It was so good to hear about your stitch, even though I wished it could have been more positive for you and your wife. You ask about my EA and admitting it to my H. Acutally, there was nothing to "admit" since he had caught me red handed by finding all my messages to the OM on the computer. He also caught me talking to the OM with my webcam on, and I did not even know my H was anywhere around. He did not tell me about that until later. As far as apologizing, I did tell him that I had not wanted to hurt him......and I think I do remember telling him at some point that I was sorry. But, in the very beginning, I was so defensive b/c my H was acting so self-righteous that it caused very hard feelings toward him. I already had very deep rooted resentment that stemmed from many years, so that just made it worse. I was the one that tried to get "him" to go to a MC and he would have no part of it. I was hurt b/c I felt that he was to blame for my lonliness, the neglect, my emotional empiness, etc., that caused me to turn to another man. That is not to say that I did not take responsibility for my own actions, but I could have opened up better if he had just admitted that to his part of the breakdown in the M, but he said he had never done anything wrong. Well, that caused me to put up a barrier that took quite some time for me to try to overcome and if it had not been for this board and the help I found here, I would hate to know what state our M would be in today.
One thing that I have found that seems to be a common problem is that all the LBH's want to hear a verbal apology from their WW's. I did not realize how important it was to a H until I kept reading it on the board.........even though my H was hurt b/c I had not apologized to him (as he pointed out at that time). As I said, I finally did at some point, but it was hard since he would not own his part of the problems. He said he did not want to rehash old things from the past, but it was those things that kept mounting up to my actions. At least, that was how I saw it.
You are right about the less time you spend together--the less you will want to be together.......when you are having problems. There are times that I think a couple needs to take a break for a few days from each other if things are seriously bad enough, but I know what you are talking about and I agree. As for the attraction, that is something that is very, very slow coming for the wife if she had a deep EA and if she will not distant herself from the OM, I am concerned that she is not working toward "trying" to find attraction for you. I'm not saying that it is not possible (b/c I really don't know) but I think it would be extremly difficult to continue to be around a person you were having an EA with and be able to get over that person and have sexual feeling for your H who you were already feeling very distant to.
I understand her saying how she "wanted to love you, but felt no attraction" b/c that was exactly how I felt toward my H even after I broke off the EA and I even told him I did not know if I would ever feel for him what I once did.
I have to stop here and go to work, but I will get back and finish this. My heart goes out to you b/c I know you are in pain. I have learned from men like you here on the board to understand my own H better, b/c he would never discuss it with me.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
