You know I just realized I transfered my constant checking-in from my w to this board. Does that mean I need to wait for the forum to contact me next time? ;()
I also feel for what you are saying in that it is harder for spouse to see changes you are making when separated. I also am trying to negotiate this. So you have to make the best of the time you do have or see your spouse. Make sure to be positive, upbeat and not bring up any R talk. I am trying to work on this myself and it is hard but hopefully will get easier. Also what blueheart said about being the first to leave or end the contact is important and really difficult(for me anyway). So try to do that and see how it goes. I havent been able to do that yet but it is def a goal for next time I do see H.
Dont worry about checking in with the board! I find that when I am feeling worse I am reading or checking on here more. And the reading usually helps me feel better or get new ideas/support. Also it doesn't matter how often you check on here if it is keeping you from contacting W when you are trying not to!
GAL activities help tho too. You will feel better if you are busy. Have you started any of these?
cb
Last edited by hopeful_cb; 04/22/0907:14 PM.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Well I'm going to the gym more. For a while there my back went out on me, but it seems to be manageable enough now. So I will be hitting the gym this evening. I'm also looking to get back into performing. And I'm trying to say yes to all social invitations from friends and family (I was a huge "no" guy before).
On the whole ending the conversation first it is a really good point. The last two times we spoke on the phone my w. was really friendly and then ended the call abruptly (really actually rudely). I am starting to think it was not a coincidence. Is that her showing dominance? That's my best guess. I will have to work on ending the conversation sooner. It will be quite a challenge this weekend when we are supposed to be spending all day Saturday and Sunday working on the house.
I do have to stop spending so much time on the board. It is great to read the stories and feel the support, but I am at work and really need to start getting better about working again.
ah yes I see, not so great when distracting you from work! Try n stay focused there. Looks like you are coming along with the GAL activities. Keep up the good work.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I am sure others have this issue, but I really feel like I can't see the forest for the trees in my situation. Sometimes I feel like I was a distant, selfish spouse and my w just got fed up. And then there are times when I am just convinced that no man could have kept my w together and that she had a self-destructive streak that was going to over-power everything at some point. I mean I read through the posts on this site (and I know this is not the most productive perspective) but I generally feel like there are three groups here: people married to jerks, people who have been jerks, and people with broken relationships that need better communication. And I really don't know which category to put my marriage into. And then you add in the fact that there is a medical component to this with my undiagnosed condition, and I really feel like I don't know how to behave or how to think.
So my w. just called me at work. She had a flat tire in our garage. I tried to talk her through changing it, but it got stuck. In the meantime she kept asking me about my "date" on friday night. I told her firmly that I was not dating. She got a bit defensive and said she was "just trying to make conversation."
I drove 45 minutes from work, hit the tire with a baseball bat, and changed it. I just kissed the kids and kept moving. She called on my drive back to work to give me the outrageous price that it is going to cost to get two new tires. I told her no problem just get the new tires. She apologized profusely as she keeps having car expenses and I think she feels guilty for the amount of money we are pouring into her car before we get D. I told her not to worry about it. I think I did a pretty good job from a db perspective. At least externally.
Now I am second guessing myself. Maybe I shouldn't have rushed home to fix the problem. Thing is, she has my kids and they need to be able to get places. But did I just shore up her belief that she can get the best parts of me "steady and reliable and writing the checks" even after divorcing me? Aarggh
When deciding if paying/helping W is important for the kids sake I think about if I don't do it what will the effect on the kids actually be. Will it be the end of the world if they are late to something? Unless you are going to keep "helping" her forever she will have to learn to handle things on her own. Don't wait for the divorce for her to see how much she really appreciated you because you aren't there to do things for her.
Make sure to check yourself that you aren't using the kids need this as an excuse to save her with the hope that she will appreciate you because most of the time you will be disappointed.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
On the other hand (it's ok to babble in here right?) When my back went out on me the other day she drove 45 minutes to bring me meds and to hang out until I could get back on my feet. So to a certain extent this is reciprocal.
I tell you what I could sure use some feedback please.
(and btw I have been calling counselors for a couple of days trying to get an appointment. I know I need to talk about this with someone outside of this forum, but I am trying like hell to avoid talking to friends and family).
