One of the big parts of DB and one that everyone suggests up front is getting a life. Of course there are lots of good reasons for that.
Obviously if we have old hobbies and activities we've stopped doing when we got married, revisiting them is a good place to start. Reconnecting with old friends is also good. And as pearlharbr pointed out, everyone starts working out again!
But what about actually going out and meeting new people (in a friendship kind of way, of course)? What if so many of your mutual friends came out of your WAS' circle and work and so that's a bit awkward? What ways have you all found that works for just getting out and meeting people? It's weird to ask, because it sounds like such a basic human thing, but really, it's been so very long since I've been alone! And what do you find yourself saying when the inevitable questions arise, "So, are you married?"
I guess much depends on where you live, and surely things like Meetup and other web/social-networking things can help. Anyway, I'm very curious to hear other experiences?
It sounds like by meeting new people you mean women. If that's the case, why are you bothering to DB? When asked the question, "So, are you married?" the answer is "Yes." People are so quick to throw in the towel, and if that's what we all did then no marriage stands a chance. My advise to you is to take a good, hard look at yourself and see what things in your own personality that you need to work on. We all have our issues and this is a perfect time to face yours--I know it was for me. As for GAL, this can be a variety of beneficial options, such as doing volunteer work (I know NYC has a plethora of options, such as Hope for NY), reconnecting with old same-sex friends, working out, getting involved with church, etc. I know it's hard, GAL was one of the hardest things for me, and I'm not sure I ever really mastered it, but I stronlgly advise against meeting women--you're in such a vulnerable place right now that I don't think anything good could come from that. Why place yourself in a tempting situation?
I second the volunteering idea. I have met some really cool people by volunteering. I have found when I am helping somebody else it makes me feel less sad. It gets you out of the house and sort of gives you a feeling of purpose beyond work/marriage.
I also made it a game with myself to find something new to do in my neighborhood each week. I am fortunate to live in a neighborhood where there are tons of low cost or free things to do. I forced myself to see my neighborhood with "new eyes" even though I have lived here for 10 years. Tonight I am going to a free cooking demonstration at a gourmet food shop. I love to cook so why not?
I signed up for a community garden plot last year so I am looking forward to that once the weather permits. I never in my life had a garden before last year. Its fun! I ride my bike to the plot a few times a week.
I have had some health problems this year so when going out wasnt an option for me I tried to find productive things to do at home. I taught myself how to use software I always wanted to learn by downloading free tutorials online over the course of a year. I took French in high school so I began brushing up and learning it again over the course of a year.
Last year I was walking my dog and I saw a lady walking the same kind of dog I have. We stopped to say hello and talk about our dogs. She always walks her dog at the same time I do in the evening so several times a week we walk our dogs together and just chat. Is she my best friend? No. But its just nice to get out there and chat with people about a common interest.
Most of my friends are married. When I couldnt find anything social to do I would force myself to do *something*. Sometimes I would simply walk to the bookstore and browse for an hour or so.
The majority of the friends my H and I had were couples. Most of our individual friends from our past have moved away so I sort of had to start from scratch. Sometimes you just luck out. My sisters best friend has a sister that moved back to the area after 10 years. It turns out she moved across the street from me and we have lots in common. Now she is a good friend of mine. We both enjoy going to art galleries so its been nice!
When the subject of "are you married" comes up I usually say that I am separated and leave it at that. Most people (in my experience) wont pry after that.
Oh, whoops, good point --- I really meant to be specific in the original post! I was thinking of meeting people of the same-sex. Meeting new women even in a friendly context doesn't feel like something that would help right now! There seems to be a million outlets for singles to meet up in various settings, but I'm specifically looking to avoid that!
Glad to hear. I hope I didn't jump all over you! It's so hard dealing with being alone all of the sudden. There were days that I just felt so destitute. But I had to learn that my life could exist w/out my W, if that's the route she so chose. I had to learn that God alone was sufficient for me, and if I sought him with all my heart he would bless my life. I had made a sort of idol out of my marriage, and I had gotten to the point where I couldn't go on w/out my W, and that was not good for me or her. Those were my biggest lessons. Try hard not to simply medicate what you are feeling with activities and people--don't get me wrong, I don't mean to sit and sulk, but do take time alone to reflect on what positive thing you can learn from all of this.
I have the same issue that all my friends are mutial with S and not really friends with work people. I have reconneced with a few older friends but none live very close.
You mentioned Meetup and I just used that to meet some new people. Went to a play last weekend and out to sushi and had a great time. It was very hard to go alone to meet new people but I told myself that the first few times would be ackward but I would get to know them and vice-versa and it would be fun. It did make me feel better to get out and meet new people.
I have also gone to a few movies alone. I love movies and didn't feel wierd going alone.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Alone...I haven't read all the responses, so maybe someone has already said this but....
I always advise people to GAL by taking up dancing! Ballroom, salsa, swing...those are the best place to start.
It is exercise. It is social. It works your brain harder than you will ever imagine! It is totally normal for married people to go but not be dating others or looking for physical intimacy, so the "are you married" question really doesn't matter to other dancers. And at the same time, there is that *tiny bit* of physical intimacy that occurs when you dance with someone...yet it is totally innocent and devoid of romantic meaning (unless you are dancing with an actual life partner, etc).
If you are a man especially, there are ALWAYS more women than men in dance communities so if you can dance and are a man, you will be sought after for dances and women will literally rush to you to get in line for your next free dance.
It is also a good distraction. If you really "get into it", it will literally keep you up at night as you are in your kitchen working on your steps and moves.
At most venues, kids are also welcome! If they are at least the age of 8 - 10, they can learn the basic steps along with you and then you have a partner to practice with when you get home. Dance communities encourage kids to join dancing, and so the kids will feel like welcomed heros if they join you. The adults will make them feel very special, because they ARE. Very few young people know how to dance, so it IS special.
To figure out which kind of dancing you think you might want to try, just ask yourself which kind of music you can listen to for hours at a time:
salsa = salsa dancing, also cha cha, mambo, etc. big band = east coast swing dancing country = country two step and line dancing, also west coast swing slow classics (Glen Miller, etc) = ballroom contemporary = west coast swing (this is a little known type of swing that uses music from all era's but which mostly tend to be on the "disco-ish" side of music...) and hustle (yes people still do the hustle, but it is not a line dance anymore, it is now a partner dance and is fun as hell!)
Here is an example of west coast swing dancing, although of course, these are pro's so normal people can't dance this well....HOWEVER, if you can imagine how much fun these people are having, ALL dancers have that much fun! That's why we do it.
Oh and also...I have heard people in the past saying they were afraid to try dancing because they are "bad dancers". This is because when they try to "dance", they end up doing the white-man's overbite and/or the Elaine Bennis, and people make fun of them.
Then these same people go to a ballroom or swing class and find out they are actually naturals at it.
This is because the typical thing people think of as "dancing" (ie: white man's overbite) is nothing like partner dancing. Nothing at all. They are not the same thing. In fact, some girl or dude in a swingin' hot spot "dance club" who is doing the bump and grind and who may appear to be a "good dancer", will find that when they go to try partner dancing, they can't do it. It is very complex and not every one can...but I have met so many people who can't do that club/white-man's overbite type of neck jive, but who CAN figure out how to swing their partner across the floor to the delight of both.
So even if you feel you "can't dance" or have two left feet, don't rule it out until you at least try it for a few lessons.
Many dance venues have a free beginner's lesson before their social dance that night. So find a dance venue, find out what night their weekly thing is, and find out what time the lesson starts. At the lesson, you will meet other beginners, so you won't feel like you are the only one who doesn't know how to do this. Usually, they make you rotate partners during the lesson, so you meet everyone at your lesson. And then hopefully the other beginners will stick around when the dance starts, so you have someone you've already met to dance with a couple of times.
Hmmm....Well strangely, posture has a lot to do with projecting confidence. Stand up straight and tall with your chest puffed out (but not looking rediculous like you are about to fight someone, just looking like your spine is straight and your shoulders are squared off), this type of posture always conveys confidence.
Also "every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man". NOT sharp like ZZ top though, what were THEY thinking? Sharp like the guys in Men's Health magazine ads. You can have your own funky style, but it has to be sharp. No strings hanging off seam lines, pants hemmed at the correct length (slight break, not too short, not too long), hair cut and in place, shoes that are expensive (even if you have to save up for them and only have a few pairs, its better than several pairs of junk shoes), if you wear glasses make sure you have cool looking frames that compliment your face, your outer wear should be sharp too - flannels are only ok when camping! Dressing sharp speaks confidence.
Also, *speaking* itself can convey confidence. When you speak, make sure you clearly enunciate and project your voice (without being too loud). A soft spoken man seems unconfident to us.
And then finally....smile. A smiling person looks like a happy person, and a happy person is usually confident.
