you feel great." Is that over the top? Make it genuine, or hell see right through it. This is a change that would be positive for you too, and if you keep it up long enough, it wont be an act anymore, it will be who you are. And how could he not notice that.
Have you gotten the DBing books? I checked mine out from the library, and you can find almost all of the chapters on here. They will give you excellent suggestions.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I remember looking on my H's facebook and myspace everyday, looking for changes or new postings by the OW, or her creepy little 19 year old friends. My heart would POUND as the page was loading, and I would spend hours recovering from whatever I found.
I made a decision to let the things that werent doing me good go. Real fundamental good, helping my attitude, self-esteem, bank account, health, everything else would go. I stopped checking his pages, texting, trying to trick him into hanging out. And that was probably the #1 thing I did for myself. It felt great to not HAVE to check his pages.
That is some fabulous advice. Sadly, it is advice that I have not been following. I have her Wer Kennt Wen (German facebook essentially) page set up to auto-refresh every 5 minutes, along with the OMs page just to make sure she hasn't added him as a friend. It is such a crutch, but I just can't seem to break free of the jealousy, even though I could kick her to the curb tomorrow without being devastated.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Bluerain- I almost NEVER initiate contact, I am just too responsive when he does. And he does a lot. Today he picked up our kids from school (unexpectedly) and he brought them to "my" house (though he acts like it is his when he's here). He was telling me about another amazing opportunity he has and I was feeling like the cliche wife who gets dumped after 13 years just when he makes it big. And then, after he showed me some of the material he's working on, he offered me a hug. I stood on the bed because he is way taller than me and we hugged and it was the most beautiful long hug with a feeling of relief and surrender and we just stayed like that and savored it and I told him that I really appreciated the changes he's made (I forgot about all of my anger) and he asked me "like what?" and I told him some really specific things and it is all the kind of stuff I used to give him crap about not doing and I wanted to acknowledge them for some reason. We hugged for so long, it was heaven. But it wasn't a we're getting back together hug, it was a two human beings connecting and loving each other and it was just beyond perfect and we stayed there for so long. Until of course it turned sexual and then I had to let him know that I am not doing the "friends with benefits". It is so hard because I rejected him sooo much sexually when we were together and I hate being in that position. But, I don't know if he is with other women, his ring is off and I already did it a handful of times with him since he left. I just can't be full service. A
Anyway, then it got a little weird because he got embarrassed and he tried (as he does whenever we connect) to sort of play it off as a sort of mishap. And he feels bad he's giving me mixed messages and he spins. But that hug was everything and even if he does proceed with divorce, I know he is almost doing it against his own will. It sucks, his ego is so invested in following through. He has told everyone he knows and would look like an ass if he backed out. I have to be prepared for some backpedaling now and be so strong. I really don't know what is going to happen. I know it seems obvious that he'll be back but I think he may just have to do it to do it as sick as that is. He had told me that it was his destiny (yep leaving me) and that was a few months ago, but I think he still believes it.
A