I just wanted to jump in and say to Puppy, that I am glad you are still having a positive attitude about marriage in general...and because of that, I know that after you go through all of this crud (assuming that you do end up D'd), then you will find that woman and you will have that happy marriage you were hoping for.
As a divorced person, it is/was very tempting to feel bitter about marriage. Especially knowing that second marriages fail even more often than firsts! But...I do have the right person, and I am learning a brand new way of viewing marriage. I feel happy, in love, supported, and generally healthier than I ever have in my life before. We follow many of the marriage builders ideas, and boy does it work. So anyway, what I am saying is....don't give up hope on MARRIAGE, even if you are forced to give up hope on your current marriage. I know Puppy fought this battle to the end, and he would have much preferred for Mrs. Puppy to have a light bulb go off over her head and realize that she also wanted this marriage to work and be happy together. So then he was forced to give up on this marriage. Not by his own choice. But in the future......Puppy, there is a happy future waiting for you. Complete with a woman who loves and adores and supports you and wants as much sex (or more) than you do!
I figured you wouldn't mind. He'll sustain you through all of this. In you opinion, what's your W's relationship with God like? And how do you think she views it?
I figured you wouldn't mind. He'll sustain you through all of this. In you opinion, what's your W's relationship with God like? And how do you think she views it?
WP
She used to have a very strong faith, but she hasn't for years now. I don't think she ever really got it back after her affair, and she doesn't much want to hear about the God stuff. And the people she's hanging out with certainly aren't going to be changing those views anytime soon (in fact, I think the OM2 that's in the picture is a downright ANGRY athiest, who divorced his wife partly because he felt she was "too religious," and partly just because, I suppose, he's a WOLF and a PLAYER.
Well, darkness can't stand the light. It makes a lot of sense that your W has lost her faith. She committed an awful sin, and although it's forgiveable, the heart that she had that allowed her to do that probably isn't the kind of heart that will be broken before God over it. If you don't already, you should really see this as a spiritual battle. This will help keep you from hating her or becoming bitter, and it will help you to approach her in a way that will be pleasing to God. You probably already do this, but if not, you should pray for your W continuously. Only God can pull her out of this. The Bible doesn't mince words, and if we claim to believe in God then we also must believe his word. The act of adultery is not a sin that can just be wiped away. What I mean is, unless she reconciles to you, her husband, or if she remains single and celebate, she will forever be an adulterer, and there are many new testament scriptures that warn about certain people (adulterers included) who will not inherit the kingdom of God as long as they live that way. Divorce is not an option in God's word, unless you are the grieved spouse of an adulterer, in which case you are free to divorce your spouse (but this is still not God's preferance), so for your wife to repent she must leave her adulterous life and be fully reconciled to you. Anything short of that is not repentance. You should really seek out all scriptures pertaining to marriage, divorce, and adultery. It's very scary stuff, but fearing God is the first step to loving Him.
I've read most, if not all, of them WP, and I pray for her every single day.
When she was in the middle of her affair, two years ago, I prayed this prayer daily:
MY PRAYER FOR MY MARRIAGE:
Father, thank you for my family. Thank you for giving my children to me to care for, and (Wife) to me to help. Forgive me for the times that I haven’t appreciated them, and done my very best.
Father, I lift up (Wife) to you and ask for you to protect her today. Protect her from physical and emotional harm, and from the enticements of this world. Strengthen her to be the godly woman and strong mother that you want her to be. Give her encouragement that there is hope for her marriage, and that her efforts can result in a better, happier life for her, me and our children and grandchildren someday. Please open her eyes to the painful realities of divorce and separation and infidelity, and give her wisdom to make good decisions. Lord, I acknowledge that you gave us all Free Will, but I ask for your extra grace for (Wife) during this difficult time.
Father God, I lift up myself to you, and ask for you to give me strength today. Give me the strength to do the daily work that needs to be done to restore my marriage, my family, and my finances. Give me the wisdom to make good decisions, and please give me the godly discernment to detect potential danger to my family, and give me the courage to be vigilant and do what’s necessary to protect my wife and my family. Lord, give me the PATIENCE to keep working at this, and help me put my faith in the substance of things HOPED FOR, And in the evidence of things NOT YET SEEN, instead of in appearances and the seeming hopelessness of a given situation.
Father, help me restore my marriage. Help me to be a better father, a better husband, and a stronger example to my children, especially my young men. Help (Wife) to be a better mother, a better wife, and a godly example to our children, especially our young women. Help her display, in her daily life today, the balance between strength and independence of a confident woman, and the humility and godliness that you require of her, and let that be an example to our daughters.
Lord, help me get thru this day, and live it in such a way that if it were to be the last day of my marriage, That you would be proud of the effort I gave, and the example I led.
Wow, Puppy, that is a beautiful prayer. I think parts of that prayer have already been answered, and I think other answers are yet to come. For example, I believe that your children are old enough to understand what's going on and see the difference between right and wrong. I think they will appreciate all you did to fight for your marriage. So many men (and women) would be out the door the minute an affair was discovered, but you chose to fight for this woman, probably in part out of love, in part for your kid's sake, and in part in reverance to God. She's fully in His hands now and this might just be the thing she needs to have true repentance that will lead her to salvation. Just don't give up on praying for her. Remember, the Lord did not come to bring unity to families, but rather to separate the sheep from the goat. If unity happens to be the outcome of that, then praise God. If it's not, but rather that the true character of someone is revealed, then praise God again! I know this is all so difficult, and I pray that I will have the strength I need if ever I'm faced with the same outcome down the road. Let us all look on to our reward in heaven! God bless, WP
She used to have a very strong faith, but she hasn't for years now. I don't think she ever really got it back after her affair, and she doesn't much want to hear about the God stuff. And the people she's hanging out with certainly aren't going to be changing those views anytime soon (in fact, I think the OM2 that's in the picture is a downright ANGRY athiest, who divorced his wife partly because he felt she was "too religious," and partly just because, I suppose, he's a WOLF and a PLAYER.
Someone once told me my wife's issue was not so much a marriage problem, but a God problem. It may seem simplistic, but when someone is cutting themself off from the loving, gracious creator of the universe, who is life, joy and truth, other spiritual forces, whch lead to destruction and death, will begin to hold sway in that person's mind/heart.
What is beautiful becomes ugly, what is horrific becomes attractive. Right becomes oppression and Wrong becomes liberation.
This is about your kids.
Inevtiably, your wife will seek approval from the kids for her new boyfriends. If she can hide the affair (OM2) and make it look like you guys split up because you couldn't get along, then the whole boyfriend thing will seem more palatable. If she can't hide the affair, then she will want your kids to abandon their faith in order to lose their moral compass, so that they will not "judge" her.
My concern is for the spiritual well-being of your kids. How do plan to explain the divorce to them? Mommy and Daddy just can't get along? It's quite possible that their discernment will be thrown off when the truth is withheld from them.
Do your kids have solid connections in your church with adults/families who will support your moral/spiritual vision of the world? If not, the best thing you can do for them is to start building that now.
You don't want to lose your wife AND you kids. I mean this spiritually.
I should clarify, in case you haven't been reading my sitch closely: I have no evidence of anything other than the very early signs of an EA. The woman is damned near delusional right now, in many ways, so it's very possible that even THAT is one-sided. Her cellphone records indicate that she is the pursuer, and my gut tells me that her mindset right now is more toward serial promiscuity (to re-stoke her need for validation of her youth and beauty) than it is any serious new relationship.
That all being said, I agree with you wholeheartedly -- this IS about my kids at this point, and I'm making conscious efforts to step up their moral instruction now. My daughters (22, 20) have already indicated to me that their mother has some serious issues, and to the extent that her wayward behavior has ever been revealed to them, they have expressed grave concerns (even to her) over it.
Allow me to weigh in here, too, based upon my experience. My D13 figured out on her own that dad "had a girlfriend"--even her identity, that that's why he left, and that he is selfish. And she loves him anyway--and that's a good thing. That's grace, and she knows she's giving it. And I'm not standing in her way. This is a powerful lesson for both of us--and maybe, even for her father someday.
I don't know if or when I would have provided her with that information, but she came out with it herself. She won't talk much about it these days--and I think that's an individual thing. But I have always encouraged her relationship with her father--for her sake. She has seen how his sin has affected all of us negatively. And it's not okay with her. She is learning how to "hate the sin and love the sinner" through this experience.
I would NEVER have told her that our family ended because dad and I couldn't get along. I believe he may have, but I have been clear that that is an unacceptable reason to end a marriage. She has also expressed sadness and anger at God because he has allowed this--and if it's not His will, how could He allow it? That provided an opportunity to discuss free will and poor choices, and why things like adultery are sinful.
I believe, and have found through experience, that if you remain in prayer throughout this, and keep the door open, there can be unpredictable blessings in spite of everything else.
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
