BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[TRUSTING]

Peace,
Part of my problem was control. I wanted it, he wanted it, we were so much alike. Sometimes it managed to compliment our relationship, but as he became more insecure it started to destruct.

My life started to expand and spiritually grow. He was stagnant and depressed. He became jealous and searched for someone who could reflect his pain. I just reflected what he was not and I did not at all sympathise with his depression. Mainly because I was tired of it. He had let it go on so long that it started to annoy me. I felt like I was living with a child instead of a man. He was always complaining, blaming, and playing the martyr. It was very difficult to live with and raise children in that environment.

Yesterday when I met with him, old feelings came back. Those feelings of walking on eggshells, insecurity, weakness. I walked away almost feeling relieved that I no longer had to live like that - not free to grow into my potential.

I almost felt gratitude.

I do though have to say that he is improving, or taking baby steps toward his personal growth. I no longer view it as baby steps toward reconciling. He has to make steps toward improving himself before he can ever be capable of having a healthy relationship.

I almost felt sorry for OW, because I am sure her level of self-esteem has to be lower than ever. She must be experiencing all that I use to. Maybe that is our so called revenge or justice. I don't really know, but it is not in my hands.

Yesterday my ex wanted to make sure I knew he was praying alot, giving blood to the church, working hard on having good relationships with his children. He told me that he only wished me good luck and a happy marriage with someone else. He told me that he would not be getting married any time soon.

Ex is still full of contradictions, projection, anger, irrational actions and words, etc... They just have toned down a bit.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was a success, a better parent than me, a clearer thinker, a busy and productive business person.

One thing kept running through my mind during the whole thing: "empty trucks make the most noise."