It's Complicated! Part 6

[glamgirl]

Sick today, can't even go to work. I am at a loss as to what to do with my life. I am seriously conemplating packing it up and moving back to CA to start fresh.

I am asking myself, what is here for me? I don't have a support system here for the kids. Meaning in CA I would have relatives that could help. I would like to think I could stay here with the support of h, but as we can see that is not happening. I don't really like my job.

I spent 3 years of my life trying to make this M work, and nothing has transpired. All he ever does is walk around and blame me. Never does he get honest with himself and look deep and say look at what I have done to others and Glam. I know he isn't solely to blame, but if he wouldn't have been sneeking around and being dishonest we wouldn't be living apart today.

It's always me that threw him under the bus or I was the one that trampled his image. It is such a distorted way of thinking. Like the taxes, why can't he just say Glam you have every right to file separatly. I don't live in the house and support you and I didn't respond when you asked for my help you did what YOU needed to do. I am sorry I didn't communicate, but I will suffer the consequences for my lack of actions.

I am at a loss as to how he cannot accept responsibility for his actions. It just floors me. Does he not see it? Will he ever see it? Does he really not see it or is it just an excuse to continue to blame me?

I am sorry if I sound like such a broken record. It's just that I really wanted this M to work, but am now realizing I am probably with someone that really doesn't want to piece it back together. Now when I approach h with these things, he says there you go again Glam putting words in my mouth. I didn't say that. See you don't listen. Why should I bother. That's why I can't move home. I was making progress and now you do this. You see the cycle goes round and round and round we go.

The way I see it, if someone had the desire drive and ambition to make it work, they would throw all excuses aside and make it work and not allow blame or excuses to get in the way. I don't feel you need to baby step your way back into anything. If you want it bad enough you will make the effort. So as you can see, my thoughts are that my h really doesn't want this, but makes an allusion that he does and strings me along like we are a family or something making me think he will be back, but reality is he probably won't.

I am not sure anyone will get what I am trying to say. I just want to move on, but it's hard when my h comes around telling me he loves me, going to C, sending me signals like I am most important in his life, but then WHY doesn't he really show it. If he wanted me he would be here. Plain and simple.

Snodderly if you are around could you give me some advice. You seem to understand me and my situation and I value what you have to say.

Thanks all for listening. I think I am hormonal too. My thoughts and feelings jump all over the place here.