We know it doesn't feel right...it's counter-intuitive to what you feel...but it's the right thing to do under the circumstances. He has to see your changes for himself. Not enough time has passed. He already knows how you feel...you don't have to keep reminding him. We know it's hard too! Don't talk about your relationship...if he wants to talk about it, then listen to him, make eye contact with him, and validate his feelings. You not contacting him will not give him the wrong idea.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Not sure if this was a good or bad thing. Today is his mom's birthday and normally he would be home and I would tell her happy birthday when he called her. I have never had the pleasure of meeting them in person as they live in Canada and we have been in financial difficulties due to me having surgery, me not being able to find a job, and him not working. I do regret this. I would have loved to have met the people who raised my husband. Anywho, long story short, I called to wish her a happy birthday. She asked how the kids were and I let her know they were unhappy and sad. She asked how I was and I said I as confused and did not know what was going on. She said herself that she and her hubsand (who are divorcing themselves) don't really know what is going on. That they are waiting to find out themselves. I let them know that counseling was available to H if he wanted it through my work. I also let her know that I loved him very much. She said that was a good thing. I have no idea how this is going to effect me going dark and not speaking to my husband. It's been 4 days and counting. I don't think he has the job that he was waiting on and this is not going to be good for him. He mentioned that he has to finish this. I am not sure what this is. I had a rough night last night. I ended up getting so angry and wondering if I even wanted to be in a relationship with my H. I have my own issues of things he has done that I could have very well chosen to D over, but I made a promise of for better or worse and have always been willing to work on my for worse when I know what it is I am supposed to be working on. I still know that I was not perfect in our relationship. There were things I did that I am not proud of and would like to be given the opportunity to improve about myself. I can't take the past back. I don't expect him to fix the past. I just want to make a better present and future with someone who is my best friend and who I have tremendous feelings for.
antlers, I thank you for reading and replying to my posts. You make good points and help me to calm down.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I am having the hardest time doing this. My H left me and one thing he said was that I was not interested in him. I didn't want to do things that he was interested in and I didn't act interested in him. I do not know if I am supposed to distance myself from him or just try to be his friend and not talk about the relationship. The one night I did really listen he opened up to me and hugged me close twice. I want to feel that again, but I am scared that me not contacting him is giving him the idea that I don't need him. He admits that he wants to be someone's Knight in Shining armor. Me showing that I am independent and moving on and not contacting him doesn't feel right. HELP ME PLEASE!
Believe me I know how hard this is - one of my W's biggest complaints has always been I dont pay enough attention to her, and now, even though we are still together, sleep in the same bed every night, spend plenty of time together, when I am trying to pay attention to her and be close, she is saying I am driving her crazy! What do they want? I think the answer is they dont know. My W keeps talking about finding herself - sounds like your H, dosnt it!
We have to focus on being the best us we can be. Hang in there, it does get easier one way or another. I wish I could give you an answer to the situation, but there just isnt an easy one. I feel your pain, your confusion - many of us here do. Know that many here have made it through, become better, and learned to have a good, loving relationship through this process.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Well can we say I totally screwed up? Husband sent an email after I haven't talked to him, heard from, or seen him since Wednesday. It's been hard. Email said that he was done with the key to the storage and just remembered he needed his passport and visa which were in the lock box. He wanted me to either bring them to him or put them somewhere safe so he could pick them up. I went all into a tizzy believing that this meant he was heading back home to Canada. I called my sister on my drive to the gym to give him what he asked for. I should have waited and breathed. He wasn't there and I panicked even more. I called his dad. I know HUGE MISTAKE! His dad and mom really do not know themselves what is going on. My H told them that we love each other but just don't get along. He had talked to his dad a couple of months earlier telling him that being a dad was harder than he thought. His dad told his mom to talk to him and have him call either me or him. He said he needs to let me know exactly what is going on and not to be beating around the bush. I see nothing but bad things coming from this. I know I need to realize that my marriage is over and work on me. I just need to drop the rope and take care of me. This nauseated feeling I get when I don't know what is going on is too much. I think I would be better to just accept that it's over.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
He emailed me back after I apologized and explained why I had called his dad. He doesn't appear upset. Said he isn't moving back to Canada and that he needs his visa and passport as ID for a PO box? Also he said because well because. Like he has other reasons and doesn't care to divulge them. *sigh* He took the dog to the pound and said someone adopted him immediately. I guess he is serious when he says he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone but himself. Going to start GAL and just enjoy my life with my kids. This worrying and anxiety crap is really getting on my nerves. Going to go eat breakfast with my bestfriend in the morning after work and will drop his visa and passport off to him. Going to be my happy go lucky self and smile though my heart is breaking. This has got to get easier someday.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
How are things going for you? Are you feeling any better about your sitch, working on that PMA, and "as if"? Has it been hard going dark and dropping the rope?
PMA is going. As if is going. It's as dark as it can be and I no longer can even see a rope. I guess I should add my other posts in here so all can be seen. Found out that OW is my (ex)bestfriend. Freaked the heck out and said some of the meanest nastiest things I could to the both of them. This caused them to huddle together with each other from the wicked witch. They no longer sneak around. She parks her rather bright car right in front of the gym (where he is living)where everyone can see it. Took him his mail and left him the book The Five Love Languages (did not see him). Emailed him an apology for the awful things I said. Have not heard one word from him. I don't have a clue if he even got my emailed apology. I don't have a cellphone number to call. It's as dark as dark can be. Working on being the best me possible. It's the only thing I can do. Waiting for him to file. *shrugs*
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
I'm sorry to hear that. I read your 2nd thread too. I guess all you can do now is get on with your life, as you've talked about. Take care of your kids, reassure them the situation has nothing to do with them, and take good care of yourself. The A will have to run its' course... I've read 6 mths on average and then it's done. Be the best you you can be, and if/when H contacts you, let him be amazed at your transformation..!
Is this six months from it's beginning or from it's outing? They both keep insisting that they were just friends. I refuse to get mired down in all the BS. I have admitted my mistakes in the relationship and am working on being a better person. I did have my huge blowup, but good god who wouldn't finding out your husband has been lying to your face for months texting your bestfriend after you had told him it was inappropriate. That she has been lying to your face saying that she hasn't heard from him. She is telling you about her new panties and polka dot dresses she is buying. Rubbing crap in your face without you knowing that is what she is doing. UGH! I am so better than this. I deserve better than this from the both of them. I go from never wanting to see him again to wanting a better relationship with him. Right now, all I know is that I am being as dark as I can be. I refuse to stoop to their level. I am the better person. When their relationship blows up in their faces, they will have no one to blame but themselves.
"It is excruciating pain. It is the pain of separation, the pain of loss, the pain of dreams and expectations unrealized. It is the loss and death of a mirage."
