The adventure continues--part 3

[AFWAW]

I have offered several times. Different answers each time. First time, I don't need to go, I know what I need to do. Second time, I don't want to get into trouble.

When I went off on her the other day and told her she was an f#$%ing lunatic and told her she better get some help she said she knew she needed to but didn't want to get into trouble.

I gotta be honest, if this goes down with a divorce, I feel I have to expose her and OM to the military. I don't want to do it but I feel obligated to do so. She will hate me and her career and quite possibly his career will be over but I really don't care right now.

[PMA_Baby!]

I would tell her either she stops all contact w OM and goes to counseling or the deals off. Why does she have all the control?

[LG nm12]

"I don't want to get into trouble"???????? Is she 4 years old? What is the counselor going to do... spank her? put her in detention? This is madness.

Hiding behind her inner "little girl" has allowed her to avoid accountability and has allowed her to stray numerous times. Now, hiding behind her inner little girl is allowing her to "get away with it" and continue to avoid looking within. She is 39 years old and a mother of a teen. Her mindset is absolutely unacceptable. You are the only person who can hold her to her commitment to marriage and motherhood. Nobody else gives a damn because they don't have to suffer the consequences.

She needs to grow up and learn to ASK for what she wants in life. A little girl sits and lives with whatever is handed to her. A little girl "acts out" if she isn't getting what she needs. A woman does work and communicates and remains true to herself and to her word.

So... Since she insists on acting like a little girl.... Maybe you should just pick her up right before your next appointment and tell her that she is coming with you. Drag her kicking and screaming like a toddler.

Are you still able to enjoy her company and LAUGH? What does she bring to your life?

A card... I'm not sure that a card is deep enough for this situation. Too easy to just buy a card, you know? A love letter would be wayyyy better, even if it's short. What if you made her a CD of songs that you pick for her that combines old ones that you both like with some new ones that will show her that you can bring new and fresh things to her life?

Lucky

[AFWAW]

"I don't want to get into trouble"???????? Is she 4 years old? What is the counselor going to do... spank her? put her in detention? This is madness.

She thinks that the counselor will report her adultry to the military--that's why she thinks she'll get in trouble. They won't report it but I am very, very, very tempted to do so at this point.

She needs to grow up and learn to ASK for what she wants in life.

I agree but she doesn't feel this way. She thinks it should just come naturally. She told me she doesn't have to ask OM for anything. He just does it.

So... Since she insists on acting like a little girl.... Maybe you should just pick her up right before your next appointment and tell her that she is coming with you. Drag her kicking and screaming like a toddler.

Wish I could but cannot force her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

Are you still able to enjoy her company and LAUGH? What does she bring to your life?

I did enjoy her company yesterday at lunch. I laughed and smiled so much my face hurt. At this point, I'm starting to question what she does bring to my life. That is a damn fine question.

A love letter would be wayyyy better, even if it's short.

I'll think about it but I was just considering writing something short in the card.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would tell her either she stops all contact w OM and goes to counseling or the deals off. Why does she have all the control?

I agree.

It's time to call the question.

[LG nm12]

Then go to a counselor who isn't connected with the military. No?

Do we really care that she feels that it should come naturally? We know that she's WRONG. Her opinions aren't so credible based on how she has been conducting herself. Anyway, if she ran off into the sunset with OM, she would soon learn that he isn't the total package, either. Nobody is. PUH-LEEZ.

Do you have any sisters or any other female influences who are mature, loving people? If so, I would recommend you make plans to hang out with them and your daughter. Your daughter needs a role model so that she doesn't learn that this behavior is acceptable.

Yeah - The card is just fine.

Lucky

[AFWAW]

Then go to a counselor who isn't connected with the military. No?

They aren't, she's just paranoid they have to report back info.

Your daughter needs a role model so that she doesn't learn that this behavior is acceptable.

I think my daughter suspects. She asked me the other day what "his" name is. She told me last night I need to cheer up and that she wasn't worth it. I asked her what she was talking about and she said I found men's body wash in mommy's apartment and she told me it was SS19's who lives in TN. I said what did you think about that? She said, I think she's lying. I said you're a pretty smart girl. She said, don't you dare cry over her anymore, she's not worth it!

At this point, I think my 13 year old daughter may be more emotionally mature than I am. Pretty sad, huh?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

At this point, I think my 13 year old daughter may be more emotionally mature than I am. Pretty sad, huh?

I don't know about that, AF, but I do think she's being far more mature than her mother is.

Puppy

[LG nm12]

Well, that just made me tear up. Big, big hugs to AF and Teenage Daughter AF.

I do think it's time you mapped out your boundaries and took control. No more OM. Counseling NOW (grow the F up, already... patient confidentiality is a law). Fulfill the role of wife and mother.

Another thought... You said that it wouldn't bother you to sleep with her again after she's been with another man. That makes me concerned that you may not have taken the time in your life to explore your sexuality and to nurture a deep emotional connection through intimacy. I'm not talking about being great at it, I'm talking about the emotional and psychological and healing facets of sexuality. This is a very real and important part of a good marriage. If you placed more importance on the sex life that you had with your wife, you might have more angst when thinking about the very intimate contact that took place between them. I'm just wondering if this may be an area that needs some attention in your personal growth. After the dust settles, whichever way things go, I would recommend that you read "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch for your own interest. It opened my eyes in many ways.

(((AF)))

Lucky

[AFWAW]

I do think it's time you mapped out your boundaries and took control. No more OM. Counseling NOW (grow the F up, already... patient confidentiality is a law). Fulfill the role of wife and mother.

An ultimatum? Doesn't that go against DB?

You said that it wouldn't bother you to sleep with her again after she's been with another man.

IT DOES BOTHER ME but if she came back and agreed not to do it again I would not let it bother me. Oh, it bothers me a lot.

Thanks Lucky