Lets say you were alone in the world. Did you ever see the movie with Tom Hanks where he is stuck on an island for years all alone? Sure, he freaked out for a while but eventually he taught himself how to survive with what was available to him. He made a "friend" out of a volleyball! Certainly you have more resources available to you than a volleyball, right?
That is one great analogy...Plus that last sentence cracked me up for some reason.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Geez antlers. You sound as bad as me. Pull yourself together man. You have a good career. Probably a house and probably some retirement saving.
Do you have kids? If so, they need you to be strong for them.
You are far better off than others. One of my biggest worries is money ans a house now and I have no retirement.
You are going to be ok. Enjoy your kids if you have them. Go to meetup.com go to church. Read the bible. Pray and trust in God. Seek friends. Find a hobby you will like.
I like scooters. I'm going to look more into them and scooter groups. Be positive in front of your wife and confident even when you hurt the most.
Cry in private not in front of her.
Get a grip. You have a lot in place for you. Work out. Read DBing and DR.
Be the better option at all time. If w wants more money, that's beyond our control right now. But we can be everything else.
You will be ok. Go get some meds.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
If it is helping you then I don't mind. Everyone needs support and help in this.
I couldn't be more thankful for this sight and everyone on it.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Geez antlers. You sound as bad as me. Pull yourself together man. You have a good career. Probably a house and probably some retirement saving.
So a house and retirement savings is what helps one find internal happiness as a human being? Those are "things" and yes, they can offer you stability but at your core they arent what one needs to be happy, complete and whole as a person.
Do you have kids? If so, they need you to be strong for them.
Part of being strong is to be positive and the other part is being able to make and execute plans.
You are far better off than others. One of my biggest worries is money ans a house now and I have no retirement.
You have identified your worries. What is your plan to tackle those worries? Have you created a budget to begin to save so your "worries" become "goals" and eventually a reality?
You are going to be ok. Enjoy your kids if you have them. Go to meetup.com go to church. Read the bible. Pray and trust in God. Seek friends. Find a hobby you will like.
All good suggestions that we all should be doing if we are in a stable marriage or not.
Get a grip. You have a lot in place for you. Work out. Read DBing and DR.
Be the better option at all time. If w wants more money, that's beyond our control right now. But we can be everything else.
You will be ok. Go get some meds.
I truly hope you follow your own advice. I really do hope that for you more than anything.
I have to admit, its frustrating when you gloss over all that is being posted to you. And I hope you plan to create and post some solid goals soon.
Its easier to give advice than take it. I spent an hour talking to a lady friend last night who has been in a relationship for 3 years that has turned into him using her. She isn't married to him. I gave her all kinds of advice to help and try and move on.
I'm at home with my girls tonite. That is nice. I have a list of things to do here that was left for me to take care of this weekend.
I was looking at BA certifications today and talked to someone at villanova university. The cost is $5,300. I don't have it right now as they would want $1,200 in May. It would be for a master certificate of completion. You can't actually take the real certification test until you have been a BA for 5 years which I don't quite have that. Maybe a year or 2 of actual BA work. Its a little frusturating. Trying to debate if it is worth it right now. If it got me a real BA job in SDLC, then it would be totally worth it. But will it?
Goals at the moment are to get moved into my new place, do a good job at my job, and try and continue to look for a real BA position.
Personal goals. The usual, leave W alone. Be a great dad. Figure out how to put a future in place. Get W back some how some time. Heal my family and never return to the old Kevin again. At some point meet people I guess.
I need to break myself of this emotional attachment. Like Antlers says, until I can do that, its hard to enjoy much else. I still have alot of worries. This is a contracting position right now.
More goals, continuing to not cry in front of my kids. Stop trying to analyze the situation to death. Figure out how to move my career forward while still trying to obtain a life.
I wish I could date. But I can't bring myself to do it. I just have a real moral issue with it.
My kids were glad to see me. I was glad to see them also. I'm tired today. The drive to the house was so short compared to what I have been driving from where I live. That was nice having the short drive today.
What do you do for a living CityGirl? Just curious.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
It is much easier to give advice than to take it.. no doubt about that! Part of the reason I keep posting to you in such a vehement fashion is because I can feel your pain coming through the computer screen and it takes me back to where I was not that long ago. And many wise people who had been through a similar experience (being left and enduring an affair) tried up and down with great effort to get me thinking in a new direction. And for a long time I didnt listen, I blew them off, I figuerd I knew better and I was *certain* if I waited long enough my H would come back. He never did and he has no plans to.
Once I decided to at least try and heal myself and make some sort of life for myself I thought it was so hard I was going to die. In those early days my list was so basic it was ridiculous. It went somthing like this:
Wake up. Make coffee. Brush teeth. Walk dog. While walking dog think of one positive thought. Feed dog.
That is how bad of shape I was in. As I said before early on I was having such severe panic attacks I was afraid to go outside or drive. The situation became very severe and on top of all of that I was dealing with a very serious physical health issue.
So when I say I know what it feels like to be at the absolute bottom of the pit, I mean it. Things were so bad for me that I couldnt even remember when I had taken a shower over the course of a week. It's not easy to share things like that on a public forum but maybe it will help you see that you are not alone.
For me it was even worse because I am self employed (I do business planning & research for small companies) and I work in a home office so by nature, its isolating. I didnt have an outside job to go to each day that would force me to get out of the house or even get dressed!
The only place I felt safe being was home or at my sisters house. I fell into a terrible depression. I have a mailbox in the basement of my building and one day the mail lady knocked on my door because I had not picked up my mail in close to a month and I didnt even realize it.
I could go on and on but you get the picture. I was the poster child for the absolute lowest of the low.
I still have miles and miles of personal self improvement and work to do. I still struggle with detaching and acceptance. I still feel very sad but I know that I will be okay even if divorce was not what I ever wanted.
