Gyps, as usual, you put words to how I feel. I haven't been on in a while, just trying to settle, to live. I missed the invite earlier this month; sorry about that, truly! I hope to find another time, soon! Maybe next Wed after school?
But about the words...I agree that I am better off when I use email only. My x might be ready and ok to talk on the phone or in person, but I'm not. I don't think I want him to be nice to me, and I know I don't want to be abused anymore, either. I also feel better with the less I know about his life (which can be hard, with the kids over there as often as they are, and not wanting them to censor themselves).
It really is a tragedy that after so long together, so many positive years, that I can't be friends with him. But I can't, at least not now, so that is that. He has said that it is a shame, probably wonders how, if I profess to love/loved him so much, I wouldn't want him in my life at least as a friend. But I don't know how to get to that place. And I don't know how wrong or right he is about what I felt about him. (How unconditional was it, if I can't be happy and accepting that he is happy?) Without any other relationships, I can't really say what it was, other than it didn't work out in the long term.
I'm just focused on what is in my life - kids, work, friends, family. I feel like I am holding on for the summer. Came as a surprise to realize that I have been apart from him for almost 2 years now, divorced a year in June. He has been in the other relationship for at least 3, probably 4 years. My sense of time is still a little screwed up. I wish I was more highly evolved.
