There is the conversation you both have together with the kids, and that is one specific occurance. In time, the kids will likely barely remember what the actual words you said were. They will instead remember their own pain and sadness and however they *felt* at that moment. What you say will drift in one ear and out the other, and the only word that will matter is "divorce".
But then there are the weeks and months that follow....as your children get used to the idea, they begin to piece it together for themselves. They go through their own stages of fear, grief, denial, anger, etc.
Over time, they will begin to ask you questions about things. This is how they piece it together. They will covertly ask you both the same question at different times and then size up your answers for themselves.
Don't be surprised if they are actually mad at you BOTH at some point. They will feel cheated out of their family without their consent, and they won't care who was the "better person" or "better parent". All they will know is that the choice was yours and not theirs and they will believe that somehow you could have chosen differently for their sakes.
But this stage usually passes pretty quickly and is over before you know it. You will know when its over when they start to talk differently, with resolve instead of fear and pain. They will then begin to accept it and "get it". After this phase is when they will then really start to review the events leading up to the divorce....
Then of course, as adults, they will remember things like mom always watching that stupid show "The Cougar" while dad was there playing cards or baseball with us (or fill in the blanks with your own details). Then they will examine what "The Courgar" was about and realize what this means about mom's pysche. Then they will examine family pictures, and they will *see* new truths there, too. If mom was always leathery-tanned and too skinny and wearing revealing clothing, they will eventually understand and piece all of this together for themselves.....
But all divorcing parents should be prepared for how difficult this is really going to be. Not just one event, like the day you tell them, but the whole process, the years that follow, the holidays that are split between households, etc.
And in the end, (Puppy please don't take this wrong), but BOTH parents ALWAYS contributed to the demise of the marriage when it ends in divorce, and the kids know this instinctively. But some parents actually expect their children to "side" with them, the "good" parent, and be "against" the "bad" parent. This is not only unhealthy, but it is very unfair to the children. The children have their own feelings and thoughts on how this affects them, and unfortuatnely, it is only about *them* and *their feelings* in their minds. They are not capable, nor should they be expected to, defend you or take your side...regardless of the circumstances.
THAT will happen later after many years of reflection. It will not happen while they are going through it.
