It is much easier to give advice than to take it.. no doubt about that! Part of the reason I keep posting to you in such a vehement fashion is because I can feel your pain coming through the computer screen and it takes me back to where I was not that long ago. And many wise people who had been through a similar experience (being left and enduring an affair) tried up and down with great effort to get me thinking in a new direction. And for a long time I didnt listen, I blew them off, I figuerd I knew better and I was *certain* if I waited long enough my H would come back. He never did and he has no plans to.
Once I decided to at least try and heal myself and make some sort of life for myself I thought it was so hard I was going to die. In those early days my list was so basic it was ridiculous. It went somthing like this:
Wake up. Make coffee. Brush teeth. Walk dog. While walking dog think of one positive thought. Feed dog.
That is how bad of shape I was in. As I said before early on I was having such severe panic attacks I was afraid to go outside or drive. The situation became very severe and on top of all of that I was dealing with a very serious physical health issue.
So when I say I know what it feels like to be at the absolute bottom of the pit, I mean it. Things were so bad for me that I couldnt even remember when I had taken a shower over the course of a week. It's not easy to share things like that on a public forum but maybe it will help you see that you are not alone.
For me it was even worse because I am self employed (I do business planning & research for small companies) and I work in a home office so by nature, its isolating. I didnt have an outside job to go to each day that would force me to get out of the house or even get dressed!
The only place I felt safe being was home or at my sisters house. I fell into a terrible depression. I have a mailbox in the basement of my building and one day the mail lady knocked on my door because I had not picked up my mail in close to a month and I didnt even realize it.
I could go on and on but you get the picture. I was the poster child for the absolute lowest of the low.
I still have miles and miles of personal self improvement and work to do. I still struggle with detaching and acceptance. I still feel very sad but I know that I will be okay even if divorce was not what I ever wanted.
