The fact of the matter is that your W did not do what it takes to help reconcile the M -- based on your own account of it, I'd go even further to say that she didn't even really try.
Okay, so the A was two years ago now, and likewise there is no evidence she backslid in the time since. But the A did indeed mortally wound your M -- and your W has done very little but allow it to die a slow, painful death. She put all the onus on you, instead. In other words, your M has been in ICU all this time, but your W has obviously already given up on it and has done nothing but lip service to really help it recover.
I don't relish appearing to bash your W, but at the same time I'm not one to sugar-coat how I see things. And I don't think you should sugar-coat the facts for your children either. I agree that one should maintain and promote respect for the other spouse, at least outwardly, for the children's sake, but not to the degree that it would present a false impression and a poor example to them. Better that they know as much of the truth as they can handle for their ages, rather than deceive them now, as too many WAS's are want to do, only to have the truth come out someday later to bite the both of you and your children.
I guess I don't really see the benefit to not only letting the WAS off the hook, but to also giving the false impression that the LBS is a willing accomplice to knifing the marriage.
