It is taking him time, but it seems like he is perhaps getting ready to move! The things he is saying are very good, very insightful, and I'm glad he is opening up more to you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
K, Let me play devil's advocate again for a second ...
--> "He started on the phone some BS like "you cant stop me from expressing what I feel and you cant judge me" which I replied with "I've been trying to get you to talk for years, what makes you think I want to stop you now and I am not judging you as a person but I sure as hell can and will judge you as a H if I want to because I am the only one entitled to an opinion about what you did to us and our family" , all that in context of course." This may seem like more BS to you, but ... why not let him express exactly what he feels without judgment? What's the difference really between "as a person' and 'as a H' ? is it your 'expectations' ? Do you think blaming him will do the trick? Looks like you are chasing him away instead of drawing him closer? Would criticism or contempt give results?
--> Our families are confused, our friends have started expressing that we are "pathetic",... --> It really is a sick situation. I feel the same way and you are the only one who can lead the way to change that, not your H.
--> "We agreed we cant go on like this for much longer. He agreed to WRITE to me what he wants and how he wants us to proceed ..." What is much longer? Why not TODAY? Writing would be a good idea.
--> "I am holding on to what I've said here so many times. If he is not all the way here, I am not going to settle. And I am ready for the consequences.' You can take a horse to the water, but can you force it to drink? That's exactly what it seems you are trying to do. You must make it so that he wants to drink without putting a gun to his head otherwise changes if any will not last.
--> 'I am not sure what hit him this time. Maybe my comments about taking my kids on vacation to the same place with my brother' Why do and/or day things that hurt him and drive him further away? Like you he does not want to make himself vulnerable again - there's a double wall between you.
K, I can understand you may be frustrated by my approach here which seems like I'm not hearing you, but what are friends for if they simply tell you what you want to hear? You may be right about all that you are saying but is it producing results?
Hi Sara, I thought you would like that about the letter!! John, this IM bs sucks!! Get it fixed, I am sure your GF blocked all female names out ... LOL Rob and Michelle(s), I am "not holding a big basket just because I heard there are cherries out there" (Greek proverb). I will wait till I see them with my own eyes... K
fb2, you know I dont get mad at people expressing different oppinions. I like it actually. And I feel you are a friend and knew you would come back with something similar.
I'll post some later. Need to go for a few minutes. xxx K
(((((((Kalni))))))) I'm not too full of advice right now, I think you are doing what you can. At some point, he has to move, one way of the other. I think he is feeling that now. So, maybe what you are doing is working, from that standpoint.
He knows what you want, and he knows you won't wait forever. I think you have set the stage.
wow.. yes, I guess that was it then, you spotted it.. I sure felt a shift today, so seems you did too? I said it was a big day.. it was a sea change, a letting go of things/ways we have been holding onto .. a bit like letting go of the side of the pool perhaps... all those planets conjoining at 29' degrees, being the last degree of the last sign and then.. moving on. I think you got this bit right when you said...
"I hope he sees the light, either way. It seems he is now entering a new phase of looking "inside". And I think that he is forced to do it because I didnt "give in" to the nothing he is offering. I maybe wrong but it feels like he realises that unless he changes, I am not settling."
Yes, perhaps the penny finnaly dropped.. or.. has rolled into place at least? Funny that he describes that as being in a bad mood.. I wonder what his letter will say?
Sara.. I get this a bit at my ex..the -he hasnt done it yet, therefore he isnt going to- (who I think in many ways is similiar to Kalni's H.. stubborn, fixed emotionally, domineering mother, family where things are swept under the carpet, avoidant and very VERY slow to move/act, if at all.).. but its a moving target and just because he hadnt responded YET didnt mean he was therefore, never going to. They just take longer than the average person to get in gear, emotionally.. like YEARS!! Ridiculous in fact.
But.. the planets havent quite moved on today! They are still exact and about to move off.. but have you read Priya today?
I was wondering how you feel about the fact that your H just wants to move back in.. and THEN start working on things and you have been resisting that (or refusing !). Maybe its getting hard on him.. coming and going, being part of the family and 'normal' and then having to go home to his 1 room appt? You'd think it might have been harder on him sooner than 6/7 months into this, but then he is super slow hey.. anyway, perhaps its getting to that point, move back in, or give up trying? Here are your weekly stars...
Madalyn Aslan - Pisces from 22nd April "An area in your life where you have been too fixed to change is squawking like a crow for some attention. Wherever and with whomever you have said "No way Jose", "Hit the highway", "Fat chance and "Not goin' there", think again. With Pluto making a strong and supportive angle to the New Moon in your house of thoughts and talks, you find yourself facing and finally considering something you thought you would never do.
"You will never know until you try" and this time you will be very surprised at just how good it is.
Who said he wants to move in? Did I say that? He havent said so. He only said he feels sad he is a visitor in our home but he agreed that as long as our R isnt getting any "deeper" or stronger that would not be the wise thing to do.
It's been a quite morning with the kids, did some things I needed to, H called once and i calle dhim once about an issue with IRS. He has completely forgotten we need to file our taxes. Again, I had to remind him and he sounded mad at himself.This has been an ongoing issue ever since I announced I am not dealing with that as well, years ago. Every year we file late. Whatever... K
So, I just talked to H and guess what? He has too much work. He is really stressed about it and he feels he cant make it (he has a deadline). So, our life/relationship/marriage will be at the back burner till May 2nd when his deadline is up and his work done. Then of course he has his other work that he will need to catch up with and... you guys know the drill as good as I do.
He still sounded down but now I know that it is mostly his work because that's what he told me when I asked. He said he is panicking and very stressed and feels discouraged. I validated and supported him, reminded him that this particular project happens once every year and that he always does a good job in the end and he will this time also. He agreed and he asked to talk to the kids. Seems the stars arent working in my favor. K
Note: I felt resentment creeping back in my soul because I take a week off my normal vacation days to be with our kids because they have off this week, he could be spending time with me and use this week to connect but of course, once more, his job is in the way. After what he said, I couldnt even suggest we meet for lunch tomorrow, he said he is working like crazy and the day doesnt have enough hours... Another chance we missed.
