He texted me in the day and said what time he'd come round to my office and also added he wouldn't be able to go out for a meal as he'd forgotten that he was going out with his parents. I just replied saying 'ok, see you at 5'.
So we had *the* conversation about how the proceeds of the house should be split, which is the conversation we have both been dreading for ages - for me worse than a divorce conversation!
It was really calm. I didn't try to take control, I went with the flow and we filled out the solicitor forms together for the sale and shared some jokes doing it (even though it was a huge wrench to be doing this for me inside!). Then it came to talking about the split and he seemed to want me to make the first move. I kind of couldn't really as the unspoken contention was that his parents gave us (him) a large amount of money towards the house so I kind of forced (in a non-forceful way!!) him to state his position first.
He said his parents had been exerting a huge amount of pressure to recover the money they had given him. He looked very upset and stressed when he said it. He went on to say that he realised that it wasn't as black and white as that and he realised his part in the process. I said I could see his parents point and understood that but this was to do with us and really it was for us to make a decision. He said yes, he knew and had told them that repeatedly. We had some more discussion and came to agreement which we both felt was right and fair. The thing I am most happy about is that we were both able to express our differing needs and found a consensus that we both agreed upon in a healthy way. I did a few 180s in there with regards to my feelings which don't need to be expressed right now. And I could see he was under a lot of pressure by other forces so I made sure I was the one that put no pressure on him and we agreed by mutual consensus.
He also offered to help me with the move. This is the 3rd time he has expressed this so I said, 'well I do need help as I need someone to drive a van for me'. We have agreed to split the cost of hiring a van and he will help me move and do his the same weekend.
Baby steps - He also bought me a present from Spain, where he went with his mates for the Easter weekend, and we have potentially agreed to meet for lunch on Wednesday.
I took a slight risk at the end... he said that he may need to take back my free travel pass that I get through his job if he gets another job. I said 'of course, no problem'. He then went onto say it was annoying we'd lose these and I said 'well, you can get another' he said 'why?' and I said 'because J (other woman) works for (his company) too' and he replied 'oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that'. So that was the first time I mentioned ow to him or said her name. It seemed fine though - I think that white elephant is out... now he just needs to dump her lol!
So, over all I'm pleased that is over and think it went as well as it could, maybe better! I hate to see him looking so torn and my instinct was to say 'take the money it doesn't matter, it'll be ok'. But these are his choices and he needs to own them and I finally felt like he was being a man - something I never used to feel and that used to annoy me.
Glad that is over. Hope we will meet on Wednesday but I am fully prepared for it not to happen.
Yes Julia .... you were verrry coollll!!!! It sounds like your meeting went very well. Even though, it was tough, you feel good inside - right?? Just a little?? Sometimes, these things don't seem like babysteps, but they are. And he offered to help you move. Great job!!! Well, done!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Yesterday I felt good about it and today I feel torn. I hate to see him suffer emotionally and it kicks in all my fix it instincts. But I know I can't, this is his journey. Hurts though...
Well, try not to think of it as him suffering. Think at it as helping him along and sometimes it's uncomfortable. When I think of this statement, a vision pops in my head. I am taking my H, by the hair, by the ear and pulling him along, while he is kicking & screaming all the way!!! The thought gives me a good laugh! Ok, may change it to your taking your H hand & pulling him a bit through a dark scary forest.
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Ok, I'm happy! H and I just met for our first non-business meeting up. On Monday we talked about me needing to give him a copy of our water bill so I said I would drop it round to his office one lunchtime. I took a bit of a risk and said, 'in fact, as we aren't going out tonight shall we have lunch, it'd be good to catch up'. He said yes, looked at his diary and said he was pretty busy but could do Wednesday, he'd been planning to work from home but could come in and find a quiet office somewhere. I just said 'see how it goes and let me know'.
I totally wasn't expecting it to happen as before he left I said text me about Wednesday and he already seemed to have forgotten.
Anyway, I forgot till this morning and then ended up getting in a right tizzy about what to do if he didn't text (cheeseless tunnel, cheeseless tunnel I kept repeating to myself and managed to calm down!). Anyway, at 11.30 he texted and asked if we were still meeting up and we arranged it.
We met at a lovely cup cake bakery that I suggested in South Kensington and had a huge piece of cake each and a really nice chat about general stuff, some reminiscing, moaning about work and lots of laughing. I wore a 180 summer skirt and top as it is a gorgeous day here today. I had planned to compliment him but he was dressed down, and it would have been a false compliment - he wasn't even wearing new stuff it was from when we were together. Weird seeing him sitting opposite me in a cardigan I bought him.
Anyway we got on different tube trains but his left first so I waved and he waved back as it pulled away.
I am happy. Now, I will leave chill and get on with my picnic till the next time. He did say see you soon but I think I will text him good luck tomorrow as he has a job interview.
Thanks Mishka I thought of you actually because I was having a huge piece of cake that looked like a birthday cake! I'm on a massive sugar hit too as that is all I have had today so I think I will have an afternoon snack in a bit to I don't hit the floor when the sugar wears off lol!
