Don't get too discouraged if you have done a few backslides along the way because we all do. Fortunately DBing isn't an exact science or formula, so there is a lot of leeway in how you do it. You are going to have good days and bad. Unless you are a robot and immune to feelings and input from your H, you are going to react to any changes in his temperature, too.
The important thing is that you recognize what isn't working and do a 180 on that specific behavior. I've noticed over your last couple of posts that things seem to be improving in your sitch (the flirting, conversations, time spent together, etc.) so why do you feel that you are backsliding? I agree that you should go a little more dim, but going completely dark doesn't sound like it is warranted. Even at this relatively early stage of the DB game, he is noticing the changes in you and I'm sure he is intrigued, if not interested. By going a little more dim, you will build up that air of mystery and it will help to bring him out of the fog. You said it yourself; what sort of person would trade his gorgeous and devoted wife and kids "in the flesh" for someone a thousand miles away that they've never met in person (and probably never will)?
You have the right idea: keep working on the GAL activities; go a little more dim than before, but not completely dark, and see what happens. Baby steps are still forward steps.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
I feel like I'm too easily accessible. He knows I'm going to be there when he needs me or when he wants something. I feel like he knows I'm just waiting for him to come home and isn't really concerned that I'm going anywhere. I also think that I'm too transparent when I am around him and have a hard time being mysterious. He knows me so well that even when I don't say anything and just look at him he can tell what I'm thinking. I want to shake him up and question his certainty of me always being there. I don't know if just GAL and being positive around him will do that. Will it? How can I become more mysterious? I don't want to play games and act like I'm seeing people, but it sure is tempting.
Dont fall into the revenge A trap, you dont need that guilt on your conscience. Dont update him on what your doing, unless he asks, then be vague. Im getting together with the girls, instead of wanda, nancy, sara and I are heading to red lobster at 6:30 friday evening. Keep your communications positive, and end you end the conversation. Start an exciting new hobby, I learned to ride a motorcycle.
I would stop telling him if you are missing him, or love him, if he cant reciprocate, thats just destructive.
Yes, keeping up with the GALing and being positive will work, he will wonder what the heck you have been up to. And keep up the looking great, it'll go a long way towards your PMA and he will notice.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks blue. I don't tell him I love him or miss him. I stay away from any talk of feelings because it doesn't do me any good at this point. I don't bring up anything about the R either. I just act like his friend and treat him like I do my other friends . . . with a little flirting thrown in. I don't go crazy with it, but I want him to remember the old me.
I'm having such a hard time being "friends" when he keeps throwing in my face how wonderful his new life is. Meantime, we're in debt, he hasn't even completely moved out yet (sleeping at a friends' and traveling). Plus our kids are suffering. I don't know how to hang with the situation. I was doing so good with the friends thing but now I think he's got the best of everything. Help?
I just focus on my relationship with my H. The way I look at it we have kids together and are always going to be a part of eachother's lives. I want us to always be friends, so that's what I'm focusing on right now. It took a while, but I don't think about what he does when I'm not around so much. If it does pop into my head I do whatever I can to push the thought out. Sometimes that means I'm loudly singing whatever's on the radio, but I do it because it takes my mind off of the things I don't want there.
DL I think the last thing you want to do is try to make him jealous by pretending (or otherwise!) to be seeing someone else. That is a dangerous slope that can lead to a revenge A or cement the fate your already imperiled M. By effectively stooping to his level of behavior, even if only for appearances, you surrender the high moral ground and reduce (not increase) his discomfort level for what he is doing.
He may get jealous, true, but do you think that will bring him back to you? Once he is past the 'crisis' and has you securely in his court, he will likely flit back to his english muse again. There is also the possibility that it could end up much, much worse.
Mystery IS GAL! Doing things for you, and not necessarily telling him about it, increases your own self-esteem and your confidence. Those things show through your personality and your bearing and are noticeable, believe me. If you dress nice, take care of your health and figure, act (and be!) happy, that will start the mystery ball rolling without any scandalous undertones. Of course, being less available to him when he calls, or needs something is also part of going dim. Some things you can try:
Don't answer the phone when he calls: let the answering machine get it.
Don't respond to his text messages right away. Let him wait a bit before answering. Unless the need is pressing, let a few go unanswered.
Don't spend as much time at home. Go out and do things more with the kids. If you aren't at home, you won't deal with his calls or visits.
When he does corral you, if the conversation isn't going any place constructive, be in a hurry to go somewhere else. Don't be rude, just let him know you have something pressing that needs to be taken care of and ask him to call back later.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Well, since I lost weight and was nearly perfect db'ing, he went bananas and is losing weight working out etc. The difference is, I was evasive. He is a showoff by nature and has so much as told me that his life is so much better now. Funny though, we are still such a part of eachothers' lives and he hasn't lost much of anything. We were even having sex but I put an end to it (started to feel like a prostitute). Anyway, now I'm spinning like crazy. He leaves his family, loses weight, is supposedly meeting fabulous people (he's so impressed with celebrities), he's got lots of "new" friends and he even brings up women and then, oh but she's just a friend...and there are so many. Aaargh. My db worked so well, he decided to one up me. Only difference is that he insists we are 100% done and I'm obviously not. Maybe I need to step up my game and really pull back. This is frickin' torture, especially with kids in the middle. And, sometimes I wonder, by the time our lives have been torn apart and the kids have suffered, am I gonna even want this self-centered pr**k back? That's right now, ask me tomorrow and I'll be back to "we have to be together." Thanks for your help. Last straw today was he made a reference to having some people at our house (which is basically mine right now) while he watches the kids and one of them is female. I said that's my boundary. He admitted he was being provocative and agreed not to do it. Is he provocative to hurt me??? To get back at me? Show me all the awesomeness I lost? Or impress me in some a**-backwards mating ritual? Aaargh. Thank you for being here. Everyone else thinks he's either a total a88hole or I'm crazy (maybe both).
