"What is beautiful becomes ugly, what is horrific becomes attractive. Right becomes oppression and Wrong becomes liberation."
That is such a true saying. It is so dangerous to give satan a hold in our lives. All he needs is one toe in our hearts and the rest can easily be his.
What a beautiful and powerful lesson of example, Hoozh. Thanks for that.
We haven't yet scripted out our talk with our kids, but we'll be telling them that the reason our marriage ended is because their mother and I love each other, but not in the way a husband and wife should, and that we've tried for several years, but couldn't make it work.
"..the reason our marriage ended is because their mother and I love each other, but not in the way a husband and wife should, and that we've tried for several years, but couldn't make it work."
When I thought my H and I would divorce, and when I wanted to justify it, that is EXACTLY what I wanted my H to say.
I don't think your wife HAS tried, has she? I know she wants to make this all "nice", and I know you are ready after all of this time to end this well, but if the kids know that the marriage could have been saved if BOTH of you tried what needed to be tried, then they won't get the wrong implication from that statement.
I'm afraid I have to second whatdidido's sentiments. I get it--this is very difficult and you certainly don't want to turn your kids against your W, nor do you want her as an enemy, but you really should make her fess up to the destruction she's brought upon your family. Otherwise, you're sending the wrong message to your kids, namely that a divorce is OK and acceptable to the Lord if mom and dad are no longer "in love." Would you take her back if she was interested in reconciling? Do your kids know about the affair? If they do, and you won't take her back, then you should feel free to tell them that the marriage could not survive the affair. Don't water things down for her sake.
I know what you're saying, but there's not much else I can do. Had this ended two years ago, it would have been because of her affair, and my three oldest children would have known that, been TOLD that, and the youngest would have been told eventually.
Had she not ended her affair, that would be one thing.
Had she not gone to counseling, that would be another.
Had she not gone to Retro, that would be another.
But she ended her affair, remained by all evidence (and I did continue to check) a "good girl" for those two years, went to a few MC sessions with me, went to Retro with me, cooked my dinners, did my laundry, and made all the minimal outwardly-apparent efforts.
So what am I supposed to say, that "Yeah, but it wasn't ENOUGH???
Besides, at this point, I want out too. 20 years of a sex-starved marriage is quite enough.
Minimal is the key word, and no, that wasn't enough. From what I gather she could have done all of those things even while having an affair for as much real effort she put into it. She ended the affair because you made her, the counseling was "going through the motions, Retro was never revisited the moment she left the hotel.
I understand where you are coming from. 20 years is an amazing feat. But, the love didn't disappear. She made a huge mistake by having an affair, and didn't do the work to repair the marriage afterwards. You read the books, did she? You poured over real life people going through the same thing (DB forum), surrounded yourself with pro marriage people, did she? You are a praying man, who has a relationship with God, does she? If your wife wanted to do the work that is needed right now, would you keep trying? My guess is the answer is yes, and that right there tells you that it is NOT a mutual decision. She stopped trying, she never tried, and that is why the marriage is ending.
Forgive me if this is coming across harsh. She is still your wife and is the mother of your beautiful children. I don't think less of her, she is human. I'm just saying the marriage did not just end, she didn't do the work to repair. It's a fact.
Its been my experience that no matter what you tell the children, they will *realize* what *really happened* in their own time, usually after they become adults themselves and can reflect upon their childhood and your parenting. They will remember the *reality* of it later when they are grown.
Its been my experience that no matter what you tell the children, they will *realize* what *really happened* in their own time, usually after they become adults themselves and can reflect upon their childhood and your parenting. They will remember the *reality* of it later when they are grown.
DQ
Yep -- I agree. And I will allow them to believe it.
There's a great old Southern saying: you always have to tell the truth, but you don't always have to go around tellin' it.
