K, Let me play devil's advocate again for a second ...

--> "He started on the phone some BS like "you cant stop me from expressing what I feel and you cant judge me" which I replied with "I've been trying to get you to talk for years, what makes you think I want to stop you now and I am not judging you as a person but I sure as hell can and will judge you as a H if I want to because I am the only one entitled to an opinion about what you did to us and our family" , all that in context of course."
This may seem like more BS to you, but ... why not let him express exactly what he feels without judgment? What's the difference really between "as a person' and 'as a H' ? is it your 'expectations' ? Do you think blaming him will do the trick? Looks like you are chasing him away instead of drawing him closer? Would criticism or contempt give results?

--> Our families are confused, our friends have started expressing that we are "pathetic",...
--> It really is a sick situation.
I feel the same way and you are the only one who can lead the way to change that, not your H.

--> "We agreed we cant go on like this for much longer. He agreed to WRITE to me what he wants and how he wants us to proceed ..."
What is much longer? Why not TODAY?
Writing would be a good idea.

--> "I am holding on to what I've said here so many times. If he is not all the way here, I am not going to settle. And I am ready for the consequences.'
You can take a horse to the water, but can you force it to drink? That's exactly what it seems you are trying to do. You must make it so that he wants to drink without putting a gun to his head otherwise changes if any will not last.

--> 'I am not sure what hit him this time. Maybe my comments about taking my kids on vacation to the same place with my brother'
Why do and/or day things that hurt him and drive him further away? Like you he does not want to make himself vulnerable again - there's a double wall between you.

K, I can understand you may be frustrated by my approach here which seems like I'm not hearing you, but what are friends for if they simply tell you what you want to hear? You may be right about all that you are saying but is it producing results?