I posted my story a few weeks ago, but don't know how to add a link to that thread, so here's the gist of my situation - Married almost 11 years, together for 16. My H and I have been separated since Valentine's Day when he moved out to pursue a relationship with someone he met on Facebook who he went to HS with! I saw a text message from her less than two weeks after they met at small reunion saying that she was so in love with him. They had only seen one another twice before he left and were already declaring their love for one another and speaking of spending their lives together! Since leaving, he has been living in a small room in a friends house, is flat broke, stressed out and seemingly pretty depressed. But he still spends every weekend with the OW and that doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon. Says he's been unhappy for a long time, that our sexual chemistry is gone, that he needs to stand on him own two feet.......
I've been DBing for about 2 weeks now, since speaking with a coach. It's a bit difficult because there isn't much contact between us, so I have to make the best of any contact there is. Up until now, there was lots of heavy talk, therapy sessions (not to reconcile, but to communicate) etc. He came over last week to discuss finances with me and my brother. I DBd all the way - looked great, smelled great - was upbeat and positive, talked about new endeavors in my life etc. etc. He didn't seem to want to leave. After my brother left, we had dessert, talked a lot (but not about R), watched TV, he taught me how to use Itunes, and then - he stayed over! Not in our bedroom, but in the guest room. He didn't want to "confuse things". When he got into bed, I got in beside him! Just friendly and cuddly and we talked some more. He seemed a bit tense, but not enough to ask me to leave. After a bit, I went to my own room and went to sleep. Woke up at 6 AM and went back into bed with him. More "friendly cuddling" and then I got up and made him breakfast. He was very teary and said that he hadn't had a healthy breakfast like that in weeks. I said "I don't know what to tell you - you left behind a beautiful life." He didn't say anything. The only mention of the OW was when I spoke about how supportive my friends have been. He said that he wasn't in touch that much with his friends, but that he was "involved with someone" and that made a difference. I think that he was trying to say that she is his support. Anyway, I tried bringing up a few logistical issues, and he asked if we could talk about them another time - said he was "overwhelmed."
Didn't contact him but heard from him a few days later. He left a phone message that started with what a wonderful night he had, that I looked amazing and that he was so proud of me for joining and working in Al-anon (he's been sober for 8 years, although my therapist believes that he is "relapsing", not with alcohol or drugs, but with this affair.) He still seems to contact me right away when things get difficult with his work situation, but never speaks of coming back. Still involved with the OW. I'm afraid that I've gotten my hopes up too much and am now back to being terrified of losing him forever. I know that I have to have patience, but it would help to hear from other people in similar situations who have been successful or who, like me, are in the midst of trying to make it work with a spouse who is involved with someone else. Thanks.
First of all, here the FAQ link on the top right of any page here shows you how to create links to your other posts, a customized signature line, and so on.
Secondly, let me say that I'm sorry you are here. This is a horrible and stressful thing to be going through. It sounds like you are off to the right start though; it sounds like you've already taken advantage of the DB coaching. How is that coming along?
Third, let me say that there are a lot of people here who are in similar situations (sitches) to yours. Hopefully some others will post here and tell you what is working and what isn't for them. A good way to both get and receive feedback is to read and post in other peoples' threads. If you include a link to your main thread in your signature, then people can click back and read and comment on your story, too.
I can tell you that I am in a similar sitch to yours. My W left me in November to go back to Germany with an OM. Since then, she has been on a roller-coaster emotionally and was dragging me along for the ride. Being physically separated I think made it a little easier to detach and GAL for me, but our kids have been the real losers in all of this. She is still in Germany, although her position has weakened. Her relationship with the OM has soured and she is contemplating coming home. She is seeing a family therapist on Friday.
What has worked for me: anti-depressants and detachment. What hasn't worked: pursuing, being depressed, and being mopey.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks - I know what you mean about anti-depressants and detachment. I'm also in a situation where my H is in bad shape financially, isn't taking good care of himself and living in an uncomfortable situation. So, I have to restrain myself not to jump right into my codependent caregiver role. It also sometimes makes me feel like I am such an ogre that he is willing to give up a beautiful home, secure future, 5 beloved animals, etc. just so that he doesn't have to be with me. Then, I remind myself that this isn't about me - it's about him and whatever crisis he is currently going through. That thought helps a bit, but it's hard to maintain.
Very confused today. I've had a lot of anxiety lately. I think that seeing H last week gave me hope and I'm afraid of my feelings being crushed yet again. Anyway, he has a job interview on Thursday and went to the house today to get a suit. I let him know that it wasn't OK for him to go to the house unless we had a specific plan. He was very apologetic - said that he needed to get to the dry cleaner in time etc. We "chatted" for a while on gmail and I mentioned that I'd like to talk to him about some ideas that I have for a pet care business that we started together. It is now his, but any money that he makes directly affects me. He hasn't been getting much work, so I wanted to talk with him about it. I thought he would think that we should just continue gmail chatting, but he wrote "coffee tonight?" I know that it's good that he wants to see me again so soon, but I'm also afraid that he thinks I'm his buddy. One of my friends said that he shouldn't have that kind of access to me. He's sleeping with another woman and I'm having coffee with him. I know that I'm in the fight of my life to get my marriage back, but is there a downside to seeing him again? Of course, I will be DBing and acting upbeat and positive, but I don't want him to get the impression that I am fine with everything and there for him. Advice please????????????
Hey Blueheart. I am pretty sure I am in a fairly similar sitch. I haven't confirmed the presence of the OW, but I am the only one with any doubt. Regardless of that I have a similar sitch in that my spouse wants to be buddies. For me, I have been working to take control of the situation. More than anything I want her to know that I am doing fine and that I am going to be fine. If she wants to chat, that is fine by me. But it will not control me. It's a part of my day. In other words, I would say it is ok to talk. you aren't validating his behavior, just acknowledging the reality that you two have a relationship. As long as he is respectful and you are in control I would say it is all good.
Thanks for the response. I know - it's a fine line. I have a DB coach and she would prefer that I see him from time to time. Since we are separated, there are long periods between face-to-face contact. And she wants me to be the kind of person that he would want to spend time with. So, I've been very strong, positive, funny etc. But, then I think = what the ____ am I doing? He cheated on me and left me. Why is he enjoying me? I realize that I am coming from a place of still wanting my marriage to work, so I'm doing what I need to. But sometimes, it's a tough road to walk.
So, I saw my H last night. He seemed so different than the last time - friendly, but very together emotionally. Talked about wanting to move back to the city (we live about an hour north), spoke like he had his whole life in check. Meanwhile, he's still living in a room in a friends house on a child sized bed and can barely afford the rent. The night was OK - we talked business and then watched a bit of TV. Unfortunately, I got a bit tipsy on wine and for the first time, acted somewhat desperate when he left. I wanted him to kiss me and he said "that would confuse things". He seemed kind of amused and I finally let it go. When he left, he said that my therapist wouldn't want to hear that I was making out with my husband! Anyway, he left something in the house and came back in. When he walked in, he slapped my ass and then as he was leaving, he quickly grabbed one of my breasts!!! Talk about mixed messages. My head is spinning and I feel ashamed for having acted like a desperado - I have managed to be completely dignified throughout this whole ordeal, so I'm upset with myself. Anyway, my gut is telling me that he's really having his cake and eating it too. I think I need to have very little contact for awhile. Any opinions? I'm really feeling down today.
One thing I figured out blueheart is that you have to avoid booze and the s. No booze for the s. And no booze for you. When you drink, it needs to be in a safe environment with people with whom you can share anything. So no drinking around the s.
Hey clueless - yes, i realize that. I did it to calm down, but I am such a lightweight. Half a glass of wine and I'm tipsy. H doesn't drink, so it was just me, which I suppose made it that much more awful. I'll put that on my "doesn't work" list.
Yep. I made that mistake twice. And my s. and I went much further than a little grabbing. And it ended so badly. So very badly. I burned it to the top of my "doesn't work" list after the second time.
