Someone suggested I post my story here...

[Bagheera]

HJR;

I hope the two of you have a good, pro-marriage, couples counselor that you can talk to weekly and let them guide you --> it will be a long, slow process, but I have hope for you based upon what you've described and done so far. Not being a counselor myself, take the below with grain or two of salt, but I see three simultaneous things that need to occur with both you and your husband:

(1) Over many sessions and conversations, talk through your marital history and FINALLY share all of those things that the two of you have kept hidden from each other: all of the hurts, dashed expectations, missed needs / wants, and so forth. Always keep the responsibility equally balanced between you and him -- any time a relationship falters, it is always the fault of TWO people, not one. Just getting all of this old baggage and dirty laundry out in the open will go a long way toward beginning the healing process: be generous in both your forgiveness of your spouse and acceptance of blame. Really LISTEN to each other, and hear from their perspective.

(2) Recall, relive, and talk about the happy times of your first meetings, dating, courtship, marriage, and newlywed time period. Recall, relive, and talk about what you initially found attractive in your spouse. In a -very- strained relationship, this can be hard to do for either or both spouses: they either have trouble just remembering these times, or they can only recall them with bitterness. But being able to do the above is crucial to repairing your marriage -- both of you have to regain the ability to see in your spouse the person that you fell in love with again.

(3) Research and then begin to implement positive changes in YOURSELF that will (a) make yourself more attractive to your spouse, and (b) begin to meet your spouses needs / wants for the relationship. Small changes, small steps, over many months DO add up --> keep them small and sustainable, not quick-fixes that die away in a few weeks. Obviously, each partner must do the above for it to work.

A final thought for you, HJR. One simple way of categorizing people is to divide them into those who are passionate & emotional, and those who are even-keeled, steady & laid back. Passionate people tend to confront even the smallest bit of conflict head-on and loudly, while steady people tend to keep the peace and avoid conflict and keep complaints to themselves.

When two passionate people marry it tends to make for a somewhat unstable household, with extravagant highs in the relationship (complete with skyrockets), and terrible lows (complete with flying pots and pans). Some make it work, but often, a few lows are enough to do them in.

When a passionate person marries a steady person the two tend to compliment each other and balance out the other one's natural undesirable tendencies. The passionate person rarely lets a conflict get swept under the rug, and is able to bring the steady person along on some of those nice, passionate highs. The steady person keeps the passionate person from getting too down and negative, or, at least acts as and anchor and calming influence. This makes for a nice self-correcting type of relationship, but I'm biased, since this describes MY relationship (with me as the passionate one).

When two even-keeled, steady people marry, one would think that this would be ideal -- but it's not. Since both people tend to avoid conflict, any negative complaints or issues tend to never be voiced and instead get swept under the rug. Over the years, the pile of stuff under the rug gets so big, it starts to get in the way: the "weight" of negative feelings and resentments begins to overwhelm any positive feelings that may be there, until neither partner can feel ANY positive feelings...they become numb and the relationship becomes stuck. These are the couples who seem to have ideal, peaceful marriages with never an argument or ill-spoken word, but who then suddenly divorce each other after 25 years and the kids have left home. Sound familiar? (John Gray talks about this in one of the final chapters of his Mars/Venus book.)

If this describes the two of you, then it will be a natural tendency that the two of you will have to change permanently in order to make the marriage -really- work, not just appear to work.

-- Bagheera