My H is a monumental sulker. Has been from before we got married some 17 years ago.He`s go off in a mood for no apparent reason and while in those moods could get very angry to the point that I have been afraid that he would hit me.
I realised last summer that blaming me and sulking was part of his armoury against me. And I in turn would get very angry at him or pleading and whining which led to a further cycle of blame/anger from him.
But in the past two years things have deteriorated rapidly. He became increasingly withdrawn concerned about his looks, pointing out ways I could improve/was lacking. He also bought a whole new wardrobe of expensive clothes and had a fling(kissing and sending sexually eplicit texts) to a girl in his office. He`s still working with her. He told me last summer he dodn`t know whether he loved me enough or not.
All hallmarks, I`ve just realised of MLC.
Last October I challenged him on a proposed weekend away he was taking(without me or our three kids) He exploded out of his chair and challenged me- and within earshot of our boys- to a boxing match!
I took him to court for a safety order but later withdrew it as I was convinced by his attempts at IC that he was trying to change.
We`ve been living separately in the same house since last OCt. He refuses to leave and I don`t want to take the kids from the family home. Plus, having read MWD I`m still hoping we can salvage the marriage. Somehow.I don`t do his laundry or dinners anymore. We both work full time outside the home anyway and its a real 180 for me not to do everything around here.
In lots of ways I`ve used this time to make me happy. I feel this time has been sent for my learning and, in lots of ways detached myself from H and his issues. The kids are happy. There is little tension in the house.I have lots of friends and hobbies. I also remember happier times for us as a family and see that we could use this chance to change this marriage for the better.I knw my H is in a lot of pain. Had a wifebeating alcoholic as a father and I suspect has a lot of supressed anger because of this.
Like most problems I suppose ours is complex. But I`ve gotten a huge boost in realising that H`s troubles are mainly MLC related(DO you think I`m right about that) and could be solved given lots of time and the right actions by me.
Since realising the MLC issue 2 weeks ago, I`ve been very calm around H. No confrontation, no begging no anger just me being happy and busy.
But he`s getting sulkier. Barely speaks now. I feel like I`m trying to turn the Titanic around single handedly before it hits the iceberg.
Thoughts and tips much appreciated
Fallgirl Me:46 H:46 MLC?
Kids:13,11,8
A:April 2007. I don`t think he`s there anymore. Not sure though.
Resources at the top, have you checked them out? Great place to start.
For me the hallmark of MLC is the confusion, stay or go, that type of stuff. It is up to you to determine it however. None of us are professionals here, but many of us have spent time in the trenches.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Having a live-in is one of the toughest things you will ever do. Reading the resources is a must. You will need to be twice as understanding while finding your balance of what you can and cannot tolerate for you and the kids.
Really understand what path he is on, as well as the path that YOU need to be on . It really does help YOU.
Don't try to figure out if it is MLC or not...cause ultimately, it doesn't matter. What matters is the way YOU do the things for you through this. Think of it as a two-for-one special at the store. He is going through things to find....whatever, but you do as well. It is a great gift to give that AND receive that too.
I am trying to understand what path H is on but doesn`t that mean having to figure whether he`s going through mid life crisis or not?
I think I`m doing 180 too-at least in the sense of acting the opposite to what he`d expect-I`m happy,relaxed (and genuinely so) instead of being angry and tense as I would have been before. But I may have to review that as he`s more withdrawn, if anything.
What resources are you referring too? I really want to get my hands on all I can interms of improving my strategy, and making the most of this situation.
I`d love to know too, if there`s anyone out there willing to share their exeperience of turning things around while living separately in the same house.
I`d been out to dinner with a few girlfriends and thoroughly enjoyed myself. The kids were in bed when I got home-as was H. I couldn`t help thinking of all my gfs going home to their welcoming husbands while I just have this great big lonely gap. Yeah, self pity, saddo moment I shouldn`t have indulged in I know. But damn, its so so hard not to at times especially when I lose hope of getting a solution to this.
I`d love to know too, if there`s anyone out there willing to share their exeperience of turning things around while living separately in the same house.
My H never completely moved out of the house, he's slept on the couch for over 4 years. I've not really turned anything around, and I can't push him out or pull him back in. Trying only causes more frustration for me and defensiveness for H. Of course living with H is frustrating also!
Watch those 180's, be authentic and don't try tricks.
The best thing that has worked for me is moving forward with my life while leaving room for him to come with me. You might think they aren't watching, but they are.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Secondly, Whether or not it is an MLC, doesn't let you or anyone else off the hook for looking in the mirror. YOU still have to do the work to be able to feel comfortable with your own reflection.
A crisis is a crisis FG, It can happen at any point in one's life. My thoughts on that are any confusion over this being done, and similar actions as others have experienced. Most Walk-aways are done....over....and out. There is NO confusing actions and the truth is more previlant.
I have lived the last 19 months with a live in, and from my experience, strength and patience is a must. As well as a Deaf ear and one blind eye. You will be witness to things that will astonish you that the person you love with all of your heart could possibly do those things. But then you will realize that that person is really out to lunch at the moment, and it is NOT a conscious effort on their behalf.
It will make detaching quite a bit harder, and when you do, you will still "notice" things while you are not necessarily dwelling on them. Can you survive this ?
The answer is yes......YOU can survive this, and maybe, just maybe with a little luck, long looks into the mirror, and grace from God......your marriage may as well.
There are no guaruntees in this, only that YOU will come out of this stronger, wiser, and better adjusted for your next relationship. And that MAY just be with your husband.
Don't be afraid to post to others and build a reltionship with others in a similar situation as yours. You can also go through the MLC archives at the bottom of the page. Dig up some of J3B, and BND, AmyC......any of those....Good reading too.....
I think the resources they were talking about can be found in the forum list. Go to the bottom of the list to 'archives of mid-life..'. Start reading those threads/posts. There are links within some of them to other resources: The stages of MLC..etc. Those are what I found the most helpful in identifying that my H was going through MLC. Hope that helps!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
The best thing that has worked for me is moving forward with my life while leaving room for him to come with me. You might think they aren't watching, but they are.
Couldn't put it any better W......yes they are watching, more than we are watching them......
