Today has been going fine. D1 continued her walking by herself yesterday and promptly fell into something and has a mark on her forehead.
This morning she was a bit tired acting, and just wanted me to hold her so I did. She just sighed and rested her head on my shoulder.
I have mixed emotions... started posting on a BPD support forum as well to discuss some PD related issues. Trying to integrate SET communication (Support/Empathy/Truth) so I can be 'heard' when I discuss things with W, because right now she disconnects whenever I start discussing anything 'real.'
On the one hand I'm fighting my urge to "save" the woman who doesn't want to be saved and my urge to fight like hell through the D in order to prevent there from being future manipulation attempts through the court system - something SPLITTING recommends.
Read some more websites, and re-read "I hate you - don't leave me" and found an example (written in 1980) that describes my situation to a T. Woman has a baby, her father dies 5 months later, she starts multiple A's, same background/family history as my W - almost eerie the exact similarities in the details I'm handling, i.e. baby in May 2008, death of FIL in Sep 2008, A starting around the same time, etc.
Based on reading, I have a dilemma, where by "going dark" I am in essence being cut off emotionally and W's abandonment triggers have been fired (the initial allegations/angry reactions/control of D1). Currently my low-contact of text-messaging about D1, etc. keeps us in the playground of the sane, and should help me in minimizing her attempts to escalate the D through more and larger allegations - which will occur as she gets "painted black" through the proceedings.
This will guarantee a D unless her A collapses abruptly (likely as OM disappoints) - at which point she either moves onto someone else or attempts to "hoover" me back. Both possible scenarios I am considering - both unhealthy in the sense that if she comes to me professing remorse, apologies, etc. - I can only trust that if she goes into long-term therapy and shows actual drive to improve herself - otherwise I'm holding out hope for nothing.
On the flip-side, attempts to salvage my M could require me initiating contact, "proving" that I'm not abandoning her, establishing a healthy relationship, and handling her abuse without judgment until she decides on her own to get therapy. This runs the risk of further "acting out" behaviors that could put me at further jeopardy in the D if she makes up something wild.
So from a practical standpoint, I've got to focus on the D and hope that W approaches me and is receptive to the idea of going into therapy.
Seems like I have a better chance flying to the moon and back strapped to a banana.
Realistically I think it is going to be a slow process of Gestalt conditioning of rewarding good behaviors and setting boundaries and enforcing consequences for bad behaviors.
Not a healthy relationship in other words.
Married people shouldn't have to relate to each other like this.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
