(((((Kalni))))) I think it is good that he is realizing he can't keep up what he is doing. Whether it improves things with you or not.
Now, I think this:
Quote:
I suggested possible scenarios that would allow him to keep both jobs but for example work as an advisor to the morning one, going once or twice a week at the office and he said he will think about it.
might have been a mistake. For one thing, I don't think he wants you to try to fix his problems. The other thing is that "advisor" jobs have a way of sucking you back in, and you end up right where you were before.
I think it is ok that he is thinking of it as a survival thing right now, as worn out as he is he probably can't think about how it might change things with you. Let that happen if it happens! For now, just support him if he decides to try to change things. I think that changing his life might be the first step in changing you life together.
Jeff, I thought about it before suggesting it. He seems to appreciate it when I make suggestions to help him out that are not radical, when I dont take the opportunity to say :"yeah,quit, one job, so what if you feel insecure, you 'll have time for us...". He feels I think of HIM before me. Which is basically true. And the morning job would not suck him in.
And he always wants my suggestions. He has admitted thateven at the MC that I am the person he trusts more than anyone about his job because I "see" things others dont... K
Wow! So you have been saying all along that it (the M) will never work as long as he has two jobs, and now he has admitted that he cannot handle having two jobs any more! Even if he sees it as a matter of survival (which I "get" bc my H says all the time that the pressure/stress of his job is killing him), it is still a win-win. If he quits or even cuts in half the time at one of the jobs, that will give him more time for 'life', including you guys. He probably is wearing himself down with both jobs and I bet it is good for his survival to quit one. But it can also do great things for the two of you and for your kids.
In that case I think you did fine! And it is good that he is thinking about it. He's still looking for someone to blame for how he is feeling, so you get to hear other stuff, too. Let that roll off your back, see what he really decides to do.
I KNEW IT! I said didnt I? Dont assume he is happy and will stay like this.. a change might be coming, noone can work two jobs the way he has done, he will get burnt out... yay! I'm doing a dance, a dance around the room!!!! Not THE dance, but a dance all the same.
I hope he follows up this realisation with something radical.. like quitting one job ! And I did like it..Progress! (slow...)
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I've missed so much on your thread! I'm so glad you were able to help H with some advice when he asked for it- I think that helping when they ask is a great thing to be able to do and it sounds like he really appreciates it.
I hope he takes up some of the suggestions. It's sounded like his work obsession has hurt everyone, including him himself.
Hope things are OK with you (and that you're still enjoying your lovely new handbag!)
He said right now he cant think of us, its even more basic, like a survival thing.
He what?
kalni...why do you love this man? Why are you holding on to him? Your life is on hold for him. Why?
I caution you that this forum will keep you hanging on to hope for years. Fear and denial are poweful tools to immobilize you.
What is a marriage?
Did you say, for better or worse (well, maybe not TOO worse)...or...'til death do we part (well...maybe not THAT long).
Those weren't MY vows.
Think.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I know what you are saying and that's why I sarcastically thanked him. He didnt like my sarcasm, I didnt like his comment...
Dont worry. I am thinking long and hard (stop giggling girls!!! ), and that's why what he said didnt really matter to me. He is running out of time. I was just telling Ali last night on IM that this is it. I am reaching the end of "hoping". I wasnt going to act on it yet, but I did tell him today I cant go on like this though since he brought it up. I am just careful and calm. K
It's my kids FIB, and FEAR about their future and mine. And some kind of connection that still exists between me and him. That COULD become a good relationship. He is making all that look weaker and weaker as motivation the way he handles our "marriage".
I can understand where FIB is coming from since it is coming up 3 years since his bomb. The difference is he is living in a very hostile environment with an angry wife that hates him. Your H does not hate you - he hates his day to day life and is overstressed with work. He seems so similar to BobbiJo's H. As Woog would say - "they are broken". I think they have just lost some of the spice in their lives, but it can only be them that brings the spice back.
I also can totally relate to sticking it out for the kids. Looking back, I can see that was my most important reason for trying to save my marriage. Only you can decide when enough is enough. I do commend you and think it very honorable and noble that you stuck it out this long.
), and that's why what he said didnt really matter to me. He is running out of time. I was just telling Ali last night on IM that this is it. I am reaching the end of "hoping". I wasnt going to act on it yet, but I did tell him today I cant go on like this though since he brought it up. I am just careful and calm.