As long as you don't know what you want, your H is sure to feel rejected and defeated. The fuel he needs is the knowledge that his wife, who committed to "until death do us part", is ALL IN and IN LOVE with him. Anything short of that has got to be devastating for him.
I'm trying to help you see what his perspective might be. You are the one who strayed, you are the one who is tentative about your love for him. It is up to you to come forward and work to establish openness with him. Until you decide to choose your H and your marriage, until you are ready to love him and recommit to him, you will undoubtedly watch your M deteriorate further and further. His ego and his pride have been damaged by your unhappiness with him and even moreso by your indecision about what you want with him. How long is he supposed to wait for his wife to love him?
Please think about what YOU want so that you can be open with your H. Honesty is the most loving and authentic thing you can do right now.
I think that you might be able to have the happy marriage you want WITH YOUR HUSBAND, if he is willing to work with you. Since he is willing to read and is going to counseling, he is showing signs of openness. That is a blessing and speaks volumes about how much he cares!
I would love to see you take a step back, make a list of all the things that you love about your husband and your marriage, and make a separate list of all the things that you wish for that you don't have. Then communicate (carefully and lovingly) about those things with your H. Let HIM tell you that you can't have what you wish for. Don't just sit and wonder what else is out there that you THINK you don't have at your very fingertips. Happiness could be much closer than you think, but you have to take charge in creating it for yourself.
Well, there's some sisterly toughness. I really do want to help you, not kick you when you're down.
