Minimal is the key word, and no, that wasn't enough. From what I gather she could have done all of those things even while having an affair for as much real effort she put into it. She ended the affair because you made her, the counseling was "going through the motions, Retro was never revisited the moment she left the hotel.
I understand where you are coming from. 20 years is an amazing feat. But, the love didn't disappear. She made a huge mistake by having an affair, and didn't do the work to repair the marriage afterwards. You read the books, did she? You poured over real life people going through the same thing (DB forum), surrounded yourself with pro marriage people, did she? You are a praying man, who has a relationship with God, does she? If your wife wanted to do the work that is needed right now, would you keep trying? My guess is the answer is yes, and that right there tells you that it is NOT a mutual decision. She stopped trying, she never tried, and that is why the marriage is ending.
Forgive me if this is coming across harsh. She is still your wife and is the mother of your beautiful children. I don't think less of her, she is human. I'm just saying the marriage did not just end, she didn't do the work to repair. It's a fact.
