I had absolutely no idea what I wanted or even liked-- no identity at all separate from my husband. It gets better, I promise. Once you realize it's all about you now and you no longer have to play second fiddle to an ungrateful jerk, you are going to feel a huge sense of relief.
Kimmie, I have thought about it, but I dont think there is much action there either.
Andabelle, It has always been Renee and xxxx for 20 years, so yea I lost my idenity and gave all I had to give to my h and son. The problem with that is I didnt give enough to GOD.
Jack, this question is for you. I dont think I have ever heard your opinion on this. From what I have written about my xh and our sitch, do you think he is in MLC? Now, I ask you this because it is important to me. The reason is if its MLC, I WILL treat it like an illness (as per your suggestion and many others as well), WHILE moving on with my life BUT leaving the door open. I know its just YOUR opinion and your opinion only, but with that said, this HARD HEADED LADY knows that you know your stuff. AND please dont say it DOESNT MATTER because from everything I have read IT DOES. MLC is a sickness. I would not be mean to a sick person so why would I be mean to my xh if he is sick. Just your opinion, but I WANT IT PLEASE.
Renee, you didn't ask for my opinion on this, but if you don't mind, I will offer my 2 cents. Based on what you have said, I do not think your H is in a MLC. I think your H is a WAS, and I say this based on a couple of things. First, he got a D very quickly, typically a MLCer will stretch things out a bit, to test the waters so to say, in your case this didn't happen, he took off and got the D very quickly, this is a classic sign of a WAS. I realize this is hardly scientific evidence, but spending a great deal of time on the boards you get a feel for things. 2nd, he hasn't even hinted at a possible reconciliation, again its hardly proof, but based on what I have read on here with people, MLCers typically try to string thier spouses along a bit to keep them from moving on, I haven seen this in your case. Renee, I understand about standing, but at the same time in order to keep standing, I think one needs to see some progress in doing so to keep on standing. I haven't really seen where you have made any. My advice to you is to put the past behind you and rebuild your life. If in the future he wants to be a part of it, you can choose to allow him to be part of it.
Thank You BH for your opinion. I have often wondered about this myself. I am on the fence on this one, and that is why I asked. My xh did want a divorce very quickly, he said he wanted to date and didnt feel like it was fair to still be married and doing this. I know this could just be talk. When he left, we did remain intimate for awhile. That was my doing. He said to let him go through whatever he was going through and we could always get remarried. Said he wanted different companionship. Wanted to be single and play around....yes he actually said that! He would come around and do things at the house for the first few months, up until around Jan. He was talking to me and taking my calls until he moved this young girl in with him and ALL that stopped. Want even pull in my driveway when she is with him, but will when she is NOT, so I know she has influence on him and he is afraid of losing her.
He is working out like crazy and laying in tanning bed.
BH, I thought WAS didnt have any contact after they left?
Renee, you will be amazed when you do the following.....how much more peace there will be in YOU,to wake up in the morning with out dreading the rest of the day.And all it takes is this.....making The Lord God first.... above everything or anybody else, if you truly give it to him.....what comes next is complete inner peace....before I totally did that, I was so tired of trying to save my marriage , BUT THIS BATTLE IS NOT OURS BUT HIS.and if he will take that from me, that is one less thing I have to worry about.... I want to share this with you because it's the truth, and the only one who could of done this was God himself.I dont know what his mind set is but my Jerry goes to church W/O ,I dont care about that maybe she needs to hear about The Lord herself,I dont care what his motives are for going....all I know is that in the 25 yrs of our marriage he never once went to church.didnt want to had no interest..but God has brought him in and for that I will rejoice. I dont mean to preach at you all I am saying is when I finally took my eyes of off my husband and made God first in my life, being obedient to him,that is when The Lord took control of MY LIFE...please please do it for your own sanity...it feels so good to not think about Jerry when I go to sleep and dread just getting up in the morning,I went to bed crying on the floor every nite and waking up with a sad heart and crying again...it does not have to be like that.... try it Renee..totally surrender to his will,be obedient to him, keep going to church,read your bible daily... in the word of God it says this and I do it read it every morning
Psalms5 vs 3: IN THE MORNING OH LORD YOU HEAR MY VOICE; IN THE MORNING I LAY MY REQUESTS BEFORE YOU AND WAIT IN EXPECTATION.
Sorry for the long post but I felt the spirit of the Lord leading me to speak to you about this I will keep you in my prayers mija.....vaya con dios
plus I think your path is still the same whether he is in MLC or a WAS.....your path is the same...just one day at a time...and dont worry how long it takes for you to not think about him all the time.....but make an effort...one day you will see him..your heart wont be completely broken...and you will think wow I spent al this time hurting over him...he is just an imperfect man ( one that you love ) but it will hit you one day....take care of you, treat yourself good. Here is a small example. I used to always make sure my H was dressed nice, meaning, I bought his clothes...I thought he liked it....but the man looked sharp for work....after we seperated and some time went by I saw him dressed for a special event...and I would have never put that outfit on him ( I certainly hope OW didnt). Anyway , to go back...now for my clothes...I had only a few nice things...I was alwasy spending my time dressing him.......what the heck...Now I spend the that time on me, cant afford as much as I would like now. But hey I dont have only 5 work outfits anymore and 2 pair of work shoes....( I lost count how many shoes I have now) Anyway just one way I put the focus on me....and yes he made comments about how I didnt dress well.....it was true when I looked at it...i had the old sweats for after work, a few work outfits and that was it.....what was I thinking....anyway....now I have lots of purses too. My only point here is start taking care of you!
Sunshine, do you want to get advice from other D'd posters, or do you just want to stay here because there's more "action"? How does that help you start to heal from your D? You seem to be stuck because you keep asking the same questions and focusing on the minutiae. You need to step back and start making plans for your new life.
I think if you read through some of the threads there you would see how others are dealing with things that are similar to your sitch. You can still post in this forum too, it's just that you may get a different perspective if you don't laser in on MLC to the exclusion of other posters' experiences.
