Divorce looming #11

[25yearsmlc]

Its easier to give advice than take it. I spent an hour talking to a lady friend last night who has been in a relationship for 3 years that has turned into him using her. She isn't married to him. I gave her all kinds of advice to help and try and move on.

I'm at home with my girls tonite. That is nice. I have a list of things to do here that was left for me to take care of this weekend.

I was looking at BA certifications today and talked to someone at villanova university. The cost is $5,300. I don't have it right now as they would want $1,200 in May. It would be for a master certificate of completion. You can't actually take the real certification test until you have been a BA for 5 years which I don't quite have that. Maybe a year or 2 of actual BA work. Its a little frusturating. Trying to debate if it is worth it right now. If it got me a real BA job in SDLC, then it would be totally worth it. But will it?

Goals at the moment are to get moved into my new place, do a good job at my job, and try and continue to look for a real BA position.

Personal goals. The usual, leave W alone. Be a great dad. Figure out how to put a future in place. Get W back some how some time. Heal my family and never return to the old Kevin again. At some point meet people I guess.

I need to break myself of this emotional attachment. Like Antlers says, until I can do that, its hard to enjoy much else. I still have alot of worries. This is a contracting position right now.

More goals, continuing to not cry in front of my kids. Stop trying to analyze the situation to death. Figure out how to move my career forward while still trying to obtain a life.

I wish I could date. But I can't bring myself to do it. I just have a real moral issue with it.

My kids were glad to see me. I was glad to see them also. I'm tired today. The drive to the house was so short compared to what I have been driving from where I live. That was nice having the short drive today.

What do you do for a living CityGirl? Just curious.

Kevin

4 X 8 TIME...GET A HELMET...
I'm having a VERY DIFFICULT TIME reading your posts now Kevin. Who the hell cares about a f-- ing BA job NOW? You wrote things to Antler that almost made me scream out, b/c you are telling him to "Get a grip" and "get some meds" b/c those are the FIRST THINGS YOU SHOULD BE DOING NOW BUT REFUSE TO DO SO AND YET TELL HIM TO DO THAT!?...

OMG. Don't you see how unhealthy your thought pattern is? WE ARE WORRIED THAT YOU ARE LOSING IT B/C YOU DON'T SEE THE HYPOCRISY & IRONY OF THOSE COMMENTS...you are blind.

I've given you every analogy (my sons' wrestling match when he beat the state champ who kept being distracted by his previous mistakes that he MADE MORE OF THEM....) and every post I send to you takes a lot of time and thought, Like CG's and Stucks and Volleys' and so many others here....

Did you even READ MY LAST POST TO YOU?

Antlers, we all hear what you are saying about your pain but you're letting your grief induce a thought disorder in you, like Kevin's. Don't repeat his mistakes. Where the head goes, the heart follows. I've told Kevin that at least 4 times...but so what? He won't think about that....

When you say "I can't help it' -- that's BS. YOU CAN HELP IT. LOVE IS A CHOICE. Antlers when you say "this is hard" ask yourself who you are talking to...b/c it is to people who have ALL been where you are now, so WE KNOW IT'S HARD and somehow we are able to help others going through it later on. WE rose above our pain to grow and hard as it was and is, WE DID IT...and we each had a moment when we chose.

Your wife may choose to stop loving you and may not ever CHOOSE to come back. She may SAY she "fell out of love" and "can't help how she feels"...maybe you've heard those words as so many of us have....and no doubt you cringed and thought, "screw "FELL OUT OF LOVE" and CHOOSE to love again!!" Choice exists but it must MUST be exercised...but that goes FOR YOU TOO....so CHOOSE TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY AND START THAT BY THINKING DIFFERENTLY...WHERE THE HEAD GOES, THE HEART WILL FOLLOW...
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO MOVE FORWARD....does not mean give up, but it does mean BUCK UP...stop the complaining "woe is me"...please read my post Antlers, the last HUGE LONG one I sent to Kevin,

only to have him gloss over 99% of it.... which is an insult btw...and the frustration I feel here, must be much like Kevin's w's and I have to wonder how you K, cannot see the pattern YOU HAVE of doing this.

Kevin, Like my sister S the SVON queen, you are the SVON king...you refuse to use your own oxygen mask and the rest of us only have so much air...you wonder and wonder why ME? why why???? Stop wondering. The answer is clear. You need to change the way you view yourself and the world in general. Your paradigm is a big drag. CHANGE IT....we cannot do that for you. Get help and don't speak to Antlers like that and think you are helping HIM when you are a glaring example of hypocrisy....didn't you feel a tad embarrassed to write that to HIM when WE have been writing that to YOU For weeks and you have ignored us?

Like my sister, S, who chose to have a life sucking aura around her, which we ALL eventually avoided, you will lose friends (wait, you say you don't have any...) and posters...and already have lost some. My sister created more loneliness in her life and prolonged the normal amount of pain, into an amount that was FAR disproportionate to anyone's. Both Antler and you are falling into an ugly self centered whiny pattern and you have several people here telling you to STOP IT.

WE HAVE ALL BEEN DEEPLY HURT....Antlers, (I'll check your thread later) but yes, I get how a LONG M ending can hurt. I GET IT...been m longer than you and Kev. It's like a part of you is removed, but that's only a feeling and it does pass IF YOU WILL LET IT...

And Kevin I want you to see how you sound at times. If I hear you tell someone ELSE how much easier they must have it than you, or ONE MORE TIME about how sad it is that POOR KEVIN HAS TO "START OVER" NOW at the ripe OLD age of 34 which is 15 years younger than me....I'll just quit posting and wish you well.

I mean BFD!! You'd think you had built some huge massive fortune all on your own, only to lose it due to someone else's thievery AND that you were a paraplegic who was helpless AND age 70, who has to live in a shelter.... earlier you admitted You were lazy in your M and it is not the divorce that costs you, IT WAS YOU!! You refused a more demanding job and fobbed it off on your w so now SHE does more work and MAKES more money...AND so what anyway?

And now, without much OR ANY debt, you have a job that pays for an apartment with furniture and some benefits and you DARE To complain?????!!!
That's offensive to ME...
My house is likely WORTH MUCH LESS THAN WE OWE KEVIN....SO WAKE UP! (and NO we do NOT qualify for the "new mortgage deals" now will we allow it to be foreclosed so we'll have it on our backs for a long time and OH WELL....so don't even go there). WE'RE "SCREWED" B/C WE ACTUALLY MADE OUR PAYMENTS AND THE HOUSE IS A BIG FAT DRAIN....and we own a home elsewhere for my mom to live in, and THAT one is also a sucking chest wound bleeding us financially but I won't complain b/c I REFUSE TO LOOK AT MY FINITE TIME ON EARTH AND SPEND ANY OF IT WHINING ABOUT THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE...NOT ONE MINUTE OF IT...[/b.....so PLEASE please shut up about not owning a home or having a retirement already or liking your new job. IT's REPULSIVE TO READ.

People around here would LOVE to be EMPLOYED RENTERS like you AND have a job like you...but no, YOU have it worse than ALL The people here no matter what, that's your assumption...Geez you can be really narcissistic..oh and "Retirement?" Did you have a million dollars saved that is now all gone because you gave it to Bernie Madoff to manage? Oh, you didn't? How much was "taken" from you????? What's that? Not much? Oh....I see..... Once again you are simply NOT dealing with reality. It's a thought disorder Kevin and you need help.

I already told you that many people HERE ON THIS BOARD have lost fortunes (including yours truly?) and are much older than you are... BUT YOU DIDN'T CARE... and that sucks for US.

You're a healthy man with a marketable job skill and your wife wants a divorce. That hurts but it happens all the time, but you ( and maybe Antlers), sit there in the poop and rub yourselves into it and I HAVE to wonder if this is how you got here in the first place...Kevin, in your case I believe it IS....I think this is how you were with her...sorry, but damn it, STOP IT. It's exactly what she wrote about and you ARE that way and you actually pretend not to know why she left? You want to blame OM? Stop that.
.No one is shooting at you or telling you where to live or work or worship, no one is hacking your family to death b/c they belong to the wrong tribe, and you are not starving to death and you WILL see your children again soon, b/c you were lucky enough to have them and b/c no one abducted them or raped them, AND b/c they are healthy like YOU are (do you EVEN know that those bad things I used for comparison are happening TODAY AS YOU ARE READING THIS...to OTHER REAL PEOPLE who ALSO loved their wives???)
Rwanda, Sudan-Darfur, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Central America, Chechnya, Somalia, part of OUR own country in Appalachia and elsewhere...people are suffering far worse through NO fault of their own and yet they are HAPPY to be alive...

My brother in law died in September, at age 42 of a brain tumor. In the YEARS he fought that, with 5 (FIVE) brain surgeries at Johns Hopkins and 3 rounds of Chemo and countless clinical trials that were experimental, and radiation, I can honestly say to ALL OF YOU that I never heard that man complain about how unfair life was, ONE TIME...NOT ONE TIME...he'd say he was "a little tired" and I would learn he had been vomiting 15 hours straight. He held a full time job until 90 days before his death. Did chemo on Friday afternoons and went back to work Monday, though he was "entitled" to return later to work...He lived longer with his particular tumor than any previous patient and Johns Hopkins has written his story up in an article for the New England Journal of Medicine...I think his attitude was HUGELY IMPACTING and he saved others lives with what they learned from him and his kids admired him....NOW HE WAS A MAN I ADMIRE...AND HE'S GONE...so

GET OUT OF YOUR A-- AND INTO THE WORLD!

Timelines for how long it takes....see my signature Antlers...YEARS my friend, but I think it's worth it. We are leaving this week for a trip as a family (house sitter coming in a minute) and I would NOT have predicted that a few years ago, but again, it took YEARS...
This is the last time I'll say this to Kevin, but [b]"Don't use a butterfly's timeline--they only live a few days--so their timelines are hours, USE A MAN'S TIMELINE b/c you are men"


And b/c you are men, you should read the posts we so carefully and givingly send to you, with a LOT MORE CARE...b/c it's starting to get me down. And too frustrated. And for the life of me, I don't understand how you cannot see that the fact that WE are this frustrated has SO MUCH TO DO WITH YOUR SITUATIONS at home...and how much you bring upon yourself...and continue to.


I told that to kevin several times including my last LONG post to him...hopefully you will give it some thought. Kevin, I guess you won't. Get help. There's nothing I can say or do for you without you taking that step and it is enabling you to remain stuck in place wallowing, for me to keep posting here if you won't see a c or t or doctor b/c you are NOT HEARING US...we can't keep propping you up only to see you collapse the minute we turn our backs...we have lives too. And you need to get one.

(( j ))