Why do you have to sell? If you will lose money couldn't she just walk away and you keep the house. Don't mean to offend, this is a lousy time for people, just curious.
Until we dicided to move we had set the settlement up that when the house sold we would split the equity and prior to that the person outside the house would split all maintenance and taxes.
No I appreciate the question. We have an enormous mortgage. About half my take-home pay goes to paying the mortgage. With the child support and alimony there is no way I could pay it all. What we are going to lose is all the equity we had on the house. Basically the house is just unaffordable for us once I have to start paying for a second household regardless of if we stayed here.
Talked to her today. Both when she came to pick the kids up and then she called later to go over administrative stuff. I mentioned that I had lost a lot of weight which I found out at the doctors (not really a big deal one way or another, just sort of chit-chat). She said I needed to make sure I hit the gym hard for when I am on the market as "chicks dig the muscles." She's just absolutely not faking it. And I am beginning to believe that she is not deluding herself. She really wants to be friends. She's ready for us to be friends. She just knows absolutely that we are not meant to be together. It hasn't even been two months since she dropped the bomb. I know I need to buck up and get to work (and I think I followed decent db principals on the call). But I just feel shot. I need to start sleeping over families house again this week (4 out of 7). I love my wife. I miss her so much. I can't imagine this happening to my family. But there is some part of me that just wants to give up and let everyone heal. I feel like I'm trapped on an icy mountain. And it's cold. And I know that I should fight. But there is some part of me that just wants to drift off. You guys are all marathoners. You are my damn heroes.
You need a good dose of Puppy. I don't want to sound overly critical, but you need to set up some boundaries and protect yourself.
1-Find out if there is another person! Sounds like it too me (my wife did the same thing as yours...how awesome a husband I was and then a month later the shoe dropped)
2-Definitely breakup the finances! If she wants out, she needs to learn about the real world of money. I know I will get clobbered by saying this, but after 5 years of being a stay at home mom....I am sure she forgot how much fun it is having to go to work 40 hours a week.
3-Stop leaving your house! You are paying all the bills....why the heck not live there? She wants out...then let her go live some place else...she is the one making the choice. Also...why give up time with your children?
4-Don't stop trying to save the marriage, but get some boundaries up protecting yourself! Don't be walked upon.
5-Alimony! She is the one leaving...I hope your lawyer has a good defense for that one.
I apologize to all...but there is no need to be a doormat. She has made the decision to end the marriage and seems to be pushing ahead at full steam. I see a woman who thinks you are going to continue to take care of her financial as she disappears with your kids to lala land. Don't let yourself get punished for her decisions.
Look around your life and see if there is a cause for this sudden reversal of attitude towards you. Don't over focus on it (since you need to be mainly concerned about yourself and the children), but see if there is that recently divorced friend or OM that is affecting your relationship. Some times the cure comes in first understanding the cause.
Thanks for the input LFW. I agree with the impulse but the specifics of my sitch make it difficult. My wife has no income and we are both still residing in our house (although we sleep over with family on alternate nights). So she has neither income nor any real expesnes besides pocket money and what she spends on the kids. I have no idea how to break that up right now. I can't pay her the alimony and cs until we sell the house. So I am at a loss for how to break up our finances.
As far as leaving the house, and giving up time with the children, I just don't see how else to do it. She doesn't work. I do. And I don't want to make the kids pawns. The best thing for them is to be with their Mom during the day. She has been fine about letting me have as much time with them as I want, and I beleive that she continues to be a really good Mom.
As far as the alimony, I spoke with two attorneys and they both agreed she is getting alimony. I make a fair amount and she has been out of the workforce for 5+ years.
I think I made a mistake at one point when i told her no matter what I would take care of her and the kids financially. Of course I always would, but there was no need for me to say it to her.
I really don't want to be a doormat here. But I don't see a clear path to putting more of this on her. At this point she is not working, I have the kids half the time. When she has the kids a bunch of the time she is with her family. For her I get the feeling this divorce has been much easier than it has for me. I don't know. But I am also thinking of the quote someone posted from a counselor here "Life will give the WAS consequences. You don't need to." I don't think that has ever been more true than in my case. My WAS is walking away from a lot of good things and I really believe she has idealized the world. I think she is going to skip right into the brick wall of reality in the coming years. I really wish that she wouldn't.
Anyway I am very open to suggestions on how to avoice doormatitis. And again thanks for reading.
Trying to think about the old not believing half of what you hear thing today. My wife is so sure that she wants this. In the first few weeks I saw chinks in her armor. She seems so secure in it now. And from what I have heard from others, she is absolutely convinced she has been with the wrong guy for the duration of our relationship.
I wish there was some evidence I could rely on to justify my faith in this. I mean I know it works for some people, but I would really love to know success rates or something.
But then the other side of me says, "well what it change anyway." The thing I like about both detaching and GAL is that they work to help you move forward even if they don't sawe the M. This has devolved into babble. Sorry.
Talked to her again. I think I heard some frustration in her voice. Not sure if it is what is going on over there with her family, or if my DB is having an impact. But the 'everything is awesome' veneer was not quite there.
Damn. Tough morning. She came over to take the kids. She was in a good mood. She asked about this weekend when we are supposed to work on the house. I told her I was going out Friday night. Kept it open. She said, "with a girl?????" She got all excited. Kind of like a sister finding out her little brother has a date. I said, "not with a girl." Then later on she called me and mentioned seeing that I was planning to do some performing. She asked if she could come and I said "of course" and she asked if she could bring a date or if that would be weird. I said I'm not planning to do this right away.
So two options: Either she feels guulty about PA and is really hoping I will move on so as to lessen the guilt, or she has really flipped a switch in her head and now regards us having a sibling type relationship. I could really use some guidance here folks. Anyone see this type of beahvior before? I gotta say this has me feeling silly for even trying at this point.
Hi Clueless - I'm kind of new to this, but have been through some of the same situations. My H also declared his undying love for me on Facebook and then got involved with someone he went to HS with - also through Facebook! He changes a lot when I see him. Sometimes he is teary and open and seems genuinely torn, and at other times, I think he would like me to be his best buddy. I mentioned something to him about going to see a show and he said "you went on a date! - that's so great." Just remember that these are just words. I highly doubt that he'd be happy to find out that I went on a date. Perhaps the idea relieves some guilt, but don't take what she says right now to heart. I personally think that you should tell her that it would be completely inappropriate for her to bring a date to see you. You are not her best friend or sibling and she needs to understand that you won't become that for her. Sounds like you should probably detach as much as possible until she starts to miss you - right now she has it all.
Yeah I am really torn. I think that what she values is that I am a good father now (she would say since the bomb. I would say since I was diagnosed and began treatment for a disease). She also values me as a friend. And I am a good provider. So she divorces me and gets to keep all of that. And if there is another guy, she gets the exciting new relationship. I get that. But then the other side is, since my diagnosis and treatment I feel so much better and if I am not around her she won't be able to see it. So while I am keeping it breezy and always letting her initiate contact, I need to be in contact with her for her to see the changes. But maybe I should just knock it off. This is tricky.
I'm in the same boat. Being separated is tough because it doesn't give your spouse the chance to see the changes you are making. So, my feeling is that infrequent meetings without talk of the R and without desperation of any kind, are OK. But not much contact in between. And you should probably be the one to end the meeting. So, so hard to do. I haven't been able to yet, but plan to the next time.
