Living With the Passive Aggressive Spouse

[ThinkingItThru]

OK, I'm posting under Newcomers even though I'm not. I've been in this for under a year, but it feels like forever. I'm not sure I remember being in a happy marriage. There's not really a category for those of us who aren't separated or divorced, but aren't newbies either.

My C diagnosed my H as very Passive Aggressive (PA) in my second session with her back in Sept 08. I've spent months sleeping with a man who ignores me. I was certain it was MLC because of the sudden nature of the crisis and the fact that a "bomb" was dropped, but now I really just think he's always been like this, but he just decided to stop covering it. The PA got worse, as a "Rescuer" I tried harder, and the PA got even more worse.

I've recently read a book, "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler. Excellent book if you have a spouse with the style of managing their relationships. Wish I had it 6 months ago. Would have saved me months of beating myself up.

I do believe in the DB process. I think the worst thing you can do for a marriage is give up without trying everything possible to save it. As my C said, "make sure when you are 85 you have no regrets. That you tried everything." That said, I'm not one to hang on to a bad relationship for years with someone who doesn't love, like, or respect me. And I disagree with many in that I don't think it is good for children to see a dysfunctional marriage forever and ever. I look at myself as an example and my parents staying together and not being able to provide me with a good example of a marriage has not done me any favors. It has possibly even kept me in something that I should have ended long ago.

That said, I've recently asked my H if he would be happier moving out, but I don't think he's going to. He's comfortable with where he is. And I'm not leaving my kids or pulling them away from their home. So, I am sticking with it until they're out of high school. I still have an tiny bit of hope that he might see whats going on and decide on some IC or MC, but that's not likely. The PA-ness is too ingrained. So, I just have to try and find a happy way of being for me in my current life. Its not easy, but I keep asking the universe for signs.

If you're living with a PA, let me know. It would be cool to share.

NOTE: I'M USING PA AS "PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE" NOT "PHYSICAL AFFAIR"