AF: Our ferrets have had their scent glands removed, as I'm told all farm-raised ferrets have, but they still smell a little funky. I keep their cage clean and replace their litter every day and that seems to help.
Jag: Thanks for checking in. How 'bout those Trailblazers?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
What was scary last night was the Blazers were up by 8 with 19 seconds to go and the Rockets were able to get 8 points in that amount of time (including 2 amazing 3 pointers). Good thing the Blazers made some free throws.
I haven't spoken with the W since Saturday, but I have a sneaking suspicion that things are heading for a resolution. I want to throw this out and see if anyone else has a comment on this:
The last time I spoke with her, she said that she wanted to talk about some passages in the Walk out woman that I sent her. She made a comment that I didn't understand at the time, it was something along the lines of I don't think it is ok for you to go through my mail. Not sure where she was coming from, I just said sure. Well, my own copy of the book came yesterday and I started reading through it. Lo and behold, chapter 14: How to end an affair the right way, step 5: Allow your spouse to monitor voice mail and regular mail for as long as he deems necessary. The book also says that if the WAW is involved with someone else, they should seek some council before breaking the news to their husband about it. Also very interesting in light of the fact that she is seeing a therapist on Friday.
Ok. I know I am supposed to be supportive and loving and forgiving and should accept her back and work on this marriage. She is making a lot of independent steps to come back: selling her stuff, talking to the car dealer, etc. But she hasn't said one word to me about it. The info I get is from what she has told our S17 and what little I get from my MIL. She has always maintained that she has never had a PA with the OM and that it was always an EA (at the very most!) The vibes I'm getting is that she wants to talk to me about something important and she is going to tell me that their R was much further along than she and/or my MIL have ever let on. I know it is a big "what-if", but I am finding myself questioning my ability to forgive and to accept, especially if she is unwilling or unable to come completely clean with me.
Doesn't the inability to be honest and truthful mean that someone isn't completely sorry for what they did? My W is the kind of person who could live with a dark secret for years before saying anything, so I am very uncomfortable completely trusting her unless she becomes completely transparent to me. Is that expecting too much? Or do I just welcome her home with nary a mention of the last 10 months and what she has been up to and hope that with MC and IC that she will someday be able to open up to me about the details?
At this point, I've become quite comfortable in my separated life, and so my heart doesn't yearn for her to be back, but I just feel that I can't accept her back unless she comes clean with me. Any dishonesty from her now is a major turn-off for me.
Thoughts?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Ask any of the WAWs on the board and they'll tell you that some of them never apologized to their H. I don't know why, but it's something they do and you're going to have to deal with that realization.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
It just might be a deal-breaker for me if she doesn't open up and be honest with me. For one, I don't think I can get past it and learn to trust someone who won't be honest with me. I think I can live with her being unapologetic; honesty and truthfulness are requirements if she wants to re-build a life with me.
Is that too hard a line to take?
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
No, I don't think so. She left and is in the works of coming back. If it was me, I feel like I would deserve some answers. But then again, I would be ready not to get those answers and prepare to move forward and leave the past in th epast.
Has she said ok to seeing a C?
Me - 39 W - 39 D - 11 D - 8 S - 5 Served - 04/14/09 Temporary Court Orders - 04/27/09
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.
I don't think it's too harsh. I think you both deserve to start over on the right foot and honesty is a huge thing. I think that she may be afraid to tell you all of the details at first because of what she fears your reaction may be. If she shares that she did have a PA with the OM will you be able to forgive her? If she finally comes clean with her indiscretion all of those years ago will you be able to forgive her? If you can then maybe you should start by building her confidence that she can tell you anything and you will not turn against her. It seems backwards to win her trust so she will feel comfortable being totally honest with you, but I don't think telling her be honest or else is the way to go. Transparency is so important when recovering from either an EA or PA. I don't know if I would be able to move forward without that. It's definitely something she needs to be aware of whatever way you decide to go.
