My brother strongly advises me not to listen and/or seek out what other people say about ex. The point struck home a few days ago.
A woman, who's like a second mother to me, ran into ex.. the first time she's seen him since before he left. She made a comment about the divorce. His reply was that he'd do it again. She told him that he'd have to search the world to find a person like me. He said she was a loyal friend.
After she relayed her tale, I felt that sick tightening deep in my belly. "He'd do it again???" Who says that type of thing? Memories of other phrases... "You were a sh*tty wife".. "You're a miserable person living in a miserable fantasy life" made its on Molotov mind cocktail.
I remembered to breathe.. to let go, not to take on that verbiage as defining me. The negative feelings subsided and were brushed aside.
When I mentioned ex's conversation, my counselor quipped that he should take out a billboard on I-95 that says "I'm not healthy, I'm unwell." That a healthy person would say something like.. "We had many good times, but it didn't work.".. or something like that rather that projecting such defensiveness. I wondered where my usual reply about the divorce.. "I'm disappointed that it happened, but I'm healthier than I've been in years.".. falls in. I don't think I've quite hit acceptance.
Before change was something I cowered at. Now I'm starting to make my own (cha-chink, cha-chink) at my own pace. Selling the car, a birthday present from him, will be a good thing, though I will miss how incredible it is. Leaving the big house will be different too.
Then I remember.. I never wanted the big house, the fancy car. I wore the mantle of privilege hesitantly. Reality allows me to drop what doesn't fit and embrace what works for me... one step at a time.
