I really need advice and support and some centering. The rollercoaster is taking its toll and it has only been weeks since the second confrontation.
Though I write this in a way that unfolds logically, I'm sure each of you can understand that the information did not come out in a logical, orderly, chronological manner which adds to the pain and confusion. Additionally, since MLC'ers lie, some of the info may not be deadly accurate. Let’s call all of this "the standard disclaimer."
The 3/31/09 "second confrontation" in my previous latest post exposed the ongoing nature of the EA and that it had escalated to in-person meetings and talking about their relationship. H said these were lunch dates in public places but I know by a text message on his phone that at least one of these was well past the lunch hour. Since my exposing the first bomb, H has been more attentive to me and the family so I was really knocked down by the ongoing EA after H saying he cut off contact.
On the night of 04/01/2009, H entered my separate sleeping quarters, fell into my arms and sobbed. This was the first touching in four weeks. During the remainder of that work week, his old workplace was a-buzz with the gossip. Our mutual long-term friends in the workplace took him to task in well-written but no bones minced emails after H tried to do "damage control" (remember he was the golden shining leader at the previous workplace)--for himself and OW and in some misguided attempt to protect me from embarrassment (people reaching out to me were told to MYOB). These were very hard days for H. He looked like shee-ite. He continues to be sick all the time as well as muscle and head aches.
The story filled in only recently was that OW was successfully escalating H's attentiveness by sleeping with a previous boyfriend/mutual friend (same workplace) one week, breaking up with said man (again) the next week, causing said man (the computer guy at the former workplace) to super-sleuth electronically that the reason for his misery was H. This allowed OW to "break open" the EA details at the old workplace. H realizes that she manipulated this exposure.
For the first two solid weeks after the 04/01 confrontation, H was loving and attentive. Said ILY, cried a lot, sobbed when he saw my ring back on at counseling, wants me in our bed, and to carry essentially a better relationship than we've had for a while before the bomb. He is adamant about ongoing MC (still don't know how to DB and MC at the same time--they seem mutually exclusive). There has been no commitment to end A as H said he made what turned out to be a hollow promise earlier. He revealed at counseling that he made an internal commitment to not see her in person until "he decides what to do" but he continues with chat/email/phone multiple times/day. She is getting demanding about him visiting her--I think he plays "busy." H does not tell her about our recovering closeness, ongoing work on the relationship, sexual contact, etc. He acknowledges verbally but does not comprehend the idea of a "triangle." H thinks he has two different relationships and he will lose (himself) if he chooses either one. However, his actions continually choose me and a future with me--his mouth, not as much.
In the third week after the confrontation, there is a sense of him slipping away. Not to her, but to the "discontent" and unhappiness. He still goes through the motions, there are flashes of true connection, but the anger and frustration at his lot in life comes back. I know he believes it is him, but I think he becomes especially vulnerable to escalating with her again to avoid the ugly feelings. This gives me lots of anxiety.
The DB distancing doesn't seem to work with H. To him, I think it registers as more of the same--"separate lives." He desperately wants to be close to me but can't. This turns into a dynamic of me continuing to be responsible for his emotions or saving him. The MC exacerbates this. It's like we are reconciling at his insistence but he can't actually change his behavior that much yet. It's hard to describe this dynamic. I saw on another post that it is like the sane part of him is clinging to me as his only hope. I feel him clawing back to me--but then anxiety and common sense slap me around.
Add to this that he is wildly Passive Aggressive and very successful in business on the basis of G--d given leadership abilities--wow, my head hurts.
