Had my IC session today and it went ok. We talked about W's breakup with OM and my IC is suspicious of it. He said he either doesn't totally buy it or the reason she gave for it or that he doesn't truly believe it. He brought something to mind that I hadn't thought about and that was that W lost her phone last Thurs. and gets her own phone on her own account and then breaks up with OM. So now if she keeps things up with OM there is no phone record I could see to verify it. W seems genuinely upset right now and seems to be hurting but is it all an act. My gut is telling me it's not but my gut is also telling me that I don't know the whole story. Well, guess we shall see how that turns out. Even if the breakup is for real she is still not trying to work on our R so my plans stay the same as before. Go to the mediator and then see where I'm at after that. The counselor and I also talked about my feelings about the R in general now. I'm starting to question whether I want W back or not. I'm wondering what if we work through this and get back together...is she going to cut bait and run again the next time things get hard? Or will she learn and grow from this and be more able to work on things and fight for us if things get hard again. I don't think I could go through this every few years or so with her bailing and then coming back. Is that the woman I want to be married to? One that isn't willing to fight for the marriage. Is this a natural thing to think about in this situation and with detaching? So much to think through and work on for myself. IC also said if she does decide to work on things we should definitely go to counseling together. I told him that was the understatement of the year. That if she comes back I have the feeling I'm gonna put his kids through college. So that was the IC session for today. W is out tonight and I'm hanging out with D3. W called a little while ago and asked how I was doing. I told her I was doing ok and asked how she was. She got pissy with me and asked my why I would ask that. That she was hurt and getting angry. I asked if the anger was toward me and she didn't say anything. Then she talked to D3 for a little bit and went on her way. Have the feeling this is going to be going on for quite awhile now. Guess I'm going to have to go dim until W mellows out some so we don't blow up at each other. It was really hard to shoot back something along the lines of you're hurt and angry...how do you think I've been feeling for the past 4 months? But...bit my tongue and just took it and validated.... So hard sometimes not to just let it all out. But I do feel for her and I do hate to see her hurting. With everything going on and everything that came out in the counseling session today...I do still love her.
