Divorce looming #11

[orangedog]

House and retirement "can offer you stability but at your core they aren't what one needs to be happy, complete and whole as a person."

Maybe they offer some DEGREE of stability but I've seen enough retirement accounts wiped out and enough homes given back to the bank by otherwise very successful people I know personally to realize otherwise. It's just stuff. It comes and goes. There are no guarantees.

[K4D]

How did you finally move on CityGirl? Are you dating? Are you still waiting?

Funny you mention a home business. I have been trying to figure out a legit home business that I can do on the side while working to help generate extra income to no avail. What kind of business do you run from home?

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

Its easier to give advice than take it. I spent an hour talking to a lady friend last night who has been in a relationship for 3 years that has turned into him using her. She isn't married to him. I gave her all kinds of advice to help and try and move on.

I'm at home with my girls tonite. That is nice. I have a list of things to do here that was left for me to take care of this weekend.

I was looking at BA certifications today and talked to someone at villanova university. The cost is $5,300. I don't have it right now as they would want $1,200 in May. It would be for a master certificate of completion. You can't actually take the real certification test until you have been a BA for 5 years which I don't quite have that. Maybe a year or 2 of actual BA work. Its a little frusturating. Trying to debate if it is worth it right now. If it got me a real BA job in SDLC, then it would be totally worth it. But will it?

Goals at the moment are to get moved into my new place, do a good job at my job, and try and continue to look for a real BA position.

Personal goals. The usual, leave W alone. Be a great dad. Figure out how to put a future in place. Get W back some how some time. Heal my family and never return to the old Kevin again. At some point meet people I guess.

I need to break myself of this emotional attachment. Like Antlers says, until I can do that, its hard to enjoy much else. I still have alot of worries. This is a contracting position right now.

More goals, continuing to not cry in front of my kids. Stop trying to analyze the situation to death. Figure out how to move my career forward while still trying to obtain a life.

I wish I could date. But I can't bring myself to do it. I just have a real moral issue with it.

My kids were glad to see me. I was glad to see them also. I'm tired today. The drive to the house was so short compared to what I have been driving from where I live. That was nice having the short drive today.

What do you do for a living CityGirl? Just curious.

Kevin

4 X 8 TIME...GET A HELMET...
I'm having a VERY DIFFICULT TIME reading your posts now Kevin. Who the hell cares about a f-- ing BA job NOW? You wrote things to Antler that almost made me scream out, b/c you are telling him to "Get a grip" and "get some meds" b/c those are the FIRST THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING NOW BUT REFUSE TO DO SO AND YET TELL HIM TO DO THAT!?...

OMG. Don't you see how unhealthy your thought pattern is? WE ARE WORRIED THAT YOU ARE LOSING IT B/C YOU DON'T SEE THE HYPOCRISY & IRONY OF THOSE COMMENTS...you are blind.

I've given you every analogy (my sons' wrestling match when he beat the state champ who kept being distracted by his previous mistakes that he MADE MORE OF THEM....) and every post I send to you takes a lot of time and thought, Like CG's and Stucks and Volleys' and so many others here....

Did you even READ MY LAST POST TO YOU?

Antlers, we all hear what you are saying about your pain but you're letting your grief induce a thought disorder in you, like Kevin's. Don't repeat his mistakes. Where the head goes, the heart follows. I've told Kevin that at least 4 times...but so what? He won't think about that....

When you say "I can't help it' -- that's BS. YOU CAN HELP IT. LOVE IS A CHOICE. Antlers when you say "this is hard" ask yourself who you are talking to...b/c it is to people who have ALL been where you are now, so WE KNOW IT'S HARD and somehow we are able to help others going through it later on. WE rose above our pain to grow and hard as it was and is, WE DID IT...and we each had a moment when we chose.

Your wife may choose to stop loving you and may not ever CHOOSE to come back. She may SAY she "fell out of love" and "can't help how she feels"...maybe you've heard those words as so many of us have....and no doubt you cringed and thought, "screw "FELL OUT OF LOVE" and CHOOSE to love again!!" Choice exists but it must MUST be exercised...but that goes FOR YOU TOO....so CHOOSE TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY AND START THAT BY THINKING DIFFERENTLY...WHERE THE HEAD GOES, THE HEART WILL FOLLOW...
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD....does not mean give up, but it does mean BUCK UP...stop the complaining "woe is me"...please read my post Antlers, the last HUGE LONG one I sent to Kevin,

only to have him gloss over 99% of it.... which is an insult btw...and the frustration I feel here, must be much like Kevin's w's and I have to wonder how you K, cannot see the pattern YOU HAVE of doing this.

Kevin, Like my sister S the SVON queen, you are the SVON king...you refuse to use your own oxygen mask and the rest of us only have so much air...you wonder and wonder why ME? why why???? Stop wondering. The answer is clear. You need to change the way you view yourself and the world in general. Your paradigm is a big drag. CHANGE IT....we cannot do that for you. Get help and don't speak to Antlers like that and think you are helping HIM when you are a glaring example of hypocrisy....didn't you feel a tad embarrassed to write that to HIM when WE have been writing that to YOU For weeks and you have ignored us?

Like my sister, S, who chose to have a life sucking aura around her, which we ALL eventually avoided, you will lose friends (wait, you say you don't have any...) and posters...and already have lost some. My sister created more loneliness in her life and prolonged the normal amount of pain, into an amount that was FAR disproportionate to anyone's. Both Antler and you are falling into an ugly self centered whiny pattern and you have several people here telling you to STOP IT.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN DEEPLY HURT....Antlers, (I'll check your thread later) but yes, I get how a LONG M ending can hurt. I GET IT...been m longer than you and Kev. It's like a part of you is removed, but that's only a feeling and it does pass IF YOU WILL LET IT...

And Kevin I want you to see how you sound at times. If I hear you tell someone ELSE how much easier they must have it than you, or ONE MORE TIME about how sad it is that POOR KEVIN HAS TO "START OVER" NOW at the ripe OLD age of 34 which is 15 years younger than me....I'll just quit posting and wish you well.

I mean BFD!! You'd think you had built some huge massive fortune all on your own, only to lose it due to someone else's thievery AND that you were a paraplegic who was helpless AND age 70, who has to live in a shelter.... earlier you admitted You were lazy in your M and it is not the divorce that costs you, IT WAS YOU!! You refused a more demanding job and fobbed it off on your w so now SHE does more work and MAKES more money...AND so what anyway?

And now, without much OR ANY debt, you have a job that pays for an apartment with furniture and some benefits and you DARE To complain?????!!!
That's offensive to ME...
My house is likely WORTH MUCH LESS THAN WE OWE KEVIN....SO WAKE UP! (and NO we do NOT qualify for the "new mortgage deals" now will we allow it to be foreclosed so we'll have it on our backs for a long time and OH WELL....so don't even go there). WE'RE "SCREWED" B/C WE ACTUALLY MADE OUR PAYMENTS AND THE HOUSE IS A BIG FAT DRAIN....and we own a home elsewhere for my mom to live in, and THAT one is also a sucking chest wound bleeding us financially but I won't complain b/c I REFUSE TO LOOK AT MY FINITE TIME ON EARTH AND SPEND ANY OF IT WHINING ABOUT THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE...NOT ONE MINUTE OF IT...[/b.....so PLEASE please shut up about not owning a home or having a retirement already or liking your new job. IT's REPULSIVE TO READ.

People around here would LOVE to be EMPLOYED RENTERS like you AND have a job like you...but no, YOU have it worse than ALL The people here no matter what, that's your assumption...Geez you can be really narcissistic..oh and "Retirement?" Did you have a million dollars saved that is now all gone because you gave it to Bernie Madoff to manage? Oh, you didn't? How much was "taken" from you????? What's that? Not much? Oh....I see..... Once again you are simply NOT dealing with reality. It's a thought disorder Kevin and you need help.

I already told you that many people HERE ON THIS BOARD have lost fortunes (including yours truly?) and are much older than you are... BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE... and that sucks for US.

You're a healthy man with a marketable job skill and your wife wants a divorce. That hurts but it happens all the time, but you ( and maybe Antlers), sit there in the poop and rub yourselves into it and I HAVE to wonder if this is how you got here in the first place...Kevin, in your case I believe it IS....I think this is how you were with her...sorry, but damn it, STOP IT. It's exactly what she wrote about and you ARE that way and you actually pretend not to know why she left? You want to blame OM? Stop that.
.No one is shooting at you or telling you where to live or work or worship, no one is hacking your family to death b/c they belong to the wrong tribe, and you are not starving to death and you WILL see your children again soon, b/c you were lucky enough to have them and b/c no one abducted them or raped them, AND b/c they are healthy like YOU are (do you EVEN know that those bad things I used for comparison are happening TODAY AS YOU ARE READING THIS...to OTHER REAL PEOPLE who ALSO loved their wives???)
Rwanda, Sudan-Darfur, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Central America, Chechnya, Somalia, part of OUR own country in Appalachia and elsewhere...people are suffering far worse through NO fault of their own and yet they are HAPPY to be alive...

My brother in law died in September, at age 42 of a brain tumor. In the YEARS he fought that, with 5 (FIVE) brain surgeries at Johns Hopkins and 3 rounds of Chemo and countless clinical trials that were experimental, and radiation, I can honestly say to ALL OF YOU that I never heard that man complain about how unfair life was, ONE TIME...NOT ONE TIME...he'd say he was "a little tired" and I would learn he had been vomiting 15 hours straight. He held a full time job until 90 days before his death. Did chemo on Friday afternoons and went back to work Monday, though he was "entitled" to return later to work...He lived longer with his particular tumor than any previous patient and Johns Hopkins has written his story up in an article for the New England Journal of Medicine...I think his attitude was HUGELY IMPACTING and he saved others lives with what they learned from him and his kids admired him....NOW HE WAS A MAN I ADMIRE...AND HE'S GONE...so

GET OUT OF YOUR A-- AND INTO THE WORLD!

Timelines for how long it takes....see my signature Antlers...YEARS my friend, but I think it's worth it. We are leaving this week for a trip as a family (house sitter coming in a minute) and I would NOT have predicted that a few years ago, but again, it took YEARS...
This is the last time I'll say this to Kevin, but [b]"Don't use a butterfly's timeline--they only live a few days--so their timelines are hours, USE A MAN'S TIMELINE b/c you are men"


And b/c you are men, you should read the posts we so carefully and givingly send to you, with a LOT MORE CARE...b/c it's starting to get me down. And too frustrated. And for the life of me, I don't understand how you cannot see that the fact that WE are this frustrated has SO MUCH TO DO WITH YOUR SITUATIONS at home...and how much you bring upon yourself...and continue to.


I told that to kevin several times including my last LONG post to him...hopefully you will give it some thought. Kevin, I guess you won't. Get help. There's nothing I can say or do for you without you taking that step and it is enabling you to remain stuck in place wallowing, for me to keep posting here if you won't see a c or t or doctor b/c you are NOT HEARING US...we can't keep propping you up only to see you collapse the minute we turn our backs...we have lives too. And you need to get one.

(( j ))

[K4D]

Wow,

I know. Be thankful. I have to quit worrying about stuff. I wasn't trying to be hypocritical, I guess it just came across that way.

I'm also just trying to figure out an education plan.

I agree. Alot of people have it far worse than me. Alot of people have had their hearts broken and dreams crushed like me.

I don't have any benefits with this job by the way since it is only a contracting position.

But none the less, you are right. And I do read yalls posts multiple times. I just still let myself get down. And I have got to quit that.

I'm just tired of this. And I know yall are to. And yall are tired of yall's situations to. And I sure hope to be one of the lucky ones that saves his M. I pray everyday it will happen. But I can't do it if I always get down.

I think what bothers me alot is when she got the job with the money that I did not take, she left. And she no longer needs me financially. And now I worry about making enough money to attract her back on top of everything else I have to do to attract her back.

I'm tired of her ignoring me except when she needs something or it has to do with the kids.

But yall are all tired of your situations to and managing through it.

I just want to say to her, Hey, I love you and things will be ok. We can work through this. But I have said that and it only drove her further away. So I don't say it.

I am trying to do stuff. I just haven't gotten a life yet. I'm trying to learn this job. I'm trying to spend any time I can with my kids. I'm trying to get the apartment situation settled. It just all takes time, but I am getting closer to each one. I am trying to figure out an education plan. I am trying to figure out how to buy a house and retire by planning.

I'm doing stuff. I just still let myself get down to much. And it affects me. I am at the house now and I really feel secure here. I always do when I am here.

I hope yall enjoy your trip and I wish your daughter the best of luck. I'm sorry to hear about your house and retirement situation and everyone else's to. I know that is a worry for a lot of people.

I am taking meds. I haven't sought out a C yet and I need to. I will.

Things are looking up. They just take time. I just have to keep my W out of my mind.

Kevin

[davidswife]

Kevin,

You're not doing anything!! You're talking about planning, but you never actually PLAN!!

Kevin, stop trying and start DOING! Here you are again, going on and on about your wife this and your wife that - that's what you focus on and IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.

I go to work every day and teach with three year olds with brain tumors, fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, Down's syndrome, and the list goes on. These children will never have a "normal" life, have truly done nothing to deserve their plight, but I see more love for life, and determination from SPECIAL NEEDS THREE YEAR OLDS, than I see from a grown up, fully functioning, healthy, employed grown up man.

As far as your "dating" talk, anyone who would go out with you at this point would have to be a bigger train wreck than you are, and you don't need that. Unstable people don't attract healthy, happy, stable people - they attract other unstable people.

Wake up -- you're never going to get anywhere -- you think because you're moving, you're getting somewhere, but you're not because you're going in pointless circles all the time.

You're exhausting, and I don't know how your wife hung in with you as long as she did. You should be grateful for that.

[disneylove97]

You just don't get it. All of what 25 said and all you take away is "wow I get people have it worse that I do, but I don't have health insurance." Then more words about your wife and if she'll take you back. You aren't trying to do anything. You're talking a hell of a lot about how sad your life is and how it's just this or just that in your way of really living a good life. It doesn't really have anything to do with your self defeating attitude or the fact that you have not taken any action towards these plans. Not at all. It's because she doesn't see you and she doesn't listen when you say you love her and because you don't make enough money to attract her. Is she really that superficial that she wouldn't want you in her life because you make less money than she does? Could it possibly be that when you chose to not take the job she saw it as you choosing to not take responsibility for your life and your role as husband and father?

You've gotten so much great advice. So many people are posting on your thread and trying to help you through this, but you refuse to listen. You take one small thing that they say and then show them how it's not really true. I don't think anything is going to change for you until you actually step away and take a good look at yourself and accept responsibility for yourself. Stop blaming and just do something.

[MrBond]

Kevin,

Just re-read and process what 25 said. And please get over the money issue again. Enjoy your time with your Ds.

[CityGirl]

I know. Be thankful. I have to quit worrying about stuff. I wasn't trying to be hypocritical, I guess it just came across that way.

Dont you see though that you dont have the tools just to "quit worrying"? Why do you think so many people fail when they try and quit smoking cold turkey? Its because they are addicted and their bodies cannot function w/o a cig. A good majority of people that do quit for good need the patch, nicotine gum or a very structured support system with a professional in order to really curb their addiction and habbit.

You, my friend, dont have the tools to "just quit" your addiction and right now your addiction is being very stuck in a mindset that is borderline crazy! Without professional help of some sort your addiction will continue and you will never, ever be able to break it.

I agree. Alot of people have it far worse than me. Alot of people have had their hearts broken and dreams crushed like me.

I dont know anybody that hasnt had their heart broken. Its a part of life. My heart broke as I held my dad's hand when he took his last breath. My heart broke when I was diagnosed with an incurable disease, my heart broke again when my H left me and it shattered to bits when I found out about his affair. So yeah, we have all experienced massive and horrifying heartbreak. BUT and this is a big fat but.... if your only dream in life was to be married then you need to really evaluate your life. Because that means the only way you can be happy is with another. And you first need to be happy just with you.

I don't have any benefits with this job by the way since it is only a contracting position.

There you again - Mr. Negative. It's "only" a contract position. I know 10 people that would kill to "only" have a contract postion without any benefits. It may be "only" a contract position with no benefits but the big picture is... ITS AN OPPORTUNITY THAT YOU DIDNT HAVE A MONTH AGO.

But none the less, you are right. And I do read yalls posts multiple times. I just still let myself get down. And I have got to quit that.

Once again, is is painfully obvious that you dont have the tools needed to simply "quit" the very damaging mindset you are in. You can read until you are blue in the face but if you dont apply the advice or seek help then you can read all day and not a thing will change or improve.

I'm just tired of this. And I know yall are to. And yall are tired of yall's situations to. And I sure hope to be one of the lucky ones that saves his M. I pray everyday it will happen. But I can't do it if I always get down.

You have to save yourself before you can save your M. You dont yet have the tools or action plan to save yourself so how in the world do you think you can save a M? You get down because that is where you chooose to be. You have other options but you dont want to explore them. Until you STOP worrying about saving your M nothing and I mean NOTHING will happen.


I think what bothers me alot is when she got the job with the money that I did not take, she left. And she no longer needs me financially. And now I worry about making enough money to attract her back on top of everything else I have to do to attract her back.

As a woman I find that insulting. Yes, my H made tons more money than me but I can assure you I have never and will never *need* a man for financial reasons. Again with the obsessive worry about your W and attracting her back. Do you think any amount of money would attract her back at this point? You are wrong. Dead wrong and I dont even know your W. Until you change your entire outlook and life strategy you have no shot with your W or anybody else for that matter.


I'm tired of her ignoring me except when she needs something or it has to do with the kids.

If you are tired of it then let it go and stop being tired of it. I hate to break this to you but most spouses that walk away from a marriage tend to treat the spouse they left behind like crap. They are rude, selfish, demanding and cold. They think the sun and moon and stars revolve around them and each whim or desire they have. Its all part of the anatomy of a walk away spouse. She treats you like garbage because you allow her to. Next time she needs something tell her no, sorry, I am not available.

But yall are all tired of your situations to and managing through it.

Many of us are not just managing because we are special people - we are managing because each damn day we work our tails off to get to a better place. Am I tired of my situation? MY GOD YES. I am exhausted, mentally saturated and sick to death of it. But I power through all that and keep trucking. Tonight my H called me out of the blue and we chatted for 2 hours. It was lovely and light and nice. Then we hung up and I cried for 10 min. So, I let myself feel that then I took a deep breath, ate 2 bagels and made myself regroup. Guess what? One month from now my H and I go to court AGAIN. And NOW, after 13 months of more bullsh*t then I have time to write he is NOW telling me that maybe its best if we stay separated for another year rather than divorce. Can you say rage.. NOW he is saying this? But I wont get broken again. Now I step back and regroup and think. I am in charge here because its MY LIFE.


I just want to say to her, Hey, I love you and things will be ok. We can work through this. But I have said that and it only drove her further away. So I don't say it.

You need to be okay before "things" can be okay. How about saying to your W.. "hey lady, back off so I can get my life in order and once I do, maybe I will give you a call". You shouldnt be saying ANYTHING to her right now in the state you are in unless its "hello" "goodbye" or something related to the children. Anything else will not help!


I am trying to do stuff. I just haven't gotten a life yet. I'm trying to learn this job. I'm trying to spend any time I can with my kids. I'm trying to get the apartment situation settled. It just all takes time, but I am getting closer to each one. I am trying to figure out an education plan. I am trying to figure out how to buy a house and retire by planning.

Ok - I have moved many times and it doesnt take more than a week to get an apartment settled unless you are moving into some sort of penthouse that is 5000 square feet. Learning the job takes place at work. So what else are you doing to get a life? You say you are planning but you wont say HOW you are planning.

I'm doing stuff. I just still let myself get down to much. And it affects me. I am at the house now and I really feel secure here. I always do when I am here.

You let yourself get down because you dont have the tools to do anything else. Security needs to come from within, not from four walls and a roof.

I am taking meds. I haven't sought out a C yet and I need to. I will.

When? What day?

Things are looking up. They just take time. I just have to keep my W out of my mind.

If you *have* to keep your W out of your mind why do you mention her every chance you get? Until you realize that right now she has to be nothing to you, she will stay firmly planted in your brain and you will stay firmly planted in this cycle.

[jaguilar]

Yea Kev, 25 just told you to stop. Then you went on with your "but this and that", dude stop.

You've got 25, Stuck and City giving you great posts and your throwing it away...woe is me.

No one can help Kevin except Kevin.

[K4D]

Ya,

I have plenty to be thankful for.

I am doing stuff though. Plans are being put into action and some things are still in the planning stage. But things are being worked.

Things that are happening, I have a job, I was approved for my apartment, I am getting time with my kids. I will have them every other week in a few weeks.

Things being put into place, an education plan and career plan. This is still in the planning stages, but I am researching and trying to work it out.

I do think I am always a little anxious starting a new job to. I think that is normal until you start getting things down.

Hey tomorrow is Friday. Its the weekend. WOOHOO!!!

Thanks again,

Kevin