Maybe it does go against DB. I don't know how you're supposed to handle this critical point. I'm just feeling your pain this morning and I'm being reactive.
You've been doing everything so beautifully. I certainly don't want to mess you up.
Ultimatums are NOT against DB. There is a part in DR I believe called "after the last resort", which talks about ultimatums.
It just says that an ultimatum is just that--the last resort beyond all last resorts. You have to know when you do it that it could go either way and be prepared for that. If you give an ultimatum and then you gave or backpedal, you have lost all credibility with your spouse...
I believe the ultimatum will be coming in your transfer, then the choice is hers whether or not she follows you, is this not coming up soon? So, I would give her compassion and support right now, and then when you are ready to be transferred, give the ultimatum then on how you expect her to be, if she wants to be part of the family.
By the way, I think you are doing great, that whole you need help conversation reminding me of my blow up at my wife, when she was talking the "crazies".
By the way, I think you are doing great, that whole you need help conversation reminding me of my blow up at my wife, when she was talking the "crazies".
I believe the ultimatum will be coming in your transfer, then the choice is hers whether or not she follows you, is this not coming up soon?
Ok, I hear you but the transfer is not a definate at this point. I will find something out on May 7th. If I don't get promoted then I will more than likely remain here. Let's supposed I don't get orders--that kind of complicates things, does it not?
I hear you on the rest. At this point though, based on the way she's acting, I just don't know.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
By the way, I think you are doing great, that whole you need help conversation reminding me of my blow up at my wife, when she was talking the "crazies".
Thank you very much for the compliment. I honestly think I'm losing it though. This has been the most tramatic, trying time in my life! If my wife does not comply then it's going to get ugly oh so fast. I've played the scenario out in my head so many times. I'll keep hoping and praying that she does the right thing. I really feel that she is insane at this point though--I mean, how many people in this world would get the offer I gave her?
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Well... She's already considered the idea of losing you forever in the past, when she decided to cheat. There is something missing for her in being faithful to your OLD marriage. That's why you have to show her that it will be a fresh, new marriage with a very bright future. (I think that's why she wants a wedding - a new beginning to something a bit different than she experienced with you in the past.)
It's not just come "home" (likely boring for a girl who wants the fantasy like your W), it's come to the even better man I am now and have all of your dreams.
All of this negotiation, talk, and promises probably aren't exciting enough to close the deal for her. She might be afraid of living numb in a less-than-satisfying life.
All you can do is be the great guy you are and work on yourself (reading, self care, GAL, etc.) Offering her a better life, a better marriage with work and dedication to improving things to make her happy is the perfect gift. She has to believe it, I suppose.
Wow, how many times did I ask my wife, "Who the hell are you?, it was the most truamatic time in my life as well. But the way to get the results that you want is to remain the uncrazy one. And you admitted that it is driving you crazy, so you must remain calm and calculating.
As far as the transfer goes, can you request one rather or not you make rank, or would that hurt your chances after May 7th.
Maybe look into the beach ceremony, like give her a brochure of someone that does this, like some kinda wedding planner, with another brochure of a kick ass honeymoon. That would show her that you are serious, of course she has to become serious before you actually go through with it.
Lucky, What you say makes sense. We talked a lot about what we wanted out of the future together last night. I have made significant steps in the GAL area. The things that are really bothering me right now are: The fact that she is not home right now and has possible inclination for purposeful interaction w/ OM or possible interaction from OM due to him contacting her--either way--bad news.
The fact that she's comparing me to OM and telling me about it and then asking her friends about who's better--way insane considering that it would be short-term w/ OM and lose me and her family for that matter FOREVER!!!!
The fact that I told her that I would forgive her if she would come home right now and work on our marriage and she has to think about it!!!!
My patience is wearing very, very, very thin at this point and while I do have compassion for my wife I don't like the fact that I have basically thrown my heart out again and am watching it get stomped on yet again.
Bottom line, she needs to make a decision soon.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
