Seems like I'm caught up in your trap again Seems like I'll be wearin' the same old chains Good will conquer evil and the truth will set me free And I know someday I will find the key I know somewhere I will find the key Seems like I've been playing your game way too long Seems the game I've played has made you strong When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser I know someday I'll walk out of here again And I know that someday I'll walk out of here again
Well now I'm Trapped Ooh yeah Trapped Ooh yeah Trapped
Seems like I've been sleeping in your bed too long Seems like you've been meaning to do me harm But I'll teach my eyes to see beyond these walls in front of me Someday I'll walk out of here again Someday I'll walk out of here again
Because of EVERYTHING. 20 years of very little effort at meeting my primary needs is quite enough, even WITHOUT the affair, don't you think?
And "JUST" the affair would also be enough.
But combined????
Throw in the fact that I just don't know who she is anymore, this woman who sits around watching plastic surgery shows as "The Cougar" on TV, coloring her every every four days, and you have a man who's reached the end of what was once his very long rope.
You obviously have made up your mind--you have a right, even in God's eyes. Affairs are a very hard thing to get over, and you tried, despite all the other things. Just try to take care of yourself and your kids, keep a positive perspective on things, and move on with your life. Who knows what great things are in store for you!
The fact of the matter is that your W did not do what it takes to help reconcile the M -- based on your own account of it, I'd go even further to say that she didn't even really try.
Okay, so the A was two years ago now, and likewise there is no evidence she backslid in the time since. But the A did indeed mortally wound your M -- and your W has done very little but allow it to die a slow, painful death. She put all the onus on you, instead. In other words, your M has been in ICU all this time, but your W has obviously already given up on it and has done nothing but lip service to really help it recover.
I don't relish appearing to bash your W, but at the same time I'm not one to sugar-coat how I see things. And I don't think you should sugar-coat the facts for your children either. I agree that one should maintain and promote respect for the other spouse, at least outwardly, for the children's sake, but not to the degree that it would present a false impression and a poor example to them. Better that they know as much of the truth as they can handle for their ages, rather than deceive them now, as too many WAS's are want to do, only to have the truth come out someday later to bite the both of you and your children.
I guess I don't really see the benefit to not only letting the WAS off the hook, but to also giving the false impression that the LBS is a willing accomplice to knifing the marriage.
Sometimes it's not what our spouses do, like the affairs that are almost part of every situation on these boards. IMO, the biggest damage is done from what they choose NOT to do in the context of the marriage once all is out and action must be taken to ever have a chance to make it. It all comes down to commitment. And no one can base a life on just hopes and wishful thinking when reality is too clear to ignore.
We should all try to lead our children by our actions and example and trust that what we have taught them, will allow them to make the right choices when their turn comes. And during the break up of a marriage we are watched even more closely. Kids -young adults even more- IMHO are strict but fair judges. No need to underestimate our kids and their ability to know right from wrong if we have done a good job raising them. Leaving a marriage could give the wrong example, staying in a "empty" (didnt know what better word to use) marriage, will definitely give the wrong message. Stay strong Puppy. K
There is the conversation you both have together with the kids, and that is one specific occurance. In time, the kids will likely barely remember what the actual words you said were. They will instead remember their own pain and sadness and however they *felt* at that moment. What you say will drift in one ear and out the other, and the only word that will matter is "divorce".
But then there are the weeks and months that follow....as your children get used to the idea, they begin to piece it together for themselves. They go through their own stages of fear, grief, denial, anger, etc.
Over time, they will begin to ask you questions about things. This is how they piece it together. They will covertly ask you both the same question at different times and then size up your answers for themselves.
Don't be surprised if they are actually mad at you BOTH at some point. They will feel cheated out of their family without their consent, and they won't care who was the "better person" or "better parent". All they will know is that the choice was yours and not theirs and they will believe that somehow you could have chosen differently for their sakes.
But this stage usually passes pretty quickly and is over before you know it. You will know when its over when they start to talk differently, with resolve instead of fear and pain. They will then begin to accept it and "get it". After this phase is when they will then really start to review the events leading up to the divorce....
Then of course, as adults, they will remember things like mom always watching that stupid show "The Cougar" while dad was there playing cards or baseball with us (or fill in the blanks with your own details). Then they will examine what "The Courgar" was about and realize what this means about mom's pysche. Then they will examine family pictures, and they will *see* new truths there, too. If mom was always leathery-tanned and too skinny and wearing revealing clothing, they will eventually understand and piece all of this together for themselves.....
But all divorcing parents should be prepared for how difficult this is really going to be. Not just one event, like the day you tell them, but the whole process, the years that follow, the holidays that are split between households, etc.
And in the end, (Puppy please don't take this wrong), but BOTH parents ALWAYS contributed to the demise of the marriage when it ends in divorce, and the kids know this instinctively. But some parents actually expect their children to "side" with them, the "good" parent, and be "against" the "bad" parent. This is not only unhealthy, but it is very unfair to the children. The children have their own feelings and thoughts on how this affects them, and unfortuatnely, it is only about *them* and *their feelings* in their minds. They are not capable, nor should they be expected to, defend you or take your side...regardless of the circumstances.
THAT will happen later after many years of reflection. It will not happen while they are going through it.
