I started here under MLC, then I moved to WAS and now I'm here. My H's OW from his EA, possibly PA goes away, then starts calling him again. When she goes away, and they only see each other at work, I can tell because he's wonderful to me. When she gets into a fight with one of the several men she's attached to, I can tell because she starts calling my H again and things go to crap.
I admit to being bad when I find/figure out they are talking again out side of work. It causes me to blow up and back slide. When we have these fights, he says things like "It's over. We aren't getting back together. Sorry I lead you on.....etc". I'm sure you can guess all the other crap he says. He will even say he THINKS he wants to pursue the possible relationship there. That feels like a kick in the teeth.
Here's my question: Is it possible he says this crap to purely piss me off? Or should I acknowledge he could really want to be with her?
I think you may be right. I'm hoping you are right. This is from Divorce Rememdy
"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."
“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”
So that pretty much sums it up. I know the answers to the questions. It's mostly that he likes talking to her. I know they "text flirt" a lot and they talk on the phone. She won't hang out with him....she actually has a boyfriend. But yes, he is getting a serious ego boost from her.
funny you should ask.... I plan to lighten things up, be fun and comfortable to be around. We actually have been pretty good around each other. Our fights suck when they happen, but they are fewer and farther between. I plan to cut back on contact--less contact means less conflict. Hopefully. I am pretty sure he really enjoys his conversations with her and the flirting. I have to be that too then.
I agree with WDID, I doubt he understands whats going on. You should try to do somethings for yourself. If you read the books, try to do some of the 180's, if you normally react one way, try to figure out what the exact opposite reaction would be, Im not saying that you should stop yelling about the affair and be nonchalant instead, but maybe set up some boundaries, maybe ask for transparency with his cell phone bills? If he continues to contact this woman in a non-professional setting you aren't willing to try, or maybe he can try to find a new job. How do you react when he says its over? And when he says he wants to come home.
It sounds like he has a terrible self-esteem, if hes seeing this woman who he knows is attached to someone else?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Hi Everyone! bluerain--He actually has an incredible ego and maybe his self esteem is too high. I could be wrong....but she was really pulling on his chain and really got him wrapped around her little finger. She did it because she has low self esteem, her words, not mine--my H was a huge ego boost her. The boyfriend that dumped her really berated her. And then with H and I we were arguing a lot and yes, I had become very critical because I was lonely and unhappy too. So while I do NOT agree with this relationship, I can step outside the box and see how it happened, how it blossomed. Two people sick of their relationships building each other up....happens everyday, I'm learning. In terms of getting him to let me see the phone bill or him getting a new job, etc. No way. At this point he says he wants out. So he has no reason to reassure me of anything else.
Thinker--In our situation, yes. H has always been very opened about his physical attraction to me. Even if we fight in just a few hours of the next day, he'll be flirting with me again. BUT back in December, early January, there was NO physical contact between us and I've come to learn that's when things were hot and heavy with the other relationship, meaning, he thought he was getting somewhere. (Mid January, she got herself a new rich boyfriend.) So we've seen progress in the flirting dept. But I will say this too Thinker, I need to really really really work on getting rid of all the bad feelings between us and making it a sure bet that when he's with me, it's going to be completely relaxed without much effort or need to think OR lots of fun, with lots of laughs. I am trying to work on letting him know forgiveness is possible for me and we do still have a solid path between us that can very much be walked on. I'm hoping as the good become re-established the flirting and wanting to be around me will increase. One of my short term goals.....he'll want more time with me, less time trying to talk to anyone else. I plan on winning.
Have you ever heard of Mort Fertel? He has some great things to say about M, I did one of his boot camp programs, I know that even if this M doesnt work, I will be better person in my next.
My H's OW also dumped him for someone else. She had her H, my H, and a young studly boyfriend. What a loser. It was satisfying and terrifying at the same time when I found out that happened. I just wanted to tell them both, Look what you did! You destroyed it all, for nothing!
I think that when hes ready, he will be willing to do almost anything to make it happen.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
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