Well, that just made me tear up. Big, big hugs to AF and Teenage Daughter AF.
I do think it's time you mapped out your boundaries and took control. No more OM. Counseling NOW (grow the F up, already... patient confidentiality is a law). Fulfill the role of wife and mother.
Another thought... You said that it wouldn't bother you to sleep with her again after she's been with another man. That makes me concerned that you may not have taken the time in your life to explore your sexuality and to nurture a deep emotional connection through intimacy. I'm not talking about being great at it, I'm talking about the emotional and psychological and healing facets of sexuality. This is a very real and important part of a good marriage. If you placed more importance on the sex life that you had with your wife, you might have more angst when thinking about the very intimate contact that took place between them. I'm just wondering if this may be an area that needs some attention in your personal growth. After the dust settles, whichever way things go, I would recommend that you read "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch for your own interest. It opened my eyes in many ways.
