Thanks FIB, I agree with every word you typed here. The "regulars" on my threads know that I have banned the word babystep as well as the word patience from my threads for quite some time now. Babysteps usually mean nothing. Consistency and change of attitude- no matter how subtle that maybe- is what we should look for.
I am resisting at the moment. That's what fb2 and Ali and probably Forrest see. I am resisting to fall back in a relationship where I will call myself married and to be able to be a wife, to have to pay a high price, I will have to give up me and my needs. We've tried that, it didnt work out the first time.
I am reluctant to base my decisions, for example to let him move back in- on "babysteps". I believe he would have to give me a lot more to make me willing to take the risk to do that. There is no "let's do this and we will see how it will turn out". Both MCs said the same thing. My C (H's C also) told me he is pushing me to old behaviors because that's what he is comrfotable with and since now, after being away for so long, he "recharged" his batteries, he feels he can take it but ...I cant.
Today we had a short discussion on the phone. He sounded down since yesterday, I had asked what's going on and he kept saying nothing. Today I called and he never returned my call. I called again 3 hours later and somehow I got the idea he lied to me about his whereabouts.So, I told him exactly what I was thinking. He said I was wrong and that he udnerstands I dont trust him. He said he has been sad since he left because he did feel like a visitor in our home, "just like you told me and I am very sad about that, about how our family has gotten here". I didnt say much. K
Like you said K, actions on his part are called for. Until he makes true, lasting changes within himself, there will be no way to save your M. I'm so sorry he is keeping you in a holding pattern like this. I can't imagine the pain this has to be causing you.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I agree kalni. Doing the dishes or doing chores or providing sex is NOT a reason to let someone back in.
COMMITTING TO RENEWAL...I think..in any form..is worth the risk. REBUILDING a foundation...is worth it all. There are never any guarantees but a sincere desire TO TRY...is what counts....not a phone call after two weeks to say hello.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Resitance... yes.. thats the word I was thinking this morning, you are resisting.. you have one foot in, some toes out.. I think you have your own reasosn for that, partly H, partly other reasons.. but there still seemed to be a big lack of of communication between you, so I'm glad that he was more open and honest with you and you with him, thats great. I guess it doesnt change the fact that he isnt capable of doing anything about it though !
You said: "I am getting good at not reacting on impulse and I am taking things as they come for now" and I'm glad to read that. Good for you. That shows tremendous growth on your part and a willingness to change. Not that I've doubted your willingness before, but it is good to see you verbalize it.
His C's statement about H's behavior being what is "comfortable" for him makes sense but does nothing to help your M. Did you express to the C that his "comfort" is killing you and you need him to do something UNCOMFORTABLE and soon? Just wondering.
Also, his regret over the current situation and your lack of trust in him is good to have him express. Getting it out is important if he's ever going to be able to act on it.
Hang in there, my friend. The sun will shine on a dog's ass from time to time, so there is always hope.
it seems that my no R talks the time we spend together and the fact that we had an only family Easter got to him somehow. He sounds worse everytime he calls. I did ask what's wrong again and why he feels this way, if he knows the reason. He said he is in a bad mood ever since he left the house yesterday.
We agreed we cant go on like this for much longer. He agreed to WRITE to me what he wants and how he wants us to proceed (Sara, if you are out there, it only took him 4 months!!!). I am not expecting anything soon but it seems he is getting uncomfortable with the situation also.
It really is a sick situation. We are supposed to be reconciling for 6 months, still separated (thank God), not seeing each other alone at all, no convos, no affection, just... co existing in different houses. Our families are confused, our friends have started expressing that we are "pathetic", our kids are in the middle of this and nothing ever happens.
I am not sure what hit him this time. Maybe my comments about taking my kids on vacation to the same place with my brother again, some videos he watched of the kids when they were babies, the fact the minute he walked out the door the kids and me just resumed our life the way we are used to. I have a feeling he felt he is not missed and/or needed. Something shifted today. Ali, this must be it, right?
Anyway, I dont know how long it will last. He started on the phone some BS like "you cant stop me from expressing what I feel and you cant judge me" which I replied with "I've been trying to get you to talk for years, what makes you think I want to stop you now and I am not judging you as a person but I sure as hell can and will judge you as a H if I want to because I am the only one entitled to an opinion about what you did to us and our family" , all that in context of course.
I hope he sees the light, either way. It seems he is now entering a new phase of looking "inside". And I think that he is forced to do it because I didnt "give in" to the nothing he is offering. I maybe wrong but it feels like he realises that unless he changes, I am not settling. I think he expected me to be begging for him to come home by now. I feel good about my aproach. I am holding on to what I've said here so many times. If he is not all the way here, I am not going to settle. And I am ready for the consequences. K
PS. My parents asked me why we didnt joing them at my uncle's house. I told them I am still not sure if Iw ant to be married to this man even though I do love him in a way. They didnt say anything. They can tell I am serious.
I too hope he "gets it" or gets SOMETHING soon. By sticking to your guns of not settling, you have made a better you. I do hope he's learning to accept the fact that the old wasn't good enough.
I'm pleased by him paying attention again and do hope it will continue to evolve for him and for you. Also, good job at telling him to continue talking and to not clam up. I also agree that you do have the right to judge his actions - or non-actions as a husband - and not him. Well done for spelling this out to him and keeping it about his actions and not about him as a person.
I am still reading along. I hope he will send the letter. I have not commented in a while because I believe, as you do, that a person who cares about something puts effort into it. And his lack of interest in replying to your long ago letter put me off.
