It's Complicated! Part 6

[braveheart]

Glam., I thought all along that your H didn't come to do the taxes to try to provoke a fight with you. Its obvious to me that he is trying to use every little thing to try to justify his wanting a D,leavng, not doing anything, not going to C, etc. Protect yourself and the kids through this.

[glamgirl]

Sick today, can't even go to work. I am at a loss as to what to do with my life. I am seriously conemplating packing it up and moving back to CA to start fresh.

I am asking myself, what is here for me? I don't have a support system here for the kids. Meaning in CA I would have relatives that could help. I would like to think I could stay here with the support of h, but as we can see that is not happening. I don't really like my job.

I spent 3 years of my life trying to make this M work, and nothing has transpired. All he ever does is walk around and blame me. Never does he get honest with himself and look deep and say look at what I have done to others and Glam. I know he isn't solely to blame, but if he wouldn't have been sneeking around and being dishonest we wouldn't be living apart today.

It's always me that threw him under the bus or I was the one that trampled his image. It is such a distorted way of thinking. Like the taxes, why can't he just say Glam you have every right to file separatly. I don't live in the house and support you and I didn't respond when you asked for my help you did what YOU needed to do. I am sorry I didn't communicate, but I will suffer the consequences for my lack of actions.

I am at a loss as to how he cannot accept responsibility for his actions. It just floors me. Does he not see it? Will he ever see it? Does he really not see it or is it just an excuse to continue to blame me?

I am sorry if I sound like such a broken record. It's just that I really wanted this M to work, but am now realizing I am probably with someone that really doesn't want to piece it back together. Now when I approach h with these things, he says there you go again Glam putting words in my mouth. I didn't say that. See you don't listen. Why should I bother. That's why I can't move home. I was making progress and now you do this. You see the cycle goes round and round and round we go.

The way I see it, if someone had the desire drive and ambition to make it work, they would throw all excuses aside and make it work and not allow blame or excuses to get in the way. I don't feel you need to baby step your way back into anything. If you want it bad enough you will make the effort. So as you can see, my thoughts are that my h really doesn't want this, but makes an allusion that he does and strings me along like we are a family or something making me think he will be back, but reality is he probably won't.

I am not sure anyone will get what I am trying to say. I just want to move on, but it's hard when my h comes around telling me he loves me, going to C, sending me signals like I am most important in his life, but then WHY doesn't he really show it. If he wanted me he would be here. Plain and simple.

Snodderly if you are around could you give me some advice. You seem to understand me and my situation and I value what you have to say.

Thanks all for listening. I think I am hormonal too. My thoughts and feelings jump all over the place here.

[plentyhope]

glam, Since your H is severely depressed, he is in no position to help himself or you or the kids. He doesn't even care about himself, and can't even take care of himself right now - so how can he help you or the kids? It seems he has tried to help out around thehouse at times, when he's up to it. But right now, he's stopped his medication and he's in rebound. Stopping AD meds cold turkey pushes one back into depression. I have been there myself.

Please stop wishing he'd step up - because he can't right now due to his mental state now. You're only get to be disappointed by wishing he'd step up and be different. Try to not let his anger bother you. Remind yourself that his response is his responsibility and your response is your responsibility. A powerful paradigm shift.

May I suggest going to IC yourself and trying out EMDR therapy for your own emotional stuff? I think you'll find EMDR very effective and also enjoy it.

[job]

Glam,
I'm sorry you aren't feel well. I do hope you'll be up and about in a day or so.

About your h, maybe it's time to set firmer boundaries instead of his coming over all of the time or maybe you need to leave him at the house w/your children and you go out and have a "Glam" day every now and then.

You have to remember, your h is very depressed and they just don't snap out of it. It's a struggle for them each and every hour of the day just to try to make it. I had a thread here about 4 years ago on highly recommending reading materials. On the very first page of that thread, I listed some excellent books on depression and what transpires and how their wires are crossed, etc. You may want to try to find that thread and select a book or two to read up on depression. It really might help you to better understand what is going on. You also have to remember...men react to depression very differently from women.

If you really and truly think a move would be in the best interest for you and your family, maybe you should be thinking about it and planning for it. Work is scarce all over the country...would you be able to find a job in CA? A change of scenery would be good for you, but the issues would still be there concenrning your h. Any thought about visitation for the children? Glam, you need to sit down and make a list of pros and cons and what would need to be put in place for such a move.

You've got some time before you need to make any decisions, but just remember...you wouldn't throw your h away if he had cancer or a severe illness. Just because he's not exhibiting outwardly all of the symptoms of an illness....he is very, very depressed.

Take some time out this weekend for Glam. A good dose of sunshine and something else to focus on may help you a bit.

[Truelove]

Hi glamgirl,

I am sorry you are sick and not feeling well. - I can so much relate to how you feel about your sitch. (((HUGS)))

[naej]

Glam, I am so sorry this madness is making you ill.
I do understand your feelings and frustrations. You have been "working on this marriage" for a long time now and you have had your ups and downs before and bounced back.

I think you need to make a judgement for yourself and family based on you and your feelings.

To some it may seem that you want to throw in the towel (and nobody would blame or judge you if you did/do) because of your h's depression. I actually think it is maybe more than that.
I do think you really need to set firm boundaries for yourself.
You do need to have no expectations. Zero.
You maybe need no contact to give yourself a chance to evaluate your feelings from a distance.

I like the list idea for moving but I would also make a list as to the pros and cons of continuing in this limbo relationship against just moving ahead for yourself and family.

We know you love this man or the man he was but life does not stand still for us whilst they go off to lala land for 3/5/x years and then normal service is resumed, you then have the hardest bit so we are told of peicing, so that is alot of years and life.

No one can really help you make that decision, we all know people still waiting 10 years on, we all know people who seem to give up at the first hurdle, it really is an individual choice.
It seems like if it makes you ill then you are not really detached enough and I don't know how you can do that living as you do now with him coming by so frequently yet still full of anger and blaming at you.

One thing is certain is that you must take better care of you, are you sure this detox thing is helping your body? you could well be short of the natural vits and minerals your body needs to stay healthy and fight the stress in your life.
As you are the only responsible adult at present in your kids lives you must put yourself first.

So get that pen and paper out and do those lists. It helps also rid your brain of the overload.

Do please look after yourself Glam. This is your life not a dress rehersal.

[MidwesternGirl]

naej:

This is not a time for boundaries or thinking about ourselves.

This man, Glam's H has some very serious mental issues right now.

Speaking from personal experience, a close family member suffered from depression and would repeatedly stop taking their meds. It was awful as their behavior changed and they would space out amongst other things. The spouse of this depressed person had to go to court to obtain an order to have her hospitalized, start the meds again and get them regulated and have her monitored. It worked for awhile and then the same thing happened again and again, same results.

She is now given the meds in front of a family member and she is taking them everyday.

I think Glam's husband's problems now go beyond a mid-life crisis and is medical in nature.

[naej]

Well well, MWG.
I stand by my post. I am sorry to say but Glam has to take care of herself because if she gets sick and depressed or unable to work who is going to take care of her or her children.As far as I am aware Glam does not have a family member waiting in the wings to bail her out and even if she did it maynot be what she wants for her life.

We all know your views on boundaries but it does not suit everyone. MWD speaks of them and after all this is her site.
I am not sure how Glam's husbands depression suddenly became a serious mental health issue, as I am not a doctor I couldn't possible comment on that.

I am sorry to hear of your close family member,but at this stage I doubt Glam could or would want to have her h sectioned just to get him to take his tablets.

I am sure we all offer advice to Glam with the best of intentions and with the experience we all glean from our own situations.
Glam is more than capable of sifting through and applying what she thinks will help to her own situation.
I certainly would hate fo her to feel like she has to continue just to fly the flag for the standing fraternity.
We all walk our own path and I shall encouage her in whatever SHE chooses as I am sure all those who post to her will do.

[naej]

I did just want to clarify that by advocating setting boundaries (and I believe others have mentioned that to),I am in no way, shape or form suggesting Glam gives up on her marriage and files.
It was purely for her own health and well being.
Time for her to get well and strong and regroup as it were so she can then make her decisions in a healthy frame of mine.
We are constantly told to see what is working and what isn't.

Take care Glam hope the back's feeling better.

[MidwesternGirl]

I did not come here to hear about my stand on things BUT there are times and circumstances where one must remove the MLC label and go beyond that.

I know Glam has to take care of herself and rightfully so but if her husband is to one day regain some normalcy in thought and day to day living, I think medical attention is most important.

And yes, there are medical and legal professionals in my family so I am not pulling things from a hat.

"We are constantly told to see what is working and what isn't."

Says who--people, God? A lot goes on we do not see and still, God is in control.

And if God is in control then what difference does it make what boundaries one chooses to set if they choose to go this route?

Only Glam can choose how to deal with this, not you, me anyone else but she certainly has been given differing opinions/advice.

I posted about the relative as an example of what happened when someone chose to go off the meds on a continual basis and the ramifications of that.