Bbj, I am not sure anymore why I hold on to this man. Sometimes if feels like love of somekind, but I dont know. It could be that I am stubborn, that I am scared to officially call it quits, that the practical issues seem overwhelming, that my kids need him. The truth is, I have put myself in a worse state of limbo than before and he is getting away with it.
If you recall, when I said let's divorce he said "fine" but at the same time it was clear I WAS making that choice because "he loves me etc etc". I think that is the hook for me. I am thinking if love exists then why not fight for it? Why not try to make myself love him as I used to, I should be able to after all the things I've learned about decisions and choices and the "scary" future that awaits divorced women (btw, the law here sure stinks regarding CS and the rest). I am trying to be smart and use that crystal ball as MDW says.
More and more lately the post about loving someone but not being able to have a relationship with him is coming to mind. He is family and I dont feel I hate him or have any negative feelings toward him. On the contrary. He is polite, caring some times, helps out in the house when he is here, good father to my kids... I cant get mad at him now. But I am disappointed. VERY disappointed.
The truth is, he has me where it's convenient for him and I am allowing it even though I am miserable. I cant live my life like this. Everyday I feel I am wasting my life waiting for him to step up and he will never will. I was scared that if I go ahead with the divorce I will look back one day and think "I made a horrible mistake". Now I am thinking that I will say the same thing but only in regards to the wasted time of my life in this sick situation.
fb2, I cant change it on my own. I cant. It's the truth. It takes 2 to tango my friend. And believe me, I am tested every day on my patience, understanding etc etc. I am beginning to feel like a fool here. NOT good. (disappointed not mad )K
