PM, I'm so glad to hear that your parents are coming for a visit. It will be so nice for you and your kids to get a little pampering.
It's amazing how deeply the WAS get in the fog. I cannot imagine putting anyone(OP)before my children. I would do everything in my power to keep them close to me. But, we have to remember they are not in their normal state of mind right now.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I'm also really happy to hear your parents are coming for a visit. It sounds as though they're a lot of support for you. As much improvement as we make in ourselves during the DB process, I don't think we ever really get to the stage that we don't need a little support from family and friends every now and again.
You said a key thing in your last post. All your H was concerned about was his kids and his relationship?!?! How deep in a fog is this man? You've just told him that you're moving away and taking his kids with you. I think most on here would agree that if presented with the decision, the only thing that should concern him right now is his kids. IMO he's acting a bit child like because you've taken away his comfortable existence. He'll be getting desperate and will probably try to have your IC try and convince you to stay.
Keep us posted as ever on your progress. You're still doing amazing and are an inspiration to us all. Your H is also a great example to us DAM about how not to act! (((((PM)))))
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Well thanks everyone for all your good thoughts. I am enjoying my parents being here very much and the kids are so happy.
H, on the other hand feels very awkward this past weekend when he came to visit and there were a lot of silences.
Typical WAW behavior, after our 'emotional chat' last weekend, he totally withdrew this weekend. Move one step forward, take three steps back. He bahaved like it never ever happened. So I just played it cool, like Kev said. It got to me though when he kept changing the weekend schedule. One minute he won't be here on Sunday, next minutes, we are going out Sunday night, another day it's lunch out on Sunday with the kids. I couldn't keep my head on straight as this was heard thru D7 as he wouldn't talk to me directly. Urgghhhh. Frustrating. I almost lost it on the phone when I called him back to ask what exactly we are doing for meals as I am standing in the supermarket with food in my trolley and don't know what to buy and if I can bring the food home right away. I felt bad that I put him on the spot as he is 'the man with no plan' but I wanted to know so I know who is eating and what to buy for dinner, is that so much to ask?????
No, but I am banging my head against the wall and it's frustrating me. So I need to change tactics. You see we were celebrating his birthday yesterday and I know the kids wanted to celebrate with him but he won't nail down what we would be doing for it. Plus I have my parents in town so now I feel like I have extra people to take care of on top of the already pressurized environment I live in. I need to calm down and just roll with the punches. Such a roller coaster ride.
I feel sad, it's his birthday, a big one and I don't get to participate in it at all. It just brings out all the sad feelings back. All the years we've been together and it's ended up like this. He is shutting me out of his life. I am not allowed to plan anything for him or anything. It just hurts so much today.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I understand about the birthday thing. My H will be having his 50th in July and I was going to surprise him and fly his sister and fiance from overseas to surprise him either in our home or maybe Vegas. I had just talked to my SIL about what we could plan and then a month later WH told me he wanted to move.
I could understand the pressure you are in. Kids, parents, unstable WH; roll it all together and KABOOM.
I have my Mom and daughter coming in May and I look forward to it but dread it also. If H sees my Mom I think she will just tell him off (comes with age), but I cannot control H and I know I can't control my Mom. But I will take one day at a time and just enjoy the time with them.
Enjoy your family. If WH does not participate -- then he doesn't. He is in a fog, he doesn't get it; doesn't appreciate it; and this is HIS loss.
Hang tight and pray.
Dear Lord
Chase him, Break him, Redeem him, Save him
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
That is one of the hardest things for me and so at this point, I completely avoid thinking about it: being shut out from each other's lives, the big events, etc. It's incredibly heart breaking. I feel for you. How are things going today? I wanted to ask you, do you feel like there is any improvement from when this all started? Do you feel any hope? I feel hope for you.
I'm glad to hear you're having a good time with your folks visiting. It does sound as though it's giving your H some serious confusion and guilt issues though. I wouldn't concern yourself too much about how he's acting right now. He could just be uncomfortable with your parents being around. Wait till they leave to see how he acts again then. No sense in getting stressed about it. Just enjoy the time you and your kids have with your parents and put your H to the back of your mind.
Like stillloveshim, I too feel very left out when it comes to big events with my W. It's her birthday in June. Not a big one but I'm going to feel left out if I don't get the chance to give her a traditional birthday kiss and let her relax for the day while I wait on her hand and foot. Most of all though, I'm concerned about what we're going to do about the big events in Wee Man's life. What to do for birthdays, Christmas, etc. Thank god we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here or that would be another thing to try and work out for the best. Right now though I'm trying not to think about it.
Try to keep smiling PM.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I had two counselling sessions, one with IC and one with DB Coach. They are very encouraging.
My IC said that he thinks I have made a lot of progress on myself. That part of the problem with H is that his childhood was not ideal therefore he expected A LOT out of me to give him happiness. Expectations that I was not aware of. That OW now is giving him his 'fix' but later he will realize that will come down a bit as well and he will be where he started. My IC is glad that I have not given up on my M, I told him about my plans to go ahead and start the work on moving back home. I told him I have not given up but cannot heal while I am here watching his infidelity and listening to lies and thinking of the betrayal. He thinks that H being inconsistent with the kids is more detrimental to them than having their dad nearby so he supports my move. So overall I feel, finally my IC is on the same page as me and we agree. I feel his support and he is still pro-M. He said he can't promise where it means for H but he is hoping that H will start to see me as an option once again.
My IC could not believe that my H would say 'I have to think about it' when asked if we could get back together. My IC thought H would have said 'no'. I was surprised as well since I was convinced that he was out of the M. So the old saying is correct, 'Don't believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.' Don't lose hope DB'ers out there! Keep plugging along. Especailly those who are new at this, sometimes our WAS speaks out of fear and just want an escape, give it some time and reflection and things MIGHT look differently after awhile.
My IC told me that in his practice two couples this week reconciled!!!!! It was such good news. I felt so good for them. What hope!
So I have been filled with hope lately, I am more determined than ever to keep at it. Persistance is my gift. I don't have many natural talents but I know I can be persistent and that is part of the secret to success. Successful people can only depend so much on talent and luck, the rest is hard work and persistence. I intend to give it my all.
As for DB Coach, she was fantastic. My H has a hard time making any decisions large or small. So she suggested that I plan what I want to do, then invite him along and give him a deadline for RSVP and then say 'If I don't hear from you by then I will just assume that you can't make it.' And then I will have to be OK with him not attending. I tried it out and it worked a like a charm. He responded and I didn't feel like I was forever waiting for him to make a decision, not making plans and not enjoying my life and moving forward. Because it happened so much in the past few years that I felt I could not plan any interesting activities and felt I was missing out. Then I slowly but surely started resenting H for never committing to any fun activities and not making decisions and all of my life revolved around him and his work. Now I plan things for me and if he wants to join in, he can. If not, then I can still do what I want. It takes the pressure off him and I can enjoy life without forever waiting around for him.
It's such a good technique, I wish I had learned this years ago. But I am so glad DB Coach is in my life and giving me this advice.
I am not pursuing H. He is visiting his Mom and the kids called him up but I didn't talk on the phone. I know he has a lot to think about and I won't rush him. I telling myself that I am going to be OK with whatever decision he makes, whether he comes back or not. I think I am detaching in a healthy way and not have my happiness depend on him so much. It's a good feeling.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Thanks Karen. I hope I can keep the positive attitude when my H returns from visiting his Mom. It's much easier to detach when they are very far away;-)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
